MN please dont let me down, I really need you

[naswm]

I am shaking so much I can hardly type

dh started treatment today and is suffering horrendous side effects. It is horrible to watch. It brings back so much torment.

I want to get in the car and drive far far away from here and take all my pills.

I love him so dearly - but I cant watch him like this. I am trapped in this life. My DSs are asleep upstairs. I love them so much too. They need me. My dh needs me. But I cant cope with them.

How am I goin to get through this?

I badly need a drink but am even frightened to do that.

I will have to disappear in a minute as DH is home but I just wanted to see how you were doing naswm. Wish I could do something really positive for you. I'll be thinking of you and you'll be in my prayers, you, your DH and your precious DSs. x

I don't know any of your story or history but you are absolutely not on your own there are lots of us here. Even if we are not actually in your room with you please keep talking about how you are feeling - it sounds like any suggestion or support would help. Stay strong you CAN get through this and it will not always be this bad I promise.

friend coming over. just came on to msn and said she woudl be straight round. Even offered to sleep on sofa. but i cant let her do taht. I am greateful for company thogh.

that's great to hear

If she wants to stay, let her petal x

Glad you have a friend nearby - let her sleep over, why not? That's what friends are for

Let us know how you all are tomorrow.

thanks strawbeery

That's a relief, naswm, sounds like you have a good friend there.

dh woudl be so embarased - we are v private people. he woidl kill me for taling on here so candid ly.

Oh I'm so glad you've got someone coming over. Hope you get some rest and have a better day tomorrow. Take care xx

Hope things get better tomorrow. Have a good night's rest.

You're in my thoughts petal x

Glad you have a friend coming round, naswm.
Take care.x

glad you have someone to come and sit with you, was good to talk to you on MSN sorry i had to disapper MIL on phone she gets a bit grumpy if she hears me typimg in the background!
i will look out for you tomorrow.

thank you for talking to me last night. I was in a dreadful state when I starting this thread. I was so panicky and really didnt know what to do for the best. I have never seen dh so delirious and uncontrollable.

My friend came round last night and chatted with me for about an hour. It was very very good of her after a busy week. I ended up alsmost falling asleep while she was here. (I had taken my pill earlier on and it kicked in when I relaxed slightly I think).

We had a disturbed night but he is sooooooo much better this morning. He hasnt had any of the awful shaking delirious moments since last night. He is now able to talk properly which is also a relief. He wants to take his meds this morning though, so I am very apprehensive about it. But I hope that most extreme initial reaction is over.... Until next week. But at least then we will be more prepared for it.

Today I am all over the place mentally. I am even more drained, emotionally, than usual. When i lay awake in the middle of the night I had awful suicidal thoughts (and worse) - which I would then beat myself for having. I cant take much more of this mental torture.

I need to give my DSs some attention now. I dont want to, but they need it. At some point I also want to go shopping and buy dh ond of those V shaped pillows for in bed.

Thank you mn

ps I poured myself a large drink last night but couldnt drink it. I dont know what that says about me. But I am sure some of you would be wondering if I had succumbed.

well done for not drinking.

i dont know your situation, but am very aware of how scary it can be when a loved one is having treatment.

Take care, have a good long walk round to find a pillow, i always felt better when i was doing things like hunting out pillows or pj's for dh in hospital.

morning

was out babysitting, no internet last night.

very well done for not drinking

that is something to be extremely proud of

well done for getting through last night
(((hug)))

DH had some cornflakes and we've done his morning meds. I am very nervouos.

Just done scrambled eggs for DSs breakfast. And now sitting with DS1 doing his homework. DS2 wants to be with daddy but I am trying to keep him away so he can rest. I also dont want them to see him if he goes into that state again.

I dont see not drinking as anyting to be proud of. More of a reflection of the incredibly powerful mental torment I was under. I am craving now. I also want to curl up in a ball and cry

glad you got throu the night ok and that this morning is somewhat better.

well today he has remained pretty much teh same. I had hoped he would pick up. He is so low as well. And hey, guess what? the leaflet with some of his pills says watch out for depression - and that some people taking the tabs have committed suicide. Great, just what we need. Someone else in the family suffering in this way.

I am incredibly tired. And feeling very resentful. I hate myself for feeling like that.

The boys' tea should be ready now, then I need to make up their beds and change our bed. I really dont have any inclination to do anything though. And tonight I have 2 weeks worth of ironing to do. When all I want to do is get drunk.

I am very sombre at the moment.

naswm - how are you?

hi mercy thanks for aksing after me - I am feeling crap. And I am getting drunk. Sorry

keep missing you !

Anyway, I'm off to bed now. Let us know how you are tomorrow.

Hello there

{{hug}}

hello both

I am sort of here - onlyu cos I dont want to go to bed

I am pissed and still bloody unapphy.

you should try to sleep, lack of sleep is not going to help

i know in the grand scheme of things, a sleep feels like nothing, but every little thing can build up to make things a tiny bit less difficult