Complex PTSD & we are all alone

[Tamodaleko]

My DP has complex PTSD - for over 1.5 years we have been living in an absolute hell.
I don't earn enough to pay for long stays at top trauma/recovery centres, our medical insurance doesn't cover pre existing mental health.

What we can afford turned out not to do the trick at all.
NHS failed us - the assigned social worker was unsympathetic, patronising and bullish. GP is no better.

I go to work as I am not in a permanent position so I don't get paid if I take any time off. I am the only bread winner.
I am not even sure that I can be a suitable career as I do not have tools & knowledge to support my DP 100% all the time.

We have been together for over 18 years. We came here over 25 years ago when we were in our early 20s. We do not have any family in this country.

People who know about our situation are professionals who are listening but they don't have a magic wand for the pain and suffering to go away.

DP has not left the house for over 1 year, occasional trips to the supermarket means driving our car in pyjamas and DP staying in the car whilst I do the shopping and load the trolley. DP hasn't wash her hair for only God knows how long and now has huge knots of matted hair.

Suicidal thoughts come and go and we live from day to day riding on a never ending roller-coster never knowing what the next curve will be - up, down or just plain straight sailing until the next drop.

DP has no desire to live and is not acting on impulses because of me.

I worry every evening when I return from work what I will find - an OK person, a sad person, a person who cannot wait to take sleeping pills because the day has been unbearable.

If I tell you what re-triggered the pre-existing PTSD - would you believe me that this was cause by actions of DP's parents who didnt show up when they were invited to spend 7 days with us in an apartment in Spain.
BTW they live 1 hour away from the place and also have a car - so transport was not a problem.
They know that their daughter has mental health issues since childhood and they haven't been in touch since that summer 2017.

For xmas we have plans to volunteer at a homeless shelter - i do hope DP will find strength to wash and dress so that we can go. But tonight that seems like an unrealistic plan.

Life is a really bitch sometimes - not sure how others in a similar situations are coping - I know that I am just about holding it together.

I know that I randomly wrote this post - never shared my story in this way - I actually never posted anything here.

I have complex ptsd caused by emotional neglect as a child and a very abusive relationship.
I very much sympathise, I spent many years just being alive but not actually living, everyday was a battle to get through and I never knew what mood I would be in. It all came to ahead late last year when I ended up detained in the mental health hospital for my own safety due to numerous overdose attempts in a matter of days I seriously didn't want to live with all the hurt and pain I had trapped inside.
Over last 12months I found ways to cope and start to enjoy life a little, but I found I became fixated on the abuse I suffered and it became a main focus of any conversation I had. To me it was my way of taking control if I could talk of it then I wouldn't feel the pain I did inside and I could see how others reacted to it (this was not healthy either!!)
I'm still on the waiting list for therapy but I see doctors every so months for check ups in between, I was put on medication which has seemed to help a lot because it helps me sleep and keeps me calmer during the days.
I would suggest taking your oh to the doctors and explain, it took 3 years of me living in a whirlwind before I was taken seriously but all it takes is the right doctor to listen!
Is there anything oh likes that you could encourage her to get involved in and focus on?
I really do hope you can find her the help she needs

Thanks for your post - apart from watching series to pass time there is no much interest in anything else at the moment