Sometimes I feel I don’t really belong in the thread as my anxiety isn’t constant, nor that severe. And then I remember that it’s prevented me from going out and getting a job, getting a boyfriend (not done anything romantic, ever, not even a date or a kiss), and other things that ‘normal’ people find easy. Or else I read stories about people with bad mental health (worse than mine) who have boyfriends/girlfriends etc and I think “fuck I can’t even manage that”. I do compare myself to other people. It’s worse for me in some ways because my ASD and ADHD mean that I find many basic things difficult eg I have executive function issues. I don’t know what I want out of life. Ideally I’d like a job, boyfriend and kids... the job idea is less problematic since the internship. But the relationship and kids thing is more complicated. Would someone like/love me for who I am, what with my executive function problems and anxiety disorder and being prone to criticising myself? Would being a mother be a good idea - if I can barely keep myself organised would having one or more children make things worse?
That all sounds a bit depressing. I’ve got a pretty active imagination (I love writing stories) and I constantly have an “alternative life” going on in my head where I have a good job, lovely boyfriend/husband and adorable kids. Which is not, you know, impossible. But I’ve always liked things to be predictable, which is why I liked school as I had a set timetable and knew where I had to be when kind of thing. Reality isn’t really like that... when you’ve got a story running in your head you can control what happens!
Whew, that was long. I just wanted to let my inner feelings out a bit. Mostly, day to day, I’m fine, as I’m able to “forget” my problems. But when I have to confront them, eg talking to my mother, I find it difficult to deal with them in the moment.