I've hit rock bottom

[Knittedfrog]

I've hit rock bottom. There is no light at the end of the tunnel. There is no the only way is up. There is no glimmer of hope. There is no this is just a moment.

This is it. I've hit as low as I can hit. I can't see any future. Money is at zero with no qualification for and help. No bills or mortgage can be paid. There is nothing. Nothing good to cling onto.

I've stopped eating. I'm too cowardly to kill myself but at the same time I just want to die. I know if I'm not here my sister will take my young adult child into her home and under her wing.

I just wanted to say it out loud as I have no real life support. Life used to be so good and I never took it for granted. Not sure what I did to deserve this.

Nothing. You’ve done nothing.
The light is there. You can’t see it at the moment as you’re too deep in the dark.
Can you take just one step towards it? See GP? Are you in work?

I'm in work. Band 2 NHS. But h lost his job and I can't afford it all on what I earn. Everything has spiraled. My mh is not good at the best of times and this has sent it off the scale.
I have to protect my dc and I know if I'm not here my sister will protect her. I don't care about me, only my dc.

Your DC will be physically looked after but that’s not what they would care about most without you.
What’s DH doing about getting another job? Anything? You can’t hold everyone up.
Can you make a GP appointment? I’ve not been exactly where you are but close. Paralysed and just wanting it all to stop. I got help and I’m sooooo much better.

Thank you for replying. He isn't trying that hard in my opinion. He's done very senior roles and won't look at anything less. We don't have much of a relationship and haven't for years.
I just want to not be here. I know it's running away but I don't have the strength to face it all.
Everyone thinks my life is great and I just keep on pretending because I'm so ashamed.
My mum and bf know but they aren't in a position to help me.
I can't see any way out of this.

There is a way.
He needs to take a job. Anything.
Can he negotiate a break in mortgage payments?
He needs to step up.
You need to focus just on you. You only need to be strong enough to take one step. Just one. Can you make a GP appointment? You deserve help and your DC deserve to have you around.

Your child would be devastated if you killed yourself and although looked after in terms of daily life the mental effects of a mother’s suicide are massive, that’s the truth. So you are not thinking about your child when you think of ending everything.
Having said that what is making you think this way is depression, that is an illness and with help can be better managed. GO AND SEE YOUR GP. Tell them how you are feeling. Tell them you see no way forward.
You matter. You can get out of this hole you feel trapped in at present.

Thank you. I have today off and I'm sitting here sobbing. I know I sound like a stupid pity party. I'm 48, I should be able to sort my life out. I just feel utter despair. I wish I had someone who could make it all go away. I don't want to be the adult.

Yes, “adulting” sucks sometimes. You don’t need todoit alone. Please pick up the phone and talk to your GP, they won’t solve the problem but it will be the first step in moving forward.

You could try speaking to the samaritans - over loading can help.

Good luck 💐

Thank you for replying. I can't see anyone else helping me. I need to be practical and find solutions for myself. All my stress and anxiety is situational. I need to change the situation to get myself better. It's hard when you can't see a way out or the only way out is a drastic one. It's like I need one thing to get better and everything else will follow. All I can think of is getting my dc in a stable, secure environment with people that will be there for her. I've failed to give her that. Sorry, I'm rambling.

Please don't think I'm ignoring all of your advice. I'm just in such a mess and feel I'm too deep in to get out of it.

Knitted frog I was exactly there a month ago. My hit rock bottom BAD. I felt like I was in a deep dark hole and no way to get out. Extremely depressed, discouraged, and all hope was gone. I moved to England thinking I met the love of my life, had a child to him. While pregnant he became extremely abusive, my whole world would never be the same. I constantly asked myself what did I do so wrong to deserve this? I have no job, no savings, I left everything back home. I don't even have my visa sorted yet I'm England. I literally felt like I had no way out. The only thing that stopped me from killing myself is the fact that I now have a son who needs his mum. So I know exactly how you feel. I'm there with you. My relationship with god turned bitter and remorseful. Doubt has crept into my mind and anger as why did he allow this after being so faithful to him for years. And I guess I don't know. I've tried to keep myself busy, I started to workout out and it's made me feel better. All I can say is this too shall pass love. It's hard and I know how you feel but it will pass. And whether you're religious or not I will pray for you. Stay strong, for the mean time do small things that make you happy and I highly suggest you force yourself to go on a walk with dh sometime in the day everyday day, a walk can lift both your spirits tremendously.

