Why are my work colleagues so antisocial?

[skittleboy]

I work on an estate. There are 9 of us. We all work separately. We have 20 mins for morning break and an hour for lunch. We have a lunch room with a table and chairs, a kettle and microwave. At break and lunch 4 people drive home, 3 people sit in their cars and 1 guy makes his tea then grabs a chair and goes to the room next door and sits on his own. That leaves just me sat there on my own.

It's so frustrating because I just don't understand their mentality. At break-time they want to spend 5 mins driving home 10 mins sitting alone at home staring at the ceiling , while their family are at work and school, then spend 5 mins driving back. My mentality is I might as well stay and talk. Why not? And I need to talk and have human contact for my own mental health. They obviously don't for some strange reason.

On the rare occasion that I am working with 1 of the guys and we have to take a half hour trip into town to get supplies, they just sit there not talking. I try to make an effort but they just don't want to talk. I wish they would ask 'How was your weekend?' or something. Anything.

I feel I have so much to say like all the stuff I got up to at the weekend but I never get the chance to say it.

It's not just at work. One time I went on an hour long train ride. I met a girl at the station that I knew. I sat next to her and for the whole hour she said nothing. NOTHING. Absolutely bugger all. And I was sat their getting so frustrated because I was bursting to talk but she wouldn't say a word. I just cant fathom why people are like this. Why wouldn't you want to talk to someone who is sat next to you for a whole hour? Make conversation? Pass the time? OK some people wont want to talk 100% of time I get it. But say something!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAHHHHHHHRRRRRRR!!! I just don't understand why people are that way.

This is really bothering me and it's so depressing that this is the way the world is. What can I do?

I'm finding this thread absolutely eye opening.

The work thing is odd but I used and still do some days like getting away from the office .

. Absolutely bugger all. And I was sat their getting so frustrated because I was bursting to talk but she wouldn't say a word.

Did you not try and speak make conversation? You can't say that she said nothing if you didn't say anything either .

My mental health 100% depends upon solitude whenever I can get it. I would never ride share with a co-worker or want to sit with them on the train. Banal small talk is like a living hell to me. I need space and I'm not hesitant to admit it.

Doesn't look like the OP is that willing to talk after all..

In fairness it’s posted under mental heath and has garnered some fierce responses

Wow I was not expecting that. I thought everyone would side with me.

I'm actually quite quiet myself but I probably made it sound like I'm the life of the party. I'm not.

It really bothers me that wanting to ask my colleagues how their weekend was make ME the odd one out and me the weird one not them. I will never understand that. 53 people can't be wrong so I believe you but I don't understand it and never will. This will keep me up tonight.

I'm also worried because my last job involved driving around long distances in pairs so we had to be together for lunch because there was no other way. So I thought at the time that they enjoyed my company but they actually didn't, they were just pretending because they had no choice. That makes me feel great.

I do get some of the points everyone has made though. There would probably be the odd day when I would go home because of the mood I'm in. I just think they take it to the extreme.

Please don’t let this keep you awake or vexed.its no biggie
the joy of mn is you’ll get searingly honest answers folk would sugar coat in RL

Your old colleague that you spent lunches in may well have been like you and enjoyed the company.

Some of my colleagues go for lunch together and chat a lot.

Just not everyone is the same. And you're possibly more likely to find more introverts on an Internet forum than extroverts. I'm far more chatty online than I am in person.

Don't let it keep you up.

I often go home at lunchtime, read a book, go for a walk on my own, etc.. Its no judgement on my colleagues. They are perfectly nice people who I enjoy talking to. However, I also need time to 'decompress'.

In other words... It is unlikely that its about you. Some people need some time with their own thoughts. Others want to chat. Neither is wrong.

Perhaps your current workplace just isn't for you.

OP you sound like you are over thinking this a bit .
Reframe it as less about you and more about them.
They arent avoiding you , they simply need to recharge,feed the cat,make a tricky phone call, have a bit of fresh air etc

Fgs, op, your colleagues not wanting to spend their break talking is not about you. Don't take it personally. They are simply doing what's best for them.

It's not about people not enjoying your company, it's about respecting boundaries and people needing their own space.

To me, if I am making small talk with colleagues, I haven’t had a break - I still need one. I realise that chatting does help build bonds and make work more supportive and enjoyable, I just find it tiring.

Tbh, your post said that you had no-one to talk to and you wanted to tell them about your weekend etc. Not about wanting to ask them about theirs. People can only respond to what you write.

How was your weekend skittleboy?
Don't you chat during work hours?
I often went for a walk at lunchtime for some fresh air and quiet. I also talked to people I knew.

But you don’t have to understand it, OP. Other people are not like you.

Can I repeat a pp’s question — do you struggle with decoding social cues? I’m thinking specifically of the situation where you saw someone you knew (well? Slightly?) at a railway station and sat next to her for an hour’s train journey in the expectation she would talk to you. Did she actually invite you to sit with her? If not, it was a socially tone-deaf thing to do — many people don’t want to spend an hour cramped in close quarters making smalltalk with an acquaintance.

