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ExH sounds suicidal

54 replies

NeedAQuietWord · 03/01/2019 07:40

I really need advice
ExH and I split a little over 6 months ago and he has not been coping well

He was diagnosed with depression a couple of days after the separation and is on an SSRI. He is probably undiagnosed ASD too like one of our children (child is diagnosed) we both agree on this.

Things are getting worse not better, he's barely sleepwalking through his life, not got any coping skills and is struggling to function as an independent adult. He's also still harassing me and is currently sending messages implying he's suicidal

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imip · 04/01/2019 06:20

Op, I’d definitely try to get whoever you can find to support him to get a diagnosis, or at least help, with ASD. This is probably the underlying issue that needs to be addressed. I have 2 dcs with ASD (girls, their profile ‘looks’ different and it was an endless battle to get diagnosis and support. Dh and I now look st our families and we have about 50% of ASD in the adults I suspect. We are littered with MH problems, but actually I think ASD underlies it all. We have adults who don’t work (put down to MH), make risky and unwise choices, live as virtual hermits. It’s so sad to see generations of our families impacted by this. I suspect acknowledging underlying ASD if you suspect it, would lead to more fit for purpose support.

NeedAQuietWord · 04/01/2019 06:29

The massive huge irony @imip is that the main reason split up is his persistent denial of our child's asd. He virtually accused me of munchausens and refused to allow assessment until I forced him to and decided I had to override his wishes for the child's best interests.

It is only in the last few months that he has acknowledged the diagnosis and realised that he too has a lot of traits and perhaps this is partly why he couldn't see it. It is obvious to me (and others) especially after discussing his inability to communicate and interact with others in an appropriate way.

I think his depression is very tied up with his lack of copings skills.

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NeedAQuietWord · 04/01/2019 06:32

However he is constantly reframing his actions, behaviours, choices as 'symptoms' of his depression when actually most of them were simply the behaviours and actions of a very self centred and blinkered man who cannot see what is going on around him.

On reflection a lot of it probably is the (likely) ASD. Regardless, I still can't live with him or like that any more it has been like a weight off my shoulders since he moved out.

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PersonaNonGarter · 04/01/2019 06:46

Part of the break up is that you stop becoming so involved in his life and start to build yours. I appreciate that this is easier said than done but you need to put in some boundaries and demonstrate that an assumed intamacy between the two of you no longer exists.

Contact his family/sibling and say you cannot be responsible for his mental health. Don’t you contact his GP - tell them to do it.

Then tell exH that you have spoken to his parents/sibling. You are all worried about him but it isn’t appropriate for you to be dealing with it. You will he forwarding any messages that contain anything alarming to the parents/siblings for them to react to. Also explain that this will give you other people to discuss the DCs needs with as they come first.

NeedAQuietWord · 04/01/2019 06:51

I have built mine, gone FT at work and taken promotion, we're mostly sorting contact amicably, I have friends who I can chat to, and I've recently started seeing someone but it's new and early days.

He isn't working, doesn't have a close friend (he still expects me to be his best friend) and is struggling with living alone after being supported by me for a long time with practical stuff like taxing vehicles, shopping, laundry etc.

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NeedAQuietWord · 04/01/2019 06:53

I am trying very hard to be less involved in his life but he's clinging on.
All I want is him to have the children regularly and be an adequate dad. Nothing more.

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imip · 04/01/2019 07:25

I def think you’ve been the one facilitating his independence, and as you probably know as a parent of a child with ASD, you do do much supporting. I can absolutely see why you need out from the relationship. Having seen this play intergenerationally, I really see the need for proper adult autism services - from what I’ve seen it certainly accounts for a lot of substance abuse and money spent in MH support that probably isn’t being spent properly. Flowers I can imagine it has been very hard.

PersonaNonGarter · 04/01/2019 07:26

Congratulations, you have done so well. No wonder he is looking to you for strength.

It sounds as though his family will need to take the strain. Can you be direct with them and say you will be forwarding the messages?

NeedAQuietWord · 04/01/2019 07:30

Thank you so much @imip that's made me well up.

It's been really shitty for years. I'm not doing it any more, I can't.

