late 30s and feel pointless

[sam221]

Just that really, i'm in my very late 30s, single [have helped raise a couple of children-who are all adults] Until recently I had a business but due to circumstances outside of my control, was manipulated out.
I literally have done nothing at all since mid-December: my day starts about 4pm, i wake, have coffee, around 5/6pm cook dinner, eat 7pmish and then i retire back to my room. I go to sleep around 8am and then repeat my day.
I am fortunate that i do not have to worry about money, i order a weekly food shop and that's it.
Not sure what the hell i'm meant to do, also 20/30 years more living seems pointless in this way.
I was going to go travelling but I spent the last 20 years helping to raise kids, building a business, so lost most of my friends.
I am scared to travel by myself, logically i know i will be fine but i don't even feel like leaving my house.
A few weekends i have been to the supermarket but i literally done nothing else.
I spend most of my time surfing the internet,watching rubbish tv and all of this on my laptop in bed.
Somedays I dont even want to leave my bed at all but i make a point of making dinner but i end up making a lot of mess-which doesn't please my cleaner.
For the last 10 years at least i have not spent much time, for myself or even being home.
I feel completely at a loss, alone and without any direction.
I have always been the one to take charge and help others, crisis manage and generally every bodies go to problem solver.
I feel as i age i will become a burden on my family and think i should manage myself out of this pointless life i am leading.
I would be the first to help my family out of their problems but i feel like over the years, i have given and given and now i have nothing.
I feel invisible, miserable and just useless.
I have been thinking about killing myself but feel cowardly about the actual act. I think logically it would be the best solution for me because living like this is hard.
I can not go to my GP at all because i have specific insurance policies for various companies-who access my medical files,[at least once a year] my policies are done by a family member-who would tell my immediate family.
Not sure what I am asking but anyone reading this post i appreciate you reading this post.

How are things now?

Thinking about it seems like you don't have the motivation to do anything?

If so I can relate to that, I have spent years having to do things, working, children, elderly parents, house/garden renovation and now I just don't want to do anything!

Laterthanyouthink-thank you for asking!
Things are still the same, i think slowly my days seem to be merging. I follow the same pattern, though yesterday was different. I actually went out, with a few family members to the Peoples March-though i couldn't really walk too much. It was good to be out of the house, It was somewhat of a revelation just how unfit I have become. We were not there too long because i was exhausted. Stopped for a light lunch, though my appetite seems to gone.
I literally have not been anywhere for months, so did feel a little self conscious and a little detached-if that makes sense?
I hope things are better for you? I actually feel similar to you-years of doing for others and now feel completely depleted.

I mainly feel apathetic and was googling this and was surprised that there can be some health conditions around this so may be worth GP visit to look for other things especially if you felt so exhausted on Saturday. I was thinking maybe I am depressed though that doesn't entirely fit, do have quite a lot of anxiety too. The main thing is just avoiding things I don't want to do but also there isn't much that I do want to do!

I completely concur, I have no motivation to do anything and I feel somewhat retired, which is ridiculous. I feel like I have retreated but I know I could be productive, however there is no need to be.
I have not been to a GP in years, though i think saturday was a culmination of a good few months of total inactivity. I need to build backup my stamina but just can not be bothered.
What do your day look like?

*does

Op I hope you can take all advice on board as there is a lot of evidence now that shows how important the combination of exercise, learning new things and social interaction is on general well being and as a preventative to early onset dementia, which is now being directly linked to those who are socially isolated and disengaged.

More info here on the BBC/ Guardian article which also highlights how making a concerted effort reverses this process:

Humans can make new brain cells into their 90s, scientists discover , more details : break.ma/uk/4598301

I do work part time but would love to stop even though I quite enjoy the job. On days off I mainly potter around the house/ garden, I do have to walk the dog every morning so that is a benefit. I spend too much time online or watching TV/Netflix. Occasionally meet up with friends but don't often initiate the meetings!

I'm sorry you're having a rough time. Going back to your OP, you say:
I can not go to my GP at all because i have specific insurance policies for various companies-who access my medical files,[at least once a year] my policies are done by a family member-who would tell my immediate family.

This doesn't seem like a healthy situation, given the situation you now find yourself in - rarely leaving home, staying in bed for so long, finding walking long distances hard because you haven't been doing much, considering suicide (even if scared to attempt it). Do you need to continue these policies or could you move elsewhere, to a company where a family member does not have access to your medical records? What if you develop a physical medical condition that you find embarrassing but that requires treatment? Will you still avoid the GP? If you are at the point of considering suicide rather than going to the GP for help because your insurer and family member see your medical records then I think you really need to reconsider your insurance. Is it worth keeping a policy of it stops you seeking help when you need it?

