My family is falling apart and I can't hold them together any more

[naswm]

dh starts treatment (biological chemotherapy) for advanced stage liver failure/cirrhosis, on Friday.

dm is having an mri scan of her gallbladder that day, in advance of her op to remove it.

At some point soon DS1 has to have an op to insert a 'balloon' into the stricture in his bowel.

I am have a psychiatric assesment, also on Friday, to see if I am suitable for intese therapy at the Maudsley Hospital.

I am such a mess atm I can't do this any more. I feel worse than I have done for a very long while. I drink too much and I self harm. But, the horrible thing, is that because of the medication I am now on, I am 'functioning' normally but am also having to cope with the horrible emotions/thoughts/behaviours at the same time. It's frightening.

I am not looking for sympathy. But, it would be nice to know there is an empathetic ear out there somewhere.

naswm
x

(I decided it was time to go back to my old mn name. I feel it suits me most now. I liked losty, and tulips too, but naswm is definitely how I feel now)

naswm - you know there is nothing I can say to make it right for you, though God knows I wish I could. I say tulips the other day and thought it was you....have missed you.

I've been hiding quite a lot gibbon, sorry. But I am really forcing myself not to do that any more, although I really want to. I need company more than ever atm. x

Im soory to hear this hopefuly your thoughts will return to normall after your therapy! do your family or rl ppl know how you feel?

blimey naswm you've got a lot on your plate. I know exactly what you mean about "functioning" - it's a very descriptive word. I had a small bout of depression a few years ago and - with the ads - that's how I was. so empty and robotic. You need a plan. You need to see your way through the current difficult times. difficult to make a plan when much of what's going on is, presumably, nhs-dependent - difficult to know where you are with timings etc. but how about starting off by setting yourself small weekly tasks. things you can achieve, then tick off at the end of the week to start building some confidence/purpose/direction. it might just be getting your ds to a hospital appointment; sitting with ds (not sure how old he is) and making your dm a card; going for a walk; cooking your/ds's/dh's favourite meal. it doesn;t really matter what - I think what matters is buying yourself a nice notebook and keeping it on your bedside table so that you can jot these things down and tick them off. you can use it to write down how you feel. this might not be for you and it might be the thing that can start off a train of positive thinking. don;t be harsh on yourself though! keep it simple.

naswm - thinking of you x

I knew you needed space, was worried about you too.

You are really going through it petal, no wonder you are finding it hard to cope.

hat - what a nice post, thank you. I do a lot of writing, although most of it is on the pc nowadays. But I do keep a diary of lists and important things, and I always have it with me. In it is my 'to do' list, eg today it reads sort dh's butterfly needles (can't use normal syringes because he has haemophillia and he bleeds too much) and the GP wont prescribe them (too expensive) so I am trying to get them from the specialist nurse. It also says write DS1's party invites and go to sains for fruit and bread!

thansk pavlov x

gibbon - thanks. I switch from needing space to needing someone to talk to in an instant. I don't know what to do for the best most of the time..,.

Sweetheart...have been so worried about you,havn't been on much myself though.
Am here if you want to talk my lovely xxxxx
Big (((hugs))))

thanks lullaby - that is v kind. you ok?? {{{}}}

hello lully petal

nas - the therapy should help a great deal - mine did, made all the difference.

gibbon - I have been in tehrapy for 18 months now already. But the assessment on Friday is to see if I 'qualify' for more indepth treatment. (I saw one of my therapists - cbt - this morning, and that is having no effect on me whatsoever, although, she is v good and helping me into a relaxed, trancelike state)

didn't realise petal, hopefully the intense sessions will be better.

honey. you know where i am , you only have to ask for a shoulder, and i will be there

have not been here much last few days as been working.....

but i think of you

and your strength and determination , i wish you would recognise it in yourself

thanks lulu - I saw you had another baby - well done. I have to say that doulaing (is that the noun?) must be wonderful. aAl the joys and excitement of a new baby, without the stres and worry that follows! I dont like to nudge people on msn too much - there can be nothing worse than a drunken, suicidal internet pal going on and on and on and on. At least on mn people can choose not to respond without appearing rude!

Sorry to hear you are going through so much, naswm. I think most of us would feel pretty low dealing with all that.

I hope you get the therapy to help you through this.

Sorry I have been so out of touch. I was off line for weeks following my house move & now have a new PC, which I haven't yet got MSN on.

Don't feel I can say much that is of much help to you right now, but I am thinking of you.x

yes lovely I'm ok

Hi Gibbon..mwaaah

my lovely..if i am on MSN , you nudge all you want !!

I have thought of you too pc and all that you have been dealing with in recent months - nudge me when you get your msn back on and we can have a natter. Is pinkbubbles well now? x

naswm, I'm so sorry you have all this to deal with. I know you feel weak and useless, but think of it the way I look at you, what a strong and capable woman dealing with so much! Accept any offers of help from friends. Do not care about housework etc. Ride the storm and when you come out the other side look forward to a better future xx

thanks anorak - I know I am outwardly strong, but inwardly I am not. If you could see the state of my house you would know I dont care about hosuework anymore. And I am making the most of the help I have. Trouble is, that in itself doesnt take away the pain.....

No of course it doesn't. But it helps you get through the day until you reach a place where you can deal with the pain.

I know I've felt many times in my life that I'd love to crack up, so that someone would put me into one of those nursing homes you see on TV and I could sit in an armchair in a huge bay window overlooking gardens and just stare out all day...

But it isn't like that really, is it? It's us mums, trying to keep it together for our loved ones. And you're doing just that. Not as well as you'd like to, but remarkably well under the circumstances. That makes you a strong woman in my book. No question.

As soon as I get MSN sorted I will give you a nudge, naswm. I am really missing it, especially now I'm on my own of an evening, but I need someone technical around to set it all up for me!

poor bubble is back in hospital today following complications after a simple op on her bladder. I had her girls for her from 6.30 am this morning, while she went back to hospital. I hope they get her sorted this time as she is getting very fed up with it all.

Anyway, just you take care of yourself won't you.x

oh no, sorry to hear that about bubble. Will you give her my love? (I am due to be down your way in the summer, so perhaps the three of us can do coffee on the pier?)

thanks anorak

That sounds good! Let us know when you are coming this way & we will definitely try to arrange a meet up!

Of course I will send bubble your love. She hasn't been online for ages because she has felt too run down with one thing & another, but I will tell her you were asking after her.

Hope all goes ok for your DH, DS & your mum. It seems unfair that it is all happening at once.

Take care.