You just seem terribly aggrieved that people aren’t behaving the way you think they should, and I wonder whether this anger and frustration is obvious to your colleagues.

OP, please try to understand that this is NOT about you.

Your colleagues regard their lunch hour as their own time, not work time, and they treat it as such. The fact that they want to go home, or walk, or sit in their cars, or zone out on their phones is not in any way a reflection on you, so you really shouldn’t take it personally.

Sleep well.

I love silence on my lunch break! Sometimes I'd drive somewhere just to sit in the car and not be bothered by anyone!
Sorry OP but everyone's different and people like their space, i could do a few mins of convo but deep down I'd be upset it was eating into my alone time to chill out 🤣

Blimey! Get another job. You sound entirely normal. I couldn't bear to work with such a miserable bunch either, and I'm a proper introvert.

You need to get over yourself a bit, people are not doing their own thing on their lunch break because of you.

Perhaps you’d benefit from attending a support group or hobby, something where people interact.

I like and respect my colleagues but I spend breaks alone, to recharge. It's nothing to worry about OP. Honestly. They're not having a pop at you.

But...I must say that sitting next to an acquaintance on a train and expecting to chat is a social faux pas. I wouldn't repeat that experience if I weee you.

We're surrounded by people and noise so much of the time that it's just good to get into an empty, quiet space and destress. I find that healthy for MY mental health - just to be able to switch off for a little while and recharge.

Yes it's nice to chat with work colleagues sometimes but it's really annoying if you're a "hit and run artist" and someone else wants the whole nine yards. Which are you do you think?

If, as it sounds it does, you want more than your colleagues want to give, why not read a good book, listen to music or watch a podcast/TED talk on your smartphone with your headset on?

Also on the train I like to block people out so always have something to read. I find commuting really stressful so I'll retreat into something else so I'm stressed by late services, overcrowded trains, the person next to be sniffing or
Breathing in my face.

It's my coping mechanism to block out people and arrive at my destination in a calm fashion so I can cope with the demands of my day. I don't really want to make polite conversation especially if the person who wants to chat is not someone actually travelling with me. Does that make me unsociable- maybe, but it also makes my life easier for me. I may also be working on my phone to get a jump on the day so someone trying to chat to me would just be irritating (sorry).

Having said all that it is odd (I think) that your colleague is regularly travelling with you but doesn't want to say anything. However if that's what they want then find your coping mechanism- listen to music or an audio book through your earphones for example.

The other option is to find a job with people who more closely match your own personality if where you are makes you unhappy or stresses you out.

Sorry this was longer than I planned - but I hope it helps a little.

Oops sorry that should read "I'm NOT stressed by late services"

I dont want to talk, its not my idea of fun. People who work on estates alone presumably are the type who value peace and quiet. A train ride of an hour sat yakking is my idea of hell. YABU - go talk to some chatty mates outside work.

they enjoyed my company but they actually didn't, they were just pretending because they had no choice. That makes me feel great

Have your forner collueges said that they were prettending to enjoy your company? Or are you getting that from what we've said. As none of us are your forner collueges, you can't know that just cos we said we wouldn't enjoy it doesn't mean your former colleuges wouldn't. In fact if i was aware that i was going in a car for an amount of time with a colluege and it was just them and me, then i enjoy a chat. Its when i've spent all day around other people or i've been concerntating on my work all morning i need my lunch break to stop and take that time in silence just me, my lunch and my phone/magazine whatever i'm using to switch off. Even with that i'm exhausted and can't get home without sleeping on the bus. Having some one come and chat to me would stress me out. What can't you understand about that??? Also being around other people on public transport stresses me out.

It really bothers me that wanting to ask my colleagues how their weekend was make ME the odd one out and me the weird one not them*

Again no one has said its odd to ask how some ones weekend is, we're just trying to demostrate that it is not odd for people not to want to engage. Your not odd for wanting to talk but neither are your colleueges for not wanting too. In fact i would say its polite to ask how you are/how your evening was/how your weekend was when you see them. But its also ok for them to go ah i'm fine/yes great thank you. And not engage in full on conversation

I don't understand it and never will. This will keep me up tonight

You can't understand people are different? Why? Do you expect every one to like exactly the same things as you? Are there things you dislike? Foods? Whats the food you most dislike? Cos i garentee some one else provably on this thread will absolutely love it. There's nothing to understand other than every single person is totally different. Some people will like a good chat and want to engage in conversation every time their with some one, like you, and thats great. Other people like me, will actively avoid it, and thats fine too.

I think you do need a little help processing this, help to realise its not you, and that your behaviour is fine but so is everyone elses. But also maybe you need to find like minded chatty people in your free time, have you got any hobbies, art group, knit and natter? (I love knitting not so keen on natterimg so i don't go) so that you could see that not everyones what you call 'anti social' and there are lots and lots of people who really really want to engage like you do.