My family is falling apart and I can't hold them together any more

[naswm]

dh starts treatment (biological chemotherapy) for advanced stage liver failure/cirrhosis, on Friday.

dm is having an mri scan of her gallbladder that day, in advance of her op to remove it.

At some point soon DS1 has to have an op to insert a 'balloon' into the stricture in his bowel.

I am have a psychiatric assesment, also on Friday, to see if I am suitable for intese therapy at the Maudsley Hospital.

I am such a mess atm I can't do this any more. I feel worse than I have done for a very long while. I drink too much and I self harm. But, the horrible thing, is that because of the medication I am now on, I am 'functioning' normally but am also having to cope with the horrible emotions/thoughts/behaviours at the same time. It's frightening.

I am not looking for sympathy. But, it would be nice to know there is an empathetic ear out there somewhere.

naswm
x

(I decided it was time to go back to my old mn name. I feel it suits me most now. I liked losty, and tulips too, but naswm is definitely how I feel now)

thanks - I need to go now. Ealry start. I am so scared

wishing you all , all the best and that things will improve xxxx

come back to see how you are, please keep posting in the next few days, take care and thinking of you for tomorrow. Goodnight.

You're right - my name is far too long. Not sure what I should be for these posts - maybe just cdtam?

Anyway, please do not worry about hurting me. You won't trigger me. That is very sweet of you but you don't need to worry, honest. I just want you to get through this. I feel very hypocritical saying that as I know how desperately I don't want to this any more. I am sure you feel the same, so wishing you to get through it seems a bit unkind. But I think you know what I mean.

Something happened to me tonight & I suddenly feel a lot better (well, nothing actually happened, but there was a change in me. A sudden change). I am not convinced it is a good thing though. Usually I feel better when I have given up. You know what it is like...

Please let me/ us know how your assessment went. I know it won't be much fun but I really hope it helps.

Sending lots of positive vibes your way... B x

How did it go at the Maudsley NASWM?

Hello

Maudsley was hard work and pretty unsuccessful. I instantly took a dislike to the main pyschiatrist (despite trying so hard to want to get along with her) and we never developed a rapour at all. (She was one of the therpapists that just stares at you for minutes at a time without showing any facial expressions or uttering a single word. I was also cross that she didnt seem to have taken in any of the 6,000 word report which I had to complete before my visit. She expected me to remember things and thus bring them up. Consequently, the majority of the things that I believe have caused the problems I have were not even discussed.

So, all in all a very frustrating appt. At the end of it, I asked what happened next. She said she would need to think. Great. Yet more waiting. But she suspected that she would recommend some family therapy. Now whilst I agree that it would be good for the boys and my dh to have some sort of counselling (we have never had any for any of the medical issues we have come up against) I really feel that I need some personal treatment too. I told her that and she gave me one of those pathetic, let's take one step at a time, answers.

I have calmed down a lot since Friday. Friday afternoon/evening I was not in a good way (as Dumbledoresgirl would testify to - I love you DG, btw). But as the weekend has gone on I have begun to realise that maybe I was being selfish wanting some personal therapy before counselling for my family as a whole.

But, I cant get away from the fact, that despite all this, I still have horrible thoughts in my head, permenantlty and am beating myself up, literally, to cope with my day to day life. Something the Maudsley couldnt care less about.

I do feel let down by the NHS over all this. (I gave many years of very hard work to the NHS and am disappointed that it cannot give back to me the support I feel that I need.

Right, this post is far too long. Thank you for reading. And thank you for supporting me thus far. I had hoped to be able to come back on here and say that I was about to begin twice weekly pyschoanalytic therapy treatment. But alas, I have come away with nothing. (I still have to wait to find out if we qualify for family therapy).

yours in a pi$$ed off frame of mine
naswm
x

I'm so glad you have poste naswm, I've been worried about you.
Sorry the Maudsley was not more helpful, hope you hear soon. What with all the difficulties your family have to cope with it would be good if you could all have some help, but I can understand that you are disappointed that there is nothing for you just at the moment. I hope you will be able to go on talking on MN.
Thanks again for posting

sorry Dutchoma. I am feeling far less positive today. (understatement actually). In fact I am feeling very low. i woke up like it and cant shift it. I am learning to recognise my feelings now and this is full a blown depressive low - plus all the other 'stuff' on top. I am tearful, negative and cant be bothered to do anything. I am fighting urges to harm and more - and that is only because my ds is home.

What's the weather like where you are? It's been nice here and I got the washing dry thanks to dh who suggested putting it in the machine yesterday so we could hang it out at nine this morning.
Now all I have to do is iron it.
Keep talking sweetheart, and a hug

you are v kind - thanks

I am feeling dreadful atm. Lots of pent up anger bubbling under the surface.

aaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh

How old is your ds? What are you so cross about? Can you talk about it? I know so little about you, but would like to know

naswm i have just come across your post - our paths have crossed a few times and i have always thought you sounded like a lovely person. I am so sorry to hear that you are having such a torrid emotional time i wish there was something I could do to help you

Keep posting on here and if nothing else we can always just try to lift your spirits for the day ahead.

please take care of yourself

thank you

I am just so blooy with the world right now. I am very close to the edge

naswm you can always come on here at anytime and express your self no one who knows you will judge you. MN is a life line for people (me included) and there will always be someone you can chat too

any news on the family counselling?

where do you live naswm?

if you don't want to answer you don't have to

naswm, i think we have spoken before a few times on MSN. we have a few things in common.
please do give me a shout on MSN you were very supportive to me and i would like to be able to help.

thanks. I have just been on the school run and thought the fresh air might help me but I feel ten times worse. I just wish everyone around me would go away. Actually, I just wish I could disappear.

We're still here for you, just hold on

Can you manage to get in touch with onlyjoking on MSN?

Naswm. sorry i just have to go and pick DS up but i will be back and free to chat without my kids inturupting after 8 i will look out for you on MSN.
sounds like you are suffering from responsibility fatigue i recognise the symptoms

thanks OJ you have more than your fair share of problems to deal with!

I am still boiling but have managed to cook the boys a pizza for tea and they are eating that now. I just need to get through the next 2 hours until they are in bed.

My pyschiatrist that monitors my meds rang up just now, to change an appt. When we had rearranged it, he said quite flippantly ' how have you been doing?' So I told him. I said I I was feeling terrible and was really struggling and felt back at square one. Want to know waht he said? 'well I'll see you on the 2nd.

naswm is there any chance you could change pyschiatrist to someone that will actually help you?

I know you have plenty of people on here to talk to but if you need to talk outside MN i'd be more than happy to e-mail/msm if you need. don't know if i'd be any help but the offer is there for anytime

Sorry for disappearing naswm. I am here & I do care. I'm just really struggling right now. I know you are too

{{naswm}}

i have looked out for you on MSN but not seen you on, how are things?