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Original poster

Don't know why I'm posting on here... I don't know what else to do

101 replies

cantdothisanymore · 22/06/2007 21:43

Need to keep busy.

Have lost my mind.

OP posts:
Original poster
cantdothisanymore · 22/06/2007 22:19

Ex has the same rights I do. I could go and take DS back. But then ex would take him back again and it's not fair on DS.

I miss him.

The drs did talk about this being PND. But I don't know. I am being treated it just isn't helping. Or maybe it is and this is a blip. I don't know. I just don't feel like fighting any more. I don;t want my life to be like this.

OP posts:
Original poster
cantdothisanymore · 22/06/2007 22:21

Yes Xenia. That's it.

OP posts:
divastrop · 22/06/2007 22:22

im not surprised you are feeling this way if your ds was taken from you like that.

does your x have legal custody?

dont apologise or feel bad,i know you feel like you are burdening others with your problems,and at this moment in time probably feel you are not worth it,but as dior said,there are others on here who have felt the same.we understand,and i know it will help you to keep talking on here.

Original poster
cantdothisanymore · 22/06/2007 22:25

No-one has legal custody atm. If I fought I wouldn't get it anyway. Apparently suicidal women kill their children and I'm too big a risk. That's what the judge said. I never ever hurt DS. He means the world to me.

OP posts:
Dior · 22/06/2007 22:25

Message withdrawn

lissie · 22/06/2007 22:25

unfortunately recovery has many blips, i know it doesnt feel like it at the moment but you will feel better eventually. in a way the fact that you realise how bad you feel at the moment may mean that you were/are starting to pick up. if that makes sense...

Original poster
cantdothisanymore · 22/06/2007 22:27

Sorry, I shouldn't be posting like this. I am such a mess. I feel so angry at myself for letting things get like this, for not ending it all last time when I had a chance, for leaving DS, for not being the mother I wanted to be. I tried to get help though. I really did. I didn't want things to be like this.

OP posts:
divastrop · 22/06/2007 22:27

when i have felt like that the only thing that keeps me going is knowing my children need me(even though at times i have thought they'd be better off without me.i can usually talk myself out of it,or post on here and be talked out of it).

you can get your ds back.you can get legal advice when you feel better,and make sure you get your ds back and keep him.if you have never harmed him,and no proffesionals think you are at risk of harming him,then there is no reason why he shouldnt be with you.

Dior · 22/06/2007 22:29

Message withdrawn

lissie · 22/06/2007 22:30

this has not happened because of you, or anything you have done. you dont become ill thru choice. think of your son and the life that you will have with him

Dior · 22/06/2007 22:33

Message withdrawn

Original poster
cantdothisanymore · 22/06/2007 22:34

I won't ever get him back though

Dior, I nearly left him at A&E a few months ago when I was feeling really bad.

And now, I know he is well cared for and content. But I want him back purely for selfish reasons. There is no reason for him to come back to me.

OP posts:
divastrop · 22/06/2007 22:34

i posted on here a few days ago (dior posted some very supportive replies)feeling like there was no point anymore.i have only just turned the corner today(my ad dose was upped 4 weeks ago and i thought it wasnt working),and yes,i still feel like shit,nothing in my life has changed.i just dont want to be dead anymore,i want to sort things out and get my life back.you will feel like that again,trust me.

Original poster
cantdothisanymore · 22/06/2007 22:34

I am meant to call my therapist - we have a crisis plan. But, if I call her, she'll send an ambulance. I can't go to hospital.

OP posts:
divastrop · 22/06/2007 22:36

wanting your child to be with you because you are his mother is not selfish.its totally natural.you love him,and he loves you.that isnt selfish.

Dior · 22/06/2007 22:36

Message withdrawn

divastrop · 22/06/2007 22:36

are you sure she will do that?would she not just talk you through it?

Original poster
cantdothisanymore · 22/06/2007 22:36

Thank you diva -I know I have felt like that - even four or days ago, my life was just the way it is today yet I didn't want to die. So I know I don't always feel like this. I just don't want it to keep happening. If i knew this was the last time I'd feel this way, it'd be bearable. BUt I don't know that it won;t happen every 6 weeks. And I can;t live like that.

OP posts:
divastrop · 22/06/2007 22:38

i was offered a 'rest' in hospital when i was at my worst after dd1,and i think i would have gone if it hadnt meant leaving my dc with my violent ex.

Original poster
cantdothisanymore · 22/06/2007 22:40

If I go back to hospital it will just reinforce to everyone else that I am crap and can't cope with life. Which is true. It will prove to my ex and the judge that DS is where he should be - that he should stay there.

Last time I wanted to be in hospital. I needed someone to take care of me and to be away from my ;life for a while. This time I have too much to lose. If I do anything it has to be final. And I don't want to have to go there.

The hospital is a horrible horrible place. I don;t want to go back there.

I sat in my therapy session yesterday writing out my funeral plans.

OP posts:
Original poster
cantdothisanymore · 22/06/2007 22:42

Well, if nothing else, this made me smile.

OP posts:
divastrop · 22/06/2007 22:43

if you go to hospital then it might make the process of getting your ds back a little longer,but would be worth it in the long run.

if you ended it all,your little ds would never see his mummy again.

please,call your therapist.

Dior · 22/06/2007 22:44

Message withdrawn

lissie · 22/06/2007 22:44

but think how that would impact on your ds. please.
your son wants to be with you and you should give him that choice. i know its hard and its not fair that you feel like this, but things WILL get better, and step by step you'll cross a line and the world will get its colour back.

divastrop · 22/06/2007 22:44

or....carry on reading funny threads!!!take your mind off it till it passes.