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Mental health

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Original poster

Think Ds1 may be a bit depressed & it isn't helping him that I am not on top form myself

24 replies

Pinkchampagne · 03/07/2007 19:08

He has been behaving really badly since the house move/separation, and today I found him just lying on his stomach on a pile of cushions.
I have sat him on my lap & given him a cuddle, telling him I love him & will have a chat with him when DS2 is in bed, but I am down myself & have gone & cried in front of the boys, which is just terrible. I have put their DVD on & come upstairs to try & pull myself together because it's the last thing they need to see.
DS2 even said to me "Do you want daddy, mummy?"
Poor poor boys.

OP posts:

j20baby · 03/07/2007 19:18

ah pc, it'll get better, just take each day as it comes.

sending you hugs x

arizona · 03/07/2007 19:24

Oh poor you. Really feel for you. Nothing useful to say except time will hopefully make things better. Try not to feel too bad. Sounds like everything has changed and needs a bit of getting used to. Take care.

Original poster

Pinkchampagne · 03/07/2007 20:00

Thank you both for your messages.

I have sat with DS & had a chat with him, although he didn't really give much away other than it makes him sad when I'm sad.
We had a hug, I tried to reassure him, and we made popcorn in the microwave!

I have been low all day today, which reached an absolute peak around 6pm after discovering DS1 just lying on the cushions.

i try to avoid crying in front of the boys, but this evening the tears just kept coming & coming, and there was nothing I could do to prevent it.

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Original poster

Pinkchampagne · 03/07/2007 20:06

Ds2 asking me if I wanted daddy, just made me cry even more.

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j20baby · 03/07/2007 20:11

its so hard isn't it? i'm not coping any better so can't offer any advice just support x

Original poster

Pinkchampagne · 03/07/2007 20:14

Sorry to hear you're still struggling, j20. It is hard isn't it? Hope things get easier for you soon.

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Original poster

Pinkchampagne · 03/07/2007 20:36

How do I make it better for them? I am feeling guilty that they are going through upset because of all this, and I feel bad for not being better able to deal with it right & make it all better.

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j20baby · 03/07/2007 21:25

Hi pc, i think you've got to remind yourself the reasons why you are on your own, i don't know your situation, but i'm guessing that you felt it would be in your best interest and the kids to end your relationship with your ex, remember this and keep strong and start every day afresh, thinking of you x

j20baby · 03/07/2007 21:26

oh and try to stop feeling guilty x

controlfreaky2 · 03/07/2007 21:29

tomorrow is another day. its ok to be sad and ok for ds to be sad. good for him to be able to talk about how he feels. sdont know the full story on what's happened but any huge change is difficult for everyone. children are v adaptable / accepting. does he see his dad?

merrygoround · 03/07/2007 21:34

Don't know your situation but don't think it is so terrible to cry in front of children. I grew up thinking my mum was some kind of robot because she rarely showed her feelings (apart from sighing.,... ) and think it might be ok to see your mum as a real human being. Obviously there are limits, but I presume you will seek help if your own sadness becomes too hard to manage? Try to focus on positives, get out, do nice things and gradually, hopefully, you will find it less of a struggle to cope with daily life.

Original poster

Pinkchampagne · 03/07/2007 21:40

The boys do see their dad normally at some point of each day, even if only for 10 minutes when he finishes work.
They are clearly suffering though, and it upsets them to see me upset, so I try hard to hold it together.
I'm not doing at all well on the holding it together front tonight though.

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arizona · 03/07/2007 21:43

Don't worry. Sounds like you've had a rough old day. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. Giving your love to your boys is the best thing you can do. you sound like a lovely mum.

merrygoround · 03/07/2007 21:43

I think you have to write some nights off and just wait for the morning to come and start again. When you cry, if the children see you, can you make it better for all of you by putting on a favourite video or something and all snuggling up on the sofa till you feel better? Or getting into bed together to read a story (nothing too emotional....) That way at least if you all have to share in the sadness you can also share in the getting through it.

controlfreaky2 · 03/07/2007 21:51

do you think seeing him for 10 mins is good for them or just unsettles and upsets them because it's so brief? just wondering, dont know the answer..... might a bigger chunk of quality time alone with him be more enjoyable for them (and give you a bit of time to get your own head round all this??

Original poster

Pinkchampagne · 03/07/2007 21:52

I sat with them when I had composed myself, and hugged them both.
Later, when DS2 was in bed, I sat with DS1 on his own & asked him why he was sad. He told me he is sad about being naughty & he is sad when I am sad.
I reassured him as best I could & then we made popcorn!

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Original poster

Pinkchampagne · 03/07/2007 21:57

I guess you could have a point there, CF. I was thinking they might get upset if there was no daddy time at all, and I know their dad likes to see them if he can (we are only 6 weeks into this, so it is all very new still), but maybe it is actually doing more harm than good.

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controlfreaky2 · 03/07/2007 22:10

it might feel to them that it's only 10 mins because he doesnt want more time with them or because you wont let him have more time...... you and they have moved to a new situation where mummy and daddy dont live togehter anymore...... they need time and space to adjust to that and to learn how to continue their relationships with each of you in the new circumstances..... how old are they? what does ex dp want by way of time with them?

Original poster

Pinkchampagne · 03/07/2007 22:19

They are 4 and 7 years old. My 7 year old seemed far more effected, but tonight my 4 year old was crying, saying "I want daddy" It was the first time that's happened.

The problem is ex H's shift work. He sees them for longer periods of time when he can.
I see what you're saying about the quick bursts being unsettling though, and that is something I will have to discuss with their dad. Maybe it isn't helping them at all.

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controlfreaky2 · 03/07/2007 22:46

do hope tomorrow is a bit easier for you. good luck.

Original poster

Pinkchampagne · 03/07/2007 23:04

Thank you, CF.

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j20baby · 04/07/2007 11:11

Hope for feeling better today pc x

Lizzylou · 04/07/2007 11:18

PC, hope you feel better today. Yu must not feel guilty about getting down.
PC, my parents split when I was 10 and I saw both of them cry. I think that it is a good thing, you are human, you are sad at the situation and your boys can see that. Bottling it all up is far more destructive.
What you need to do, imo, is reassure them that you will not always feel like this and, although you may all feel sad at the moment, you will all be happy soon.

You do sound like a lovely Mom, just keep talking to your boys, letting them know they can talk to you and making that popcorn (yum!).

Original poster

Pinkchampagne · 04/07/2007 22:14

Feeling a tiny bit better than last night thanks, although I was tearful again this morning & I'm very worried about my DS's.

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