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Mental health

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Original poster

ExH sounds suicidal

54 replies

NeedAQuietWord · 03/01/2019 07:40

I really need advice
ExH and I split a little over 6 months ago and he has not been coping well

He was diagnosed with depression a couple of days after the separation and is on an SSRI. He is probably undiagnosed ASD too like one of our children (child is diagnosed) we both agree on this.

Things are getting worse not better, he's barely sleepwalking through his life, not got any coping skills and is struggling to function as an independent adult. He's also still harassing me and is currently sending messages implying he's suicidal

OP posts:

Original poster

NeedAQuietWord · 03/01/2019 07:57

CW FOR DISCUSSING HIS POTENTIAL SELF HARM PLANS FOLLOWS

By suicidal I mean he has mentioned that he's not coping and says he's going to end up 'swinging from a tree'. Repeatedly references going away and how I will be able to use his pension money to buy a more suitable home for the children, how they will be ok because I'll have the survivor pension (he has a public sector full pension). He said a while ago that he was going to end it all because he can't live like this. He didn't do anything.

I feel stuck. The ONLY thing he wants to hear is come back. I can't say that because I don't want him back, we aren't getting back together. His behaviour has been unforgivably awful for years and has driven me away.

Speak to his siblings? His GP? How to support him without promising to have him back?

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Mixedbags · 03/01/2019 08:03

How awful for you. I would contact one of his friends or family member and let them know your concerns for his health. You could tell him to go to emergency a/e if he feels he wants to act on thoughts of self harm. Someone will assess him there. The after effects of suicide on relatives/children is devastating, maybe hint at this to him about the effects on his children and they wouldn’t want him to do this?

Singlenotsingle · 03/01/2019 08:06

It's a hard one, but really he is trying to guilt trip you into having him back, which would be a disaster. His GP won't speak to you due to patient confidentiality, and if you spoke to his family I'd worry that they would try to persuade you to take him back.

He sounds like he's got mh problems. If he loved you, he would have treated you properly while you were together. He's a grown up and TBH he's not your responsibility.

Original poster

NeedAQuietWord · 03/01/2019 08:07

He wouldn't present at A & E, I know.
He knows about the impact on kids we've discussed it before as my parent committed suicide when I was a teenager but I don't think he's thinking straight tbh. Logic disappears when you feel that low, I get that.

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Original poster

NeedAQuietWord · 03/01/2019 08:10

He kind of is my responsibility partly though, we have two under 13s together which he is currently looking after. And I'm legally still his wife /NOK.

It is very manipulative but OTOH he's quite high risk for doing something too.

I know his Dr can't discuss him with me but I also know I can tell him stuff and he can listen and decide if anything needs to be done. (I work in health)

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bookwormsforever · 03/01/2019 08:12

If he was diagnosed with depression only a couple of DAYS after you split up, he must have been depressed before, therefore can’t blame it on your split.

He’s trying to guilt you into getting back with him. He’s not your problem any more - sorry if that sounds harsh. But if he’s been awful to you for years, he doesn’t deserve your sympathy now.

Tell his family. They can deal with him. Or ring the police for advice. I’d block his number though, if he’s harassing you.

Original poster

NeedAQuietWord · 03/01/2019 08:14

He's depressed, he's abusing alcohol and is probably still using weed. He often sounds paranoid and definitely feels persecuted and hard done by. Because of his previous job he is also capable of successfully committing suicide if he chose to.

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Original poster

NeedAQuietWord · 03/01/2019 08:17

I can't block him he's looking after the children atm. I work shifts so his contact is generally when I need after hours childcare.

My boss is fab and I can almost certainly do office hours in the short term if needed but not forever. And the children do have a positive relationship with him mainly.

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Schmoozer · 03/01/2019 08:18

Hi,
I would inform other people who know and are close to him, to share the load of supporting him
I would also alert services if i thought he may act on his suicidal thoughts
I’d let his Gp know, they can’t discuss him with you. But they can listen to your concerns and refer him to MH crisis team for community support
I’d contact police and ask them
To do a welfare check on him
I would ask myself if he is safe to have the children
Would he be one of those dads that takes the children’s life and then his own to spite you 😢

Original poster

NeedAQuietWord · 03/01/2019 08:20

I think I'll ring his family this morning. And see if I can speak to the gp.

I mostly feel like I'm just not the right person to support him through this, seeing as I ended the relationship (!) but at the same time he hasn't really got anyone else

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Original poster

NeedAQuietWord · 03/01/2019 08:22

Schmoozer I really really hope not but of course the possibility worries me enormously, I'm very aware of it.

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HollowTalk · 03/01/2019 08:23

The more people you involve in this, the better. He's putting massively unfair pressure on you.

Original poster

NeedAQuietWord · 03/01/2019 08:24

I spoke to the samaritans for advice last time he said similar, but tbh I already knew what they'd say. I can't fix how he feels but I need to keep the children safe.

