MN please dont let me down, I really need you

[naswm]

I am shaking so much I can hardly type

dh started treatment today and is suffering horrendous side effects. It is horrible to watch. It brings back so much torment.

I want to get in the car and drive far far away from here and take all my pills.

I love him so dearly - but I cant watch him like this. I am trapped in this life. My DSs are asleep upstairs. I love them so much too. They need me. My dh needs me. But I cant cope with them.

How am I goin to get through this?

I badly need a drink but am even frightened to do that.

yes mama

sorry lulu - dindt meant ot be rude. I just dont like being told what to do, sorry, fogive me

no worries, darling, i know i sound very mummy like

my best friend calls me mum , when i get my very sensible head on!

no, I waS rude, sorry

I will go

no , not rude, i promise !

take care xxxxxxxxxxxx

naswm - am praying for you and your DH {hug}. PLEASE remember you have friends on here who care about you and love you and will be here for you {hug}

I came on here to update for those of you who have been following my story and supporting me. And I was shocked to see I had been posting on here last night. I had forgotten I had posted .

Anyway, dh is doing much better at the moment. He got up this afternoon and has got dressed. he says he still feels 'spaced out' and has an awful headache but he has some appetite back so I think we are over the worst (for this week anyway). He is still a terrible yellow colour though.

I am feeling more together this evening too. I dont know if that will last, but it is a start I guess. I have another heavy week therapy wise so I that may well knock me off my perch at some point.

Thank you again if you have been following and for trying to lift me up while I am down.

Nx

took me a while to realise this was you (have had internet problems and didn't notice the name change) but have been worrying about you.

glad dh is a bit better today.

xx

naswm, I wonder if I can give some reassurance, but don't know what your dh's tablets are. Are they chemotherapy tablets like capecitibine? If so, I was on them for 6 months and although I felt awful for the first couple of weeks, the specialist reduced the dose and it became much much more handleable.

If the tablets you're referring to are the chemo drug itself, I'd suggest getting in touch with his specialist again.

mumble how kind of you to offer that advice. Thank you. The pills are Ribavarin (sp?) they are the biological anti cancer part. The drug which we think he had the sever reaction to was given in hosp on Friday. I am not sure of the name. It was given by injection. he has that once a week - so we are not looking forward to next Friday

Oh dear, sounds awful.

I don't have any experience of that one, but certainly it's not at all uncommon for the chemo people (I'm losing it, can't remember what you call them) to have to keep tweaking the dose till they get it right.

My own experience was nowhere near as hard as your poor dh - I was on the oral chemo and once they got the dose right i wasn't very ill at all, in fact only had one day off work when i literally couldn't get out of bed.

When you go back to the hospital, ask if they can try a different dose, and I really hope you and your dh feel better soon.

Hi Naswm, been off MN over weekend but just wanted to check in to say I'm glad your dh is a bit better, fingers crossed for the week ahead. xxxx

I think I got overexcited yesterday. He got up and dressed and appeared to be a bit better. But today he is in bed again and looking and feeling rough. (It is so unlike him to spend time in bed).

Apparently the dose is based on weight - but we will certainly mention it this week.

When I got back from the school run, and an appt with one of my pyschiatrists, I was really cross to see his work phone on the bed next to him. Apparently they have called him 3 times. I tried to take the phone away or turn it off, but he wouldnt let me. I am so angry about it.

In fact I am feeling very angry and tense and generally crap myself right now. I have so much to do. I dont know where to start. I am frustrated with dh for being ill and I am fed up with looking after everyone and doing everything round here.

I think I need to bash hell out of my pillow but I cant even do that as dh is in bed

It is frustrating when people are ill though, isn't it? And then you have to do everything and actually you quite need some looking after yourself. I don't think it is selfish to feel like that, to be honest.

His work are way out of order in calling him.

Trying to think of quiet tension-relieving things.... any pens or pencils you can break, cushions downstairs you can thump?

You are doing bloody well in carrying all these burdens alone.

{hugs} naswm. You know you can rant away on here. You need all the support you can get. Are there any support groups for you IRL? Perhaps you can ask at the hospital?

Thinking of you and praying for you and your DH.

thansk - I am rreally not doing well this evneing. DS1 has been complaining of tummy ache all day (he has bowel probs so always more than the usual worry). And I am exhauzsted and emotinally drained.

when the boys are in bed I am going for a long drive. I am feeling very claustrophobic

Take care naswm

I do that too sometimes, when things get on top of me. Remember though if you need someone we're here. And TAKE CARE when driving! {hug}

I'm here naswm honey. {{{{{{hugs}}}}}}

I wanted to come on and say thank you to everyone who has posted messages on this thread.

dh is doing 'okay' now. He says he doesnt expect to feel any better than he is right now. It seems that the worst stage is a few hours after teh injection is given, then every 12 hours after that he gets a bit better until the point he reached yesterday. If taht makes sense. the horrible thing is though that in less than 48 hours time he has yet another injection....

I am sort of coping. Last Friday I was desperately low. today I am just low. the feelings in my head havent gone, they are just not quite so obvious, IYKWIM.

I think if I need to post again I will start another thread, but I didnt want to leave this one without saying a huge thank you to:

BreeVanDerCamp
Kathyis6incheshigh
onlyjoking
FioFio
gibboninaribbon
Califrog
Rubyrioja
Megalegs
Pinkchampagne
lionheart
mercy
reindeermum
LadyVictoriaofCake
lulumama
littlemissnob ody
MaryBS
squonk
mumblechum
Dutchoma
CaptainDippy

I feel quite humbled typing that list of 20 names. Thank you.

Thinking of you this morning, please let us know how things went...