When you feel like there is nothing you can do to help yourself it can be totally paralyzing.

However, you are 48 and you have got this far in life so it is not all lost! The trick is to try and think of the things you can do which point you up. Even the smallest of things is heading up.

Is it that you have a conversation with your DH about how his lack of job is impacting?

Is it that you spend some time with your DC reading a book / watching a movie to see their beautiful smile?

Is it that when you get home you run a nice bath, have a drink of choice and put on a meditation app to clear your mind?

Is it that you go and spend an evening with your bf / mum?

One thing that points up which you can achieve today and you will be reminded that you are strong enough to get through this rough patch

You can email the Samaritans, they helped me when I hit rock bottom a few years ago. I couldn’t face talking to anyone, hid it from everyone, I don’t actually have anyone it’s all superficial friendships. But it really helped emailing, they were great! You might not be in the right frame of mind just yet for practical advice. X

I was where you are and my gp prescribed a low dose antidepressant and counselling.
Within the first few weeks of the tablet I had the confidence to try to sort out the list of problems I have.
I won't pretend my life is brilliant or that I've recovered, but they did help me to take little steps which I try every day.
Please be kind to yourself and access the help you need.
I'm so sorry life is so tough for you atm.

Thank you for taking the time to post. I know all of what everyone says is true. It's finding the strength to take the first step to do something. I just feel that if my dc was with my sister then I wouldn't have to drag her through this with me. But, I know if I'm still here she will want to be with me. I gave up eating do my body would shut down so it doesn't look like it's my fault.

Come on, knittedfrog ! Sometimes it helps to look at the worst case scenario. So the mortgage doesn't get paid - so what? Maybe put the house up for sale. Eventually the house gets sold and you take your share of the money and sort out something for you and dc. The bills don't get paid - so what? You might get ccj's, or maybe your husband will ...You don't get imprisoned for debt these days! Can I suggest you see someone who specializes in debt counselling, so you can get proper advice. But it's never as bad as it looks.

Oh my love, it's awful, I know.
i know it's easy for us to say, but taking that first step to the gp will be a big start for helping you to gain your equilibrium.
I have a dd too, she is 15, I worry about her seeing me like this, it doesn't seem fair to them.
I bet your dd would much rather have you alive with her than dead and her with your sister.
Sometimes, I feel so guilty for putting the family through this, but it's what families are there for. Lean on your dsis and mum whilst you need their help.
Maybe ask one of them to accompany you to the gp if you don't think you'll manage on your own.
Above all, be kind to yourself. This is not your fault, it's a chemical imbalance that makes us like this.

It’s actually a bit of a catch 22. When you don’t eat your mood dips further, when I’m bad I use food as a battering rod. When I eat even a little it helps to start to pick me up. Have a little something please.

First step taken - we're going to put the house on the market.
Singlenotsingle you are right but it's just so hard to see.
My dc is off at the weekend so I'm telling her tonight so she has the weekend to deal with it. It's going to be a massive blow to her. Practically and financially we can't stay here so there's no point prolonging it and getting into further debt.
I have a beautiful cat that I'm not sure I can keep. I will do all I can to keep him though.
Unfortunately I'm working all weekend so I'm going to tell my mum tonight as I know my dc will go to her for support if she needs it.
I guess it's goodbye old life and a new uncertain scary future awaits.
You are right I have to be there for my dc even if it's not in the best circumstances.

My poor darling - sending huge hugs
All I can say is to take baby steps and try and try and compartmentalise one bit at a time.
Try and get any help at all to get a glimmer of light
❤️❤️❤️❤️

Well done knittedfrog! You've made the right decision and I'm sure everything will start to look a bit brighter now. The darkest hour is before the dawn. But like pps have said, you probably need to see the GP as well.

That’s a very big first step. Do consider the GP too. A low dose anti depressant also really helped me and CBT taught me how to break things down.
I know it doesn’t seem like the biggest thing right now but if you needed it could anyone foster your cat for a while?
It might seem scary now but I changed my life totally when I fell ill with depression. I have such a better life now. I really do.
Good luck OP. Always here if you need a handhold.

Well done for taking a forward step. Remember you don’t have to do this alone, get support from
Others.