I think you need to see a gp privately if you can’t see the ones connected to those you know - although I think this is a terrible situation to be in (the not being able to see a gp!) and you should seek to change it.

I think maybe the first thing to do is get back into a regular sleeping pattern. Sounds crazy but don’t underestimate the value of waking up during daylight and getting out and having some fresh air and a walk. I would set your alarm for 9am and get up and get yourself dressed. Try and get back into a normal sleeping pattern, get out of the house if you can and try and do some brisk walking. Small steps. The exercise will help to lift your move and being outside you’ll pick up some vitamin D which will also help.

Definitely look into volunteering if you feel able to, or even just learn to value yourself more. Eat the best cake, buy yourself flowers. Sounds so cheesy but you really have to love yourself.

I am in a similar place, my mum has just passed away and I was a carer for her for all my life. I am 38 and my children are needing me less and less. But I am determined to see the value in myself and be my own best friend. You can too.

Thank you all for your responses.
In the past when I have been ill (rarely)-I have seen either a private GP or my own. Specifically if I go the them about any mental health related issue, then this would have to be declared on my forms. For insurance purposes, I have yearly medicals-results of which, set my premiums.
It would be difficult to extrapolate by myself from my current financial management team, as it is directly linked to family members. Which would raise for too many questions and alarm bells.
I guess part of the problem is this lack of motivation to so anything, as there is no need. I am all but retired, which is something that is a alien to me. I have always had things to do, teams to oversea or children related things. Literally everything is done and ended at the same time.
This is why, the prospect of the next what 30/40years, seems sort of daunting to me. I have nothing to do and I am not sure I want to do anything.
The rational part of me, knows that this retreat from the world should not go on. I used to love exercise and have a small gym at home (i used to be seriously overweight, so it was a way of doing exercise without doing it infront of super healthy/fit strangers!)-honestly speaking I avoid that part of my home completely currently.
I am trying to figure out, my whole future and that just seems so strange.
I did look at escorted world tours/cruises but anywhere i go, it will not change how I am feeling. Sorry to be so morose and I appreciate the advice being given.

I think it is about having a purpose and I know I need to think about that for me. I feel a bit lost and I don't understand why as I also used to be able to plan and work towards something. I think I feel I have done what I needed to so no idea what is next and can't see much point in anything even though logically as you say I could have 30+ years to fill!

Poor you- that must be so difficult that you have hardly left the house since December. No-one wants to feel empty and purposeless and things must be pretty awful to be feeling so low.

You are young, well-off and successful so have some of the things that other people think will make them happy but depression doesn't discriminate.

The first step might be to start adjusting your sleep and wake times- so start by going to bed at 4am- read if you have to or listen to music or write in a diary. Then gradually set it back to midnight. Set an alarm to wake you at a normal hour (e.g. start at 12pm and gradually set the time back until you get to 9.30).

Do any exercise that you can manage- perhaps a quick speed walk on the treadmill and gradually increase that daily too.

It sounds obvious but diet is also really important.

Would it be possible for you to make an appointment with a private Psychologist or Psychiatrist and self-pay so that you avoid having to ask a GP for a referral / having to contact your insurance company?

@lilabet2 I am trying with the sleep but my brain just doesn't switch off. I have started setting the alarm to go off earlier each day, so at least I am awake during the day a little.
I do think therapy is a good idea, not sure if I am there yet-in terms of actually doing something productive and booking a session.
I really don't feel young-not sure how to describe it, I feel old, as in bone weary, if that makes sense?
I do know that in some ways I am more fortunate that others, though I sought of gave up my own dreams/identity to do the more pragmatic things, that had to be done.
I had family members who had to travel extensively for their jobs/some were indifferent to their children and I somehow ended up taking charge. So I have done the complete child rearing experience, from getting them into the right prep school to uni.
My businesses were hard work but my teams were dedicated and I know that, all the right decisions were taken.
I guess my whole world revolved around others so much and I concentrated on doing the right-that I know don't what is right for me.

@Laterthanyouthink I join the quest with you in figuring out the next couple of decades.
I guess I used to be very much goal driven and my days were incredibly busy, which I think is part of my problem now.
Some days I feel quite angry with myself, that this situation is unacceptable.
I think I do need to decide how to become productive and useful.
Thank you again to all who respond, this is the type of thing in my real world, I would not discuss due to being quite a private person.

You can go to a private GP and self pay without reporting it to your private health or life insurance policies. I’ve done it, not exactly for the same reasons as you but also because I had things I wanted to keep particularly private. You absolutely need that kind of help here if you want anything to change.

