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Mental health

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Original poster

My family is falling apart and I can't hold them together any more

74 replies

naswm · 20/06/2007 12:24

dh starts treatment (biological chemotherapy) for advanced stage liver failure/cirrhosis, on Friday.

dm is having an mri scan of her gallbladder that day, in advance of her op to remove it.

At some point soon DS1 has to have an op to insert a 'balloon' into the stricture in his bowel.

I am have a psychiatric assesment, also on Friday, to see if I am suitable for intese therapy at the Maudsley Hospital.

I am such a mess atm I can't do this any more. I feel worse than I have done for a very long while. I drink too much and I self harm. But, the horrible thing, is that because of the medication I am now on, I am 'functioning' normally but am also having to cope with the horrible emotions/thoughts/behaviours at the same time. It's frightening.

I am not looking for sympathy. But, it would be nice to know there is an empathetic ear out there somewhere.

naswm
x

(I decided it was time to go back to my old mn name. I feel it suits me most now. I liked losty, and tulips too, but naswm is definitely how I feel now)

OP posts:

Original poster

naswm · 20/06/2007 16:53

I am so pi$$ed off this afternoon. I have spent ages on the phone trying to sort out dh's meds. Can't get hold of the right people, then the doc's sec had gone home so now it will have to wait until tomorrow. Bloody NHS Beaurocracy (I am allowed to say that having worked in the NHS I know only too well what a cr&p funding system there is). So now I have to try to sort it tomorrow. Except tomorrow is early closing which means getting it before 1pm. And then finding a pharmacist who can get hold of it all before the end of the day (he needs it first thing on Friday morning and because of my assessment I can't run around on the day.

I am so right now

OP posts:

Original poster

naswm · 20/06/2007 21:02

I'mn feeling crap this evneing - needs encoursaging words - anyone got any?

OP posts:

wrinklytum · 20/06/2007 21:07

Hugs xxxx

Original poster

naswm · 20/06/2007 21:07

thanks

OP posts:

Wotznotreallyhere · 20/06/2007 22:27

hope this gets better

so little losty have an extra here too.

Original poster

naswm · 20/06/2007 22:50

hugs awlasy welcome thanks

OP posts:

DutchOma · 21/06/2007 10:11

Got here via the Bible bashers thread and sit here with tears in my eyes, not knowing what to say, thinking of you today and tomorrow and praying that things will start to go your way.

Notquitegrownup · 21/06/2007 10:16

NASW - I saw your thread this morning, and remember you from a long while ago (I used to be 'Notquitesotiredmum'. I hadn't realised that you are Losty too!) I am so sorry to hear that things are soooo difficult for you at the moment and thinking of you.

I put your name on our prayer list this morning - apologies! I should have checked first that that is alright with you. Let me know if that is OK.

Thinking of you in the meantime, and sending you a big hug.

CaptainElliesDippyPA · 21/06/2007 11:31

Am here honey. (it's CaptainDippy from the Prayer Thread.) Care about you. xx

CaptainCaveman · 21/06/2007 13:27

Don't know what to say naswm, but can always be here to give virtual hugs and lend an ear to chew or listen, and a shoulder to lean or cry on.

Praying hard for you and your family.

Did you get dh's meds sorted?

hazygirl · 21/06/2007 16:14

i dont know you as i am newish on here but i send hugs and love to you, hope things get easier for you x

lulumama · 21/06/2007 16:15

big hug for Naswm

Original poster

naswm · 21/06/2007 17:39

Thank you for all your kind messages. I am quite overcome. I was worried about coming back on to mn today, as I made a fool of myself last night, but I am glad I did, to see these messages. Thank you.

I am not doing well today. I hate to spell it all out, but maybe it is enough just to say that I am v low mentally.

dh's treatment will not start tomorrow now, as planned. due to bloody NHS Bureaucracy the meds and administrative tools (syringes, etc) will not be available. The hospital trust and the primary care trust have been arguing who is funding it and it has now got too late to order in time for tomorrow. What really pi$$ed me off though was the specialist nurse who said to me on the phone 'dont worry I'll try to sort it for you' which was what I had been looking for. but she then said 'another week wont make much difference will it?' This is my dh's life we are talking about. On Monday it was all systems go for Friday. Now it can wait another week. I am very .