I've made contact with his family, in the spirit of handing his wellbeing over to them iykwim, but he's still being v stubborn.

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NeedAQuietWord · 06/01/2019 09:27

Well he seemed the same as ever yesterday, but still sending me nasty messages at nights. He's refused to speak to his sibling as he says he doesn't trust anyone not to betray him. So still quite paranoid imho.

GP phone call is tomorrow, I know it might not be very productive but as least I'll have done what I can.

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NeedAQuietWord · 07/01/2019 07:51

OK I have made a few bullet points of my concerns for when the GP phones later today, any feedback would be appreciated

° suicidal ideation, has referenced a specific method of suicide and talked repeatedly about how the children will be ok because of his pension fund
°disassociation - he says he feels like he's pretending /sleepwalking through life
° Paranoia, won't speak to anyone except me and says he doesn't trust anyone not to betray him
°massive mood swings, one day being very complimentary, next day sending hostile abusive messages about how he's been used and is now broken
°he believes he has asd and as such counselling won't help him
°continues to refuse to acknowledge that marriage has ended eg still bringing gifts/flowers weekly and 'Wife ' Christmas card

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imip · 07/01/2019 08:06

Good plan. Seriously think he has ASD, has he worked in the past? Let us know how you get on x

imip · 07/01/2019 08:07

I’d probably headline the ASD actually, otherwise any support/conversations had may not actually help.

NeedAQuietWord · 07/01/2019 09:18

Well the gp caught me unawares, just phoned now, he must have had a cancellation.

I used my notes and mentioned most of it including the possible ASD though.

I think he did take it on board, he rang me back a second time just after to clarify something.

At least I've done what I can now.

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NeedAQuietWord · 07/01/2019 09:20

Yy he worked until we split up. Then went off sick and immediately retired, not worked since.
GP is going to write to him to invite him to attend for a review. I explained that I understood the confidentiality thing and it would be a one way transfer of information and he was fine with it. I said I was fine with him letting ex know I'd been in touch if he had to.

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MitziK · 07/01/2019 21:33

You might not like this thought, but have you considered that by allowing yourself to be involved to this level, you're actually behaving as though you are still his wife?

He won't ever be able to comprehend or accept it's over when you're doing everything a wife/somebody who will eventually take him back would do - like sorting out tax, shopping, laundry, for example. (and having him in your house each week/engaging in messaging in between, etc). Every engagement is telling him that you're still interested/care/could be persuaded to change your mind. Including when he hears that you've been in touch with his GP about his welfare - it'll just confirm to him that you care and that means he just has to carry on and you'll take him back.

Maybe it's time to be brutal? Not respond to any messages, not open the door to him, not give him help with anything at all. Because you aren't with him anymore. Because he was abusive and accused you of being criminally abusive to your child to the extent that a) they didn't get the assessment they needed and b) could have seen the child taken into care or at the very least, the subject of a Social Services investigation.

As it is, he's obviously a potential risk to the child in such an unstable mental state and issuing threats, so there's nothing to be gained for the child from being subjected to somebody like that, especially when they've done the things you describe.

He is not your problem. You aren't together. If he actually means to kill himself, he'll do it whatever you say - but it sounds more like he is using it as a way of keeping you, especially as he's making excuses not to do anything about it.

I've heard so many different methods of suicide described by an absolute leech - incredibly specific in method. Lots of messages and voicemails sent in the dead of night saying he was just about to do x and was saying goodbye. I witnessed him engineer a situation where he could pretend to attempt suicide in front of me, convinced I'd take him back to the extent that he'd loaded up his car, brought his stuff over and told his Mum he wasn't coming back (which considering I'd never let him move in in the first place when we were together, was one hell of a leap).

He finally got the idea at that point, because whilst ejecting him from the premises, I told him how to do it properly and that he wasn't going to do it over my new laminate.

OK, I then had another six months of 'we should meet for closure', 'how are you', cryptic messages that hinted that something awful had happened to a family member, but eventually it tailed off into a yearly thing and just before I got a new phone that allowed me to block the twat's number at last, there was a 'Happy New Year Darling, how would you like to meet up for coffee today? I'm parked outside your house right now and I can see you're awake' message left at 3am.