A lot of this does sound like ball park depression. Depression and anxiety are closely linked, with some academics arguing that there isn't much difference (though therapeutic models can be very different). But a lot of what you describe, lack of motivation, loss of appetite, sleeping a lot, loss of sense of purpose, low mood, suicidal ideation (though not intent), would fit with depression.

Going to see a private gp and or a private therapist are both sound suggestions. I suspect the private therapist may help you more longer term if any good, as it sounds like a reaction to the most recent life transition plus some longer standing issues around self care and place in the family (this is a bit of speculation based on what you've said, probably a bit off, it's only based on a few internet posts).
Anyway, first thing that would help right away is what they call " behavioural activation". Basically, starting in quite a small way, get a daily routine going of: getting up earlier, making and eating 3 meals, showering, going out to do something- just a walk, gi to the shops. Start manageable and keep going. Get a haircut. Go see the dentist. Don't wait for the feelings to come first (this is crucial). Instead start the activity almost mechanically - the better feelings will come after, prompted by the activity. It will start to reverse the spiral. Good to hear you reconnected with some social relationships at the weekend. These can also be important in helping us keep our purchase on life, so keep maintaining. Do those now adult children come to see you sometimes? Do you remain important to each other? Definitely a reason for living.

You definitely aren't too late to do ngo type work. In fact VSO only like people with clearly established professions/skills/ something to offer. You sound like you have a ton of skills to offer. They could be a place to start looking? Their projects can be really interesting, especially if money isn't a worry for you. Many people do them later in life after successful careers. Plus 30s isn't late for a career change anyway. I do think you should take some time to figure out what you want to do. I agree with others, either your therapist or a life/career coach should be able to help you figure it out a bit more.

Best wishes - you have so much more life, so much more you time give the world. Only late 30s! You just have to figure out what your next adventure will be. Btw, our lives are so long now, many of us will face similar re evaluation dilemmas. I hope you find a path that brings much joy and richness.

@starface Your post along with others is certainly giving me, clear paths forward.
The adult children now, do keep up with me fairly often-in fact my weekend 'day out' was inclusive of one of them. I don't try to convey to them my problems and they are unaware of my daily patterns.
They are very important to me and If I am honest, when I look back, helping them is something that I would not change. Each of their parents had their reasons for not parenting(a few quite selfish) but I tried to create a safe space for them to grow, breathe, be free and intellectually challenged. For them to find their own paths from their passions and to value more than money. Although i am happy I never have to attend another school play or rugby match in the freezing cold!
They would be horrified if they knew and would try to help me- I really do not want to burden them and also do not want wider family being aware of my problems.
I think everyone thinks, i am being secretive, taking meetings and forging some new business initiative because I do not make myself available to them. If they had an inkling that I had 'free' time, then some new crisis would desperately need me!
I am going to start at least leaving my home more than once a week and setting the alarm earlier.
I need to find out, things I like and do them- this is a very new concept for me, as I have always considered others first.
I didn't think I could still do NGO work, also not sure what I could offer them, I will have another google search.
Thank you for your suggestions.

As we enter spring, book yourself a break to Cornwall - go by yourself, i do it a few times a year. Just being by the sea, nature, really helps my MH problems. I have a busy family and I just need to escape from time to time and this helps me. Swimming in the sea makes me feel alive. Even the drive down is enjoyable.

Just try it. Nobody gives a shiny shit if you're on your own, nobody knows. I can just sit on the beach, staring into the sea for hours. It might be a tiny footstep to trying somewhere else, a bit further.

You enjoy music, go to a gig. I've done that by myself too.

Glad to hear you are thinking ways forward. It sounds like a very good idea to keep your boundaries and not get sucked into more doing for others - time do for yourself.
It also sounds like a great and wonderful relationship with those children. It is so important to maintain those meaningful relationships. And sounds quite right not to burden them. In fact sounds like you have a thoughtful handle on it.
Very best wishes for getting back in the saddle and riding off into the sunset on your next adventure.

All the support and suggestions are being taken seriously by me. I did get up earlier today, around 1pm so nearly 3 hours early comparably. Though i was a bit more tired, I took some vitamin tablets and had about 2 meals ish.
I am going to try to sleep a little earlier tonight and maybe try to go out tomorrow to shop. That's my tentative plans should i be able to sleep, I feel ridiculous-as in going out is not a big deal but to me currently it is dominating my thoughts! Weird!

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3543787-To-turn-down-a-high-paying-job-because-I-want-to-go-travelling-instead
Also check out this thread. Someone who wants to work in 3rd sector and is advised to develop professional skills first then move in. Suggesting you could do the same with your skills developed in business.

Glad to hear you got up and going. Hope the weekend went well. Koko.

