I came on this thread last night looking for info to try and support someone else but have been quite shocked by what I have read and think more of it applies to me than I had realised.
I suffer with depression - long term 20 years - following Post Traumatic STress Disorder diagnosed after incident in workplace where I was on long term sick for over a year before resigning.
I have more or less managed my symptoms which manifest as getting overly tired, irritable, snappy, feeling overwhelmed and needing to take myself off to bed - with the help of AD,s and a supportive Gp.
I had been “fortunate enough” during my marriage not to need to work and so was able to look after twins (now17) and maintain a pretty near perfect home and support my now x husband to build a successful business. I managed my symtoms by sleeping more or less every day for 1 - 2 hours so I could cope when kids came home from school etc and demands of evening routine pretty much singlehandedly as x’s Business was his priority.
My struggles since I found out my X was having an affair with an employee 4 years ago who he is now with, the extremely acrimonious divorce I have been through and still suffering financially and emotionally from, and the impact this has had on me and my kids is all documented on MN mostly in relationships.
I have been slated for not really having depression despite being under MH during the last 4 years, mainly because people do not get the sleep thing - I have been called lazy and many a time told to get a job - this was even part of my settlement being told I was capable of resuming fulltime employment earning circa £20k to tie in with when my kids reach 18 ( May 2019) and all financial support will stop.
Bippity your description on here rings true with me - you are the first person I have come across who seems to suffer as I do and knows her limits - thank you for being so honest and open.
Infact most people did not know I had a MH issues - even family- because when I was not good I kept myself behind closed doors. Even my X did not understand - the odd time he had to give kids tea etc he thought I was punishing him! So most people only saw me when I was functioning. Infact I don’t think my kids were really effected by any of this until my marriage ended but during the last 4 years they have seen me at my worst going through a living hell barely able to function and under MH twice for support. The long term impact on them scares me!
The process of divorce led me to the conclusion that my marriage was emotionally and financially abusive - this was pretty difficult to get my head round - I was then subsequently emotionally and financially taken advantage of by my solicitors and have been pretty much trying to manage since my final hearing which left me financially and emotionally distraught. My story is all documented on MN.
The bit that has struck me the most on here is the spending habits. I have always had an issue with this but had thought it was down to circumstances at the time I ie early 20’s own home couple of lodgers but really out of my depth financially and probably under more stress than I realised.
Married to someone who liked the finer things in life - my spending was low key - stuff for house for kids but caused difficulties - all my credit cards were cut up and I was given a monthly budget. But there were lots of arguments prior to this because the X would spend impulsively on something pretty high end and find justification for doing so - normally work related. But I got blamed!
Roll on to divorce and I can see how this continued - x claiming there was no money as his company was going down the pan but still spending as though there were no tomorrow all on credit cards inning up huge debts that were repaid out of the house equity ( forced sale). This was all lies but my solicitors did not believe me and eventually dumped me at a critical point in the process!
Currently I am unable to tell where I am on that scale - this is the first time I have seen this - but I think my mood may be masked by the fact that I have had back surgery 2 months ago and have limited mobility and cannot carry out most daily activities.
My house is like a jumble sale - I have stuff all over the place from emptying out loft and acquiring stuff from parents move. I have also taken to buying bits of old furniture to repaint which now occupy a room. I have not done Christmas anywhere near to previous years - Infact the last four years have deteriated year on year to this year where I have not made anything, put up one tree where previously had 3 and still have random stuff everywhere. I have put this down to nit being able to lift anything kids being pretty full on with own part time jobs, revision and not really giving a f&&k!
I think I may actually be in denial from reading this and could be heading for a major fall or everything I am doing is justifiable and I am ok - except I won’t know until I get there - does this make sense?
I am currently renting the former family home which was hopefully to August until kids get through a levels. I need to buy somewhere but can only afford to do so 200 miles away! I haven’t got enough money to do both - I have emailed x asking for help or saying kids will have to live with him fulltime from Feb! I paid Ds school fees due to x claiming inaffordable and Ds being suicidal at the thought of leaving his school even though I had wanted them to come out of private system which I was prevented from doing By x taking me to court.
The kids are aware of this situation but actually I think we are all in denial and I am living off a prayer. X could quite easily help out I have the proof now that it was all lies he told through the divorce process!
I Have said from the start he has been out to destroy me emotionally and financially to justify his own behaviour and looking at that chart I can see he fits into this - probably more so than me - luxurious holidays on a credit card to keep up with the jones or some ideal in his head he needed to be at!
Back to me and my spending - this furniture I’m buying - I can justify it all I can se3 where it will fit into a new house - the furniture I currently have will be sold as it is all too big but I also have duplicate items the idea to paint and sell - whether I will get round to this I don’t know - and this is where I’m questioning myself and wondering if this is a symptom of the stress I’m under - spending today to make more money tomorrow but it may all capsize before then!
In the past something has always come up - I got breast cancer just as X left and had an insurance payout - without this I would have gone under a long time ago!
The reason for the move 200 miles away is because I don’t think I’m capable of holding down a fulltime job and so the plan was to have some money to live off - this isn’t going to be the case unless I win the lottery or get lucky elsewhere!
My sleep is up the shoot hence why I’m on here - don’t think I e slept properly since x reported me to police for harassing him - this shows how much spite he has towards me!
I guess I’m worried about myself - I have been crying a lot - I think with good reason - but Im not really sure if it is - I know the brain can trick itself at times of despair and it’s only afterwards you think WTF? The kids question what I’m doing - oh I forgot to mention chairs - I have been buying up old chairs but I’m also learning to upholster!
But just as the marriage broke down I signed up for a counselling course thinking fuck I need to get a job - and this is something I was interested in - but I never completed it - it was put on hold because I was under too much stress but I paid for 3 years just in case - I do a lot of just incase!
Currently I’m just trying to get through Xmas and reassess then but writing this down I think I need to go back to my Gp. My circumstance s are on other posts - someone has told Me I need to get social services and the kids school involved to get their father to act.
The school have been aware of ongoing difficulties and Ss were contacted previously by my MH nurse who had a concern over something I told her. In amongst all this I’ve been trying to buy a house for 7 months which culminated in the seller refusing to sell to me - long story, but I’m buying another?
I THINK I may be losing my mind - I shouldn’t be having to do what I’m doing - it feels wholly alien to me - but I’m trying to think of the present and the future and I’m 6 months adrift. I fear if I start crying now I may not be able to stop!
I may not be back to this today - I have to do Christmas for my kids and I also have to deal with the person that prompted me looking here in the first place - thankyou for reading
Do I sound rational because I think I do but I also know I’m pretty close to the edge - I’ve joked about ending up at the funny farm - no disrespect intended here - it’s just what I call it - my DM was sectioned!