Intrusive thoughts about hurting my baby help :(

[Elmo311]

Hi everyone,
So I've got a 3month old, and i recently found out I'm pregnant again, and we were preventing:( but have decided to try and keep the baby if everything goes ok as early days.
Anyway, on monday i had a normal day, didn't feel stressed and i was cleaning some bottles and i just really wanted to finish what i was doing and DS was crying. I went over to him and i had this thought about suffocating him. Instead i picked him up and cuddled him but it took ages for me to get the thought out of my head. I would never harm him, i love him so much and i live for his smile.
Why am i