@Starface Had a bit of an emotional week so far, I could not quite commit to going to a particular event and self excluded myself. It did not go done well and a few people were quite upset with me. If I am honest I could not truly verbalise why I could not participate and I think others were frustrated with me.
Normally when good news/events occur, I am the one to coordinate celebrations and gifts-no one really else really stepped in to take my place. So a slightly less marked event took place and I didn't go-there was a distinct difference but you would think over the years others would have absorbed some of the ways to mark an event properly.

So this week has been a bit more draining, as few(2) people have tried to engage with me but I could not open up-as i have here.
One person did really try and i inexplicable started crying, which was completely out of character for me. They were patient but i could see they were upset at seeing me upset so I brushed over my true feelings. I did want to tell them but it is weird-i felt numb and just blank. I hate to burden others and I will figure this all out.

On a slightly positive note - I am going to meet one of adult children at the end of the week, for a catchup/day out, just planning it now and it should hopefully a better day. I am waking a little earlier but still mid afternoon- most of me life I have been up and out by around 6/7 am!

Hope everyone else is having nicer week and thank you all for the concern.

It's such a very hard thing to talk about - for many reasons, privacy, shame, and also the generalised stigma means we don't have good cultural ways of saying these things. I think the crying might give a clue (!), though people may not know what to make of it exactly.

If you've always filled that role I'm not surprised no one stepped in tbh. Or that people were frustrated not empathetic when they don't know what is happening. But honestly don't worry about that for now. When you can't get out of bed till after lunch, your depression is such that your only priority right now is getting yourself in a better place. The other stuff will right itself, maybe the whole system needs a readjustment if you are going to shift the roles you take on a bit.

Any luck finding a private therapist? I do think you may well need that to really get you out of this. This thread is all well and good, but no real substitute and won't get you back to where you were. Also, it can be harder talking to people we know well, but talking to someone independent who we are paying for that purpose is often much easier! It would give you a place to think about how you can talk to your family more easily.

Also I thought you could look for someone who has life coaching skills as well as CBT skills. That way they can help you figure out your next direction. Plus if you are concerned about family, you can frame it more as life review/coaching. There is a site called somethlike counselling directory which is quite good for finding people.
Although actually I don't personally think there should be such a stigma saying that this your reaction to your current situation, but I know this is a personal hobby horse so I don't want to push that perspective.

Hey @sam221 how's things?

Hey @Starface thank you for asking after me, that is lovely of you- I hope all is well with you.
Firstly my day out at the end last week was cancelled, due to a timing issue.
This week has been a bit of a wake up call for me, to slowly start to rethink my life. Mid-week I had to re-engage with my previous life, due to a business clients sudden disappearance. I basically have most details on my phone.
Sadly this client was a wonderfully canterous elderly gentleman, in his 70s- no friends/no family and very much a recluse in his private life.
Some of my former staff needed to get intouch with him about a business matter but he was not contactable. Which for him was extremely unusual, I gave them the details and I also tried to contact him.
Unfortunately it was then discovered he has passed away and not a single person to miss him or claim him.
He really did have the most amazing stories of his adventures and business exploits. We used to chat over teas for hours, on many occasions.
He always told me he wanted his ashes spread in the county he was born in, where he lived as a child and was the happiest.
He had not been in about 20 years plus but i booked him trip last year.
He came back and was so appreciative to have visited the county and promptly rebooked for the following months (in total he ended up going back monthly for about 6 months)
I am awaiting some more information, as clearly i am not next of kin but if i can get his ashes released to me-then I will go with my staff and we will carry out his last wishes.
If that is not possible, then I will organise a staff trip anyway and we can all go and raise a glass in his honour.

I guess finding out about my client, the circumstances of his life's' end- well I don't know how to describe it- i felt a cord being struck.

On Wednesday I went out by myself for the first time since December-no staff,no family, just me. I took a long walk and sat on a bench by a nature reserve for quite some time.
I really absorbed the fresh air and truly contemplated my life, I figured a few things out.

Firstly: everyone here on Mumsnet, has really helped me to make some positive changes with spot on advice.

Secondly: life is short and I am here-so I need to make some changes, work on my more positive relationships and draw a line on the others.

Thirdly: I need to get out of the house daily and stick to it.

Fourly: I should just do one extra thing a day, each day to slowly bring about a bigger change.

As you all can tell I am a bit of planner, when I can get myself going. Yesterday I ticked off all of those listed things, I went out shopping, with one of the children (adult-now!), the rainchecked one from last week.
I even bought myself a ring, something I have not done in about 10 years! Just off the cuff because I liked it!

Little by little i will try each day, to step away from my darker thoughts and try a bit harder.
I am sorry for rambling on so much and thank you so much all for your input. You guys all really are so supportive and have helped this stranger start to contemplate for a tomorrow.