I have just called my dm and given her a pep talk for her scan tomorrow. Some that is one tick.

But I havent even thought about my assessment tomorrow.

Thank you for reading and thank you for your support. I am falling apart at the seams, but it is nice to know that there are people out there somewhere thinking of us.

I shall try to stay away from mn tonight. I know I will be drinking and I know that I would end up embarrassing myself, yet again, i I do.

naswm

OP posts:

DutchOma · 21/06/2007 17:53

Wghy not stay on the thread and make a fool of yourself (if you say so) rather than drink? We'd love to have you- stay on MN darling, we're all fond of fools aren't we girls?

NoodleStroodle · 21/06/2007 17:57

Oh yes - you've got lots on and you are dealing with too too much. You should be feeling a bit overwhelmed and low - there would be something wrong with you if you didn't - and I know that sounds flip but it is not meant too - it's just you are dealing with more than I can imagine and I think you are keeping it all together better than I would.

Stay here with us - there's always something amusing going on on here.

Wotznotreallyhere · 21/06/2007 18:06

i am not around much tonight, but I will be thinking of you, try and stay strong

Original poster

naswm · 21/06/2007 18:21

thanks everyone. I might need to put a video on and try to lose myself in that. I am so worried what I'll end up saying if I spend too much time on mn. I can't eat atm. Everytime I think about tomorrow my stomach turns over

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cantdothisanymore · 21/06/2007 18:58

This is in response to our communication on your other thread...

I didn't mean to imply that I felt you were deliberately not talking to me. I do the sae as you - I retreat and hide away from everything when things get too much, so I do understand. I know you will say what you need/ want to as and when you can.

I often feel as though I want totalk to people too but when I start, I just clam up. I can never find the words to explain how I feel and it always makes me feel uncomfortable. I worry that what I say will affect others and I don't want to burden anyone with my misery.

You have absolutley nothing to be ashamed of. You and I cope with problems differently to most other people. I think, for now, we have more than our fair share of things to worry about too. Life is tough. Too tough. It doesn't mean we should be ashamed. Yes, there are other ways of coping, probably better ones but, what matters is that you do cope. Or at least make it through another day. And, when things settle down, we can try to learn better ways of coping. But for now, what matters if getting through each day. Sometimes hour by hour.

And please don't ever think you are a bad influence on me. If I am in such a bad place that I can't listen or talk to you about 'stuff' I will let you know. But please, if you ever need to say anything, you know where I am. I worry about you because I care. I don't want you to be as unhappy as you are. No-one should have to feel like that. I wish I could help.

cantdothisanymore · 21/06/2007 19:00

Oh, I haven't read this thread so if what I wrote is totally inappropriate, I apologise, I just wanted to make sure you got this message. I'll read the thread in a min.

DutchOma · 21/06/2007 19:27

Are you on your own at home? What is it that terrifies you most about tomorrow. You do know, don't you that nothing you can say will shock us so that we don't want to talk to you any more? We are just here for you and would feel privileged if you would talk to us as a friend. What video have you got?

lulumama · 21/06/2007 19:29

of course we care, and we will still care and love you even if you get drunk and say stuff.....if you cannot let it out here, where else can you??

Original poster

naswm · 21/06/2007 20:06

thanks for posts.

cantdothisanymore (can you get a shorter name btw?) - you and I share a common bond. That is why we undertstand each other so well. but that is also why I dont want to trigger you. I care about you v much and dont want to hurt you.

I am on my own this efveing. I usually am. and I am getting drunk. I usually do.

I am v tearful and angry. about what I dont really know.

OP posts:

DutchOma · 21/06/2007 20:08

Is your dh in hospital?

Original poster

naswm · 21/06/2007 20:58

no - he is stull trying to wrok

I think I should sht up now. I am drunk and and in danger ofemabrrassing myuself

OP posts:

DutchOma · 21/06/2007 21:14

Love you lots. Got to go now, hope you feel better in the morning. As others have said nobody should have to put up with this much. Hope your appointment goes ok tomorrow. I'll be thinking of you

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