late 30s and feel pointless

[sam221]

Just that really, i'm in my very late 30s, single [have helped raise a couple of children-who are all adults] Until recently I had a business but due to circumstances outside of my control, was manipulated out.
I literally have done nothing at all since mid-December: my day starts about 4pm, i wake, have coffee, around 5/6pm cook dinner, eat 7pmish and then i retire back to my room. I go to sleep around 8am and then repeat my day.
I am fortunate that i do not have to worry about money, i order a weekly food shop and that's it.
Not sure what the hell i'm meant to do, also 20/30 years more living seems pointless in this way.
I was going to go travelling but I spent the last 20 years helping to raise kids, building a business, so lost most of my friends.
I am scared to travel by myself, logically i know i will be fine but i don't even feel like leaving my house.
A few weekends i have been to the supermarket but i literally done nothing else.
I spend most of my time surfing the internet,watching rubbish tv and all of this on my laptop in bed.
Somedays I dont even want to leave my bed at all but i make a point of making dinner but i end up making a lot of mess-which doesn't please my cleaner.
For the last 10 years at least i have not spent much time, for myself or even being home.
I feel completely at a loss, alone and without any direction.
I have always been the one to take charge and help others, crisis manage and generally every bodies go to problem solver.
I feel as i age i will become a burden on my family and think i should manage myself out of this pointless life i am leading.
I would be the first to help my family out of their problems but i feel like over the years, i have given and given and now i have nothing.
I feel invisible, miserable and just useless.
I have been thinking about killing myself but feel cowardly about the actual act. I think logically it would be the best solution for me because living like this is hard.
I can not go to my GP at all because i have specific insurance policies for various companies-who access my medical files,[at least once a year] my policies are done by a family member-who would tell my immediate family.
Not sure what I am asking but anyone reading this post i appreciate you reading this post.

Could you volunteer? It will give you something to get out of bed for, you will meet other people and have a purpose.

I have contemplated volunteering but not sure i have much to offer, skills wise.

I found some interesting articles on happiness, purpose and meaningfulness:

medium.com/darius-foroux/the-purpose-of-life-is-not-happiness-its-usefulness-65064d0cdd59

www.forbes.com/sites/dennisjaffe/2018/09/14/getting-over-happiness-why-meaningfulness-is-a-better-life-purpose/#2d3f90942407

You will definitely have skills to bring to any role! It could be working with children or 'befriending'- visiting an elderly person for a chat or to go out with them somewhere.

Some people have such difficult and challenging lives that anything you do can make a difference.

Also most roles would also offer some kind of training anyway!

Thank you I will have a read of this links, my last role was actually very public facing and I could build up a rapport with people.

That is definitely a real skill!

More flippantly on a course I did, the leader suggested that for mental health purposes everyone should have a dog!

Similar reasons, having a purpose, a reason to get up as well as getting exercise and getting outside.

I am seriously scared of pretty much most animals-so much so, I dont even eat them!
I did just read both the articles, part of my life problems have been mostly-constantly helping other in my life.
So now i have no real identity-in December, I stood in a Whole Foods aisle, looking at 2 types of cake and I could not make a choice of which I would like [my thought process, was what would other people like!]

*people

Maybe some therapy would help to talk through why you don't think you deserve the best cake? You could book privately to see a counsellor or even a life coach and avoid the GP. Might be worth exploring as if you do volunteer then that might just be repeating a pattern. I do think humans need a purpose but that is not the same as denying yourself things for others to have.

I just don't know, what the point of anything is really. I have no identity and have lost my sense of self and feel utterly worthless

Sorry to hear this, could you be depressed? That would require GP if you wanted to try medication.

I think making a change in your situation is likely to help though, do you have any interest in the environment or gardening? Getting outside and growing things is very satisfying, might be easier to start with that rather than volunteer with people?

Due to not focusing on myself at all pretty much for over 20 years, i don't really have hobbies.
Gardening has been the preserve of the gardener and If I go into their terrain[they would leave somewhat pushed out/irked]
So over 20 years my main focus has been 'tiger' side line parenting the children in my life-think 11plus, common entrance, moving onto Oxbridge etc.
And the business-I can't really explain too much about it, as it maybe outing[though it deal with the public]
I guess i thought after all these years, I would be happy enough to take off and travel the world. The reality is, i don't even want to leave my room.
Laterthanyouthink-you have been most kind with your suggestions and i appreciate them.

Is they anything you used to enjoying doing, that you did in your life before children?

Sam, you don’t need to travel to somewhere else in the world (although that could be fun). You just need to find something you enjoy

I enjoyed reading, music and travel.

It may sound cliche, in my youth i was always socially active-if there was a cause, you would see me fighting it.
The children in my world, who are adults have been instilled a sense of always being socially aware and proactive in helping others.
What I am doing now, doesn't not make sense to me, people in my real life-don't actually question my way of living.
Which is hurtful in some ways because if it was one of them-i would be the first to help them.

Find something to focus on, something or someplace to help. Forget them

I know i need to do something but i just feel broken. Its like i'm standing at a crossroad and not sure which direction to take for the best.
I have no one in real life to talk to about this type of thing because we simply not open such matters.

Helping someone else will make you feel better, try it first as commenting on a few threads of people asking for help here. Doing good may make you feel better, words can help

Boredgiraffes- that is exactly the reason i signed up, over the years i have dipped in and out of Mumsnet-not really signing but lurker reading or taking hints/tips.

Then go and comment! You’ve already read enough, if you help just one person....

You sound hurt and it's ok to lick your wounds. It also sounds as if you have been used or at least taken for granted or not been appreciated.

It sounds to me like you need to rediscover your sense of humour and your sense of adventure.

You also need to treat yourself as if you are a sad and neglected pet, so lots of tlc, kindness, treats and some things to look forward to 😊

Start by reading up about things that interest you: travel being one, and go from there.

There are amazing travel opportunities like Explore and volunteering abroad options like teaching English.

If that is too much too soon then look at local hostels as they are great for meeting people from all ages and backgrounds in beautiful settings.

Good luck op .

Prettyvase- I like the concept of treating myself as a 'pet'! Volunteering abroad seems fantastic, in a ideal world i would have loved to have become a NGO worker. Fairly sure i have missed the boat on that idea given my age!
Boredgiraffe-I have over the last few days started tentatively commenting-though i am a little hesitant, given that these are real peoples lives.

The fact that you are exploring options makes me happy Sam, goodnight, speak tomorrow x

Thank you all so much for your help, just taking your time to read about my problems, truly makes me feel heard.