Seven years later, he's still very much alive. Because he had no intention of ever killing himself, it was all lies to try and coerce me into taking him back because he 'couldn't live without' me his intended mealticket

NeedAQuietWord · 07/01/2019 21:47

Well that's where its tricky, I'm not doing that stuff for him any more but I've had to spell it out. He is starting to do it himself at last.

And to be honest, I do need the childcare, his contact allows me to continue working.
Legally at least I am his NOK/wife and I can't watch him drown, the children need their dad.

I've known him for 16/17 years and we were together for a long time. I don't want him anywhere near me, ideally. But I don't want him dead. So I'm trying to do the best I can. But also trying to remember that I should lower my expectations, I know he's a useless twat and I shouldn't expect that to have changed.

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HermioneWeasley · 07/01/2019 21:51

It’s possible that’s he’s depressed AND and abusive, controlling bastard

You cannot take this responsibility on yourself. You’ve told his GP, it is their responsibility now.

Obviously it would be traumatic for your kids if he kills himself, but you can’t stop him, it is on him.

imip · 07/01/2019 22:04

I think it’s right to move slowly op, as you have been doing. If you’re right and it’s ASD, sudden change could destroy the good aspects of parenting going forward (eg the childcare, being a good Dad). Let GP and family take control now slowly. It sounds like you’re doing the right things...

MitziK · 07/01/2019 22:17

Going to be harsh again. Would starting divorce proceedings/saying you'd give any money that came from his suicide to the cat's home because you wouldn't accept Blood Money focus his mind/take away his so called reasoning?

If he thinks the money won't go to the children (even if it's not true) and you tell him that you are no longer his next of kin and will not accept any contacts from hospitals in the event of his admission (as it isn't compulsory to make decisions even if named as NOK), perhaps that could concentrate his mind/make it pointless to threaten suicide?

I'd also get the kids into childcare away from somebody who is threatening to kill themselves - if they were serious, well, we've all heard about the parents who murder their children and kill themselves to cause maximum pain and escape any responsibility for their acts. And if they're not serious and are deliberately trying to use normal human emotions to coerce somebody into staying with them/married to them, perhaps the prospect of being refused contact would be enough to get them to grow the fuck up.

NeedAQuietWord · 07/01/2019 22:40

Tbh, he'd know that was bollocks, sorry.
At present he is still making plans and improvements to things that strongly suggest he's not planning to die anytime soon.

He's certainly not coping, he's depressed and manipulative, and a huge ballache.

If I withdrew contact with the children he would spiral down, he has persistently voiced a fear of that since day 1. I will do it if necessary, but it is the last resort and not needed just now.

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marieneedsaholiday · 15/01/2019 12:55

I am interested to hear how you are getting on. My partner is ASD and I need to get out, but I am certain this would be how he would act. I read his medical notes and know how he acted when his ex broke up. I'm so scared as the house isn't even mine and I would need to move out.

NeedAQuietWord · 15/01/2019 21:57

He's stonewalling pretty much at the moment, still seeing the children and has made plans etc for the future. Moping.

Seems quite flat. And still engaging in attention seeking behaviours like sending messages that he won't phone tonight because he doesn't feel up to it (when there was no arrangement for a phone call anyway)

It's still a difficult situation.

OTOH marie I found the fact he was so oblivious to what was going on made it easier to make plans and arrangements to ensure that it was doable, easier.

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marieneedsaholiday · 16/01/2019 08:46

I'm just trying to get my money in order and then find a house suitable for me and my kids to get out. I think I would have to do it whilst he was away, then tell him once he's back. I honestly don't think I can trust how he would react. His ex did him for harassment and then he went into hospital multiple times for failed suicide attempts. I've only found this out in the last few months from reading his medical notes, he doesn't know I know.

Sounds like he is letting go a bit now, which is good for you and hopefully you can move on with your life.

NeedAQuietWord · 16/01/2019 16:33

He's done the same a few months ago so I'm not complacent that he's improving tbh, it's just a lull.

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