Suicidal

[CareOrNot]

Not even sure how to start this.

Things have been getting worse for a while. Under the crisis team. They know I'm suicidal but don't seem concerned. Told them again today that I'm suicidal and have a plan. They said they'd ring me on Sunday.

Was talk of admission in the week but they decided not to as it would interrupt therapy and be disruptive for DCs (I'm a single parent).

Have realised that there isn't any help and there's nothing that can help me. Just need to make sure DCs are safe and then I can do what I need to do.

Have taken meds so may fall asleep soon. But will be back tomorrow.

I hope they contacted you eventually OP

How was your day?

They eventually just sent a text at almost 11pm.

Spoke to them today and my next contact with them is supposed to be Thursday. They also said that they should hear about a care coordinator with CMHT by the end of the week and then I'll be transferred to them.

I text them earlier asking for someone to ring me this evening after 7 (they know I really struggle to phone and are happy for me to text). No reply and no call - I don't think I'm going to get one.

I don't know what to do. I'm really struggling and I need some help.

Finally managed to speak to someone. I've promised to keep myself safe tonight and they're going to ring me tomorrow to talk about admission.

Fingers crossed for an admission to keep you safe and start you on the path to recovery

Well done Care at contacting them. Stay safe tonight.
Do whatever methods you use to keep calm and safe. Can you sleep in with one of the kids tonight?

I’m so sorry you are going through this but you are much much stronger than you realise

I'm so glad you got to speak to them.
Hope you get a good night sleep xx

So, they called me earlier and don't want to do an admission. They want me to go to day services instead. They've agreed to work it so I can do it during school hours.

Don't know what I think about it tbh but I've said I'll give it a try starting on Thursday as I have a therapy appointment tomorrow. I'll be honest and say I can't see how this is going to help though. I think their thinking is that I won't be alone during school hours and won't do anything to myself when the DCs are in the house. So that will keep me safe. It doesn't take any sort of pressure off me though. And I did tell them last night that I was scared I'm getting to the point I'm going to do something when the DCs are in bed.

I'm glad you got to sort something out although not exactly what you wanted.
Do you think they are also thinking you are a lovely mum and the best place for you and your children is together?
What keeps you going op? What are the thoughts and feelings that keep you alive? X

I think they also don't want the upheaval for the DCs - especially DC2. And they keep saying that the DCs are my safeguarding factor (that's not the exact words they use but I can't remember right now). Which they are. But only up to a point...which I'm getting dangerously near.

Right now the only reason I'm still alive is for my DCs. But I can't carry on like this. The thoughts and memories are so frequent and so horrible that I need to stop them. All I want is to find a way to make sure my DCs are safe and cared for and then I can get on with what I need to do.

I asked school to help. They contacted social services (which I was fully aware they'd do and welcomed). That was a month ago. Today I got a call to say they're coming next Tuesday to do an assessment - another whole week. I cannot carry on like this in the hope that someone, at some point, will help. I can't keep holding it together.

Your DC are lucky to have you keep going for them and they absolutely deserve to have their mum.
May be a ridiculous thing to say but can you give yourself a 'holiday' for tonight from the thoughts until you see your therapist tomorrow?
Just something that helped me when I went through a bad time. Every time (often) I got a thought pop into my head I would tell myself no, I'm on holiday today and at a certain time tomoro/next week they are allowed but not until then? May be a really silly thing to you but worth a suggestion x

The thoughts/memories are so intrusive. In my dreams as well so I don't get any respite at night either. But I can definitely try that - thank-you.

It sounds awful. Sending you big hugs xx

You probably won’t relate to this but I just want to say you are showing incredible strength and bravery, I know your pain and it is difficult to keep going when you feel so desperate, that’s how strong and brave you are, keep going OP xx

OP I’m amazed at your strength you must be exhausted
But your babies do need you. You are staying safe and strong for them and that is wonderful and you are a hero.

Can you envisage a big wall around your head blocking those thoughts. Literally them bouncing off and not being allowed in?

What do you feel is the help you are missing? What has worked in the past and what would change things? I’m so hoping therapy gives you the tools to move on as you do deserve a peaceful happy life.

When it feels like all you want is quiet and it feels like there is only one way to achieve that can you call the Samaritans and just ask them to sit with you- they will happily sit in silence or hum or chat nonsense with you just whilst the negative thoughts are at their worst?

Hi OP without pressurising you to reply I just wanted to say hope you are doing ok. X