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Schmoozer · 03/01/2019 08:25

I would be really assertive when contacting GP, and say you have concerns that must be relayed to one of the GP’s urgently
This time of year is a Peak time
For suicidal behaviour
Particularly for males
They should take your concerns very seriously

Original poster

NeedAQuietWord · 03/01/2019 08:25

It's really helping me to be able to talk about it here btw.

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Sleephead1 · 03/01/2019 08:25

I would speak to his family but so his doctor they can't discuss him with you but you can tell them your concerns they do t be able to tell you what they will do or the outcome but at least they will have the information. Also you can contact the police to get a welfare check and I'm.not sure about this one but could you contact your crisis team and see what they advice ?

Original poster

NeedAQuietWord · 03/01/2019 08:27

Luckily I'm pretty good at being assertive with GPs, I've been an HCP for 20 years, that's one thing I can do.

It's just so shit. I just want to divorce and move on, and I can't.

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Original poster

NeedAQuietWord · 03/01/2019 08:28

He's not under the mh /crisis team, just seeing the GP.

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FusionChefGeoff · 03/01/2019 08:37

This sounds exactly like my friend a few years ago.

His STBXW did the right thing and stepped back - if he continues to think you might get back with him, he will put all of his hope and recovery on that - then he will never deal with the route causes of his depression / alcohol abuse.

He needs a strong MH advocate who will carry him through this crisis and do whatever they can to make him engage with GP to sort meds' out, if he's still suicidal then his current drugs need either a) time to kick in properly I believe they generally say 2-3 weeks but willing to be corrected or b) new drugs.

You need to get his family (ideally) or friends to step into your role and I'd also suggest making someone else nok if they are willing.

He won't be able to move forward until he's more stable so finding someone willing to try to get him there is your priority.

But ultimately, it's his decision / responsibility which does limit what that someone else will be able to do.

I would also strongly recommend that he attends an AA meeting if at all possible, and you could look into Al Anon who support the families of those who abuse alcohol.

My heart goes out to you as it's a terrible situation but you must remember:

You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it

Original poster

NeedAQuietWord · 03/01/2019 08:42

He's got siblings he's quite close to, but he is a typical bloke with his friends, doesn't use them for support like we tend to iykwim.
I'm sure he wouldn't do AA he doesn't want to stop.

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Schmoozer · 03/01/2019 08:57

My understanding is that antidepressants are not particularly effective when someone is drinking alcohol
Alcohol is a depressant
Try to hand responsibly over to someone else - HCP or family
And prioritise sorting the kids out, so they are OK 👍

beanaseireann · 03/01/2019 19:44

*Schmoozer
"Would he be one of those dads that takes the children's life and then his own to spite you?"
*
This OP.
He could do this not to spite you, but with warped thinking that they'd be better off rather than in this ( to his mind ) awful world.
I would contact the GP as soon as possible.
And voice your concerns for the children firstly.
I watched an interview on our national news ( Ireland) where a father murdered his two young sons. He tried to kill himself but failed. His devasted wife was speaking out in the hope she could help prevent similar tragedies happening.

Original poster

NeedAQuietWord · 03/01/2019 20:35

I've spoken to his sibling today and booked gp for Monday (his own gp, phone consult) and sorted backup childcare for me in case.

Hopefully he'll go and stay with a relative for a few days

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MitziK · 04/01/2019 02:41

I might upset somebody on here, but it's well known for abuse and coercive control to take the form of threats of suicide.

I've been on the receiving end of a compete cock losing his mealticket an unhappy ex sending me messages at 3am saying he was parked at Beachy Head and wanted to say goodbye, voicemails saying he was about to go and drive into a motorway bridge and even turning up unannounced, producing a Stanley Blade and pretending he was about to cut his wrists.

He had no intention of doing anything but terrifying me into taking him back. Unfortunately for him, I knew by then that he'd done exactly the same to previous girlfriends and to be honest, by that point I didn't care if he did unless he was going to make a mess over my new laminate in the process.

I think the best course of action is to stop him having the children for their safety and disengage from being coerced into 'helping' him.

Original poster

NeedAQuietWord · 04/01/2019 06:03

He wasn't really the coercive control type tbh, but I know he's trying to manipulate me and I'm really fed up with it. OTOH I have to recognise there is a risk, because he is depressed and not coping.

It's so difficult to balance trying to safeguard the children with not caving in to it.

See I know that if I swoop in and stop contact on the basis of him being too unstable, he will interpret that as being my plan all along, he's always been very afraid of losing them. He won't see that there's not much alternative if he's threatening suicide while they are in his care.

I've offered to go to mediation or counselling (I know he would hate that really but it's to maintain the high ground more than anything) but he refused because he knows that reconciliation is not an option so he thinks it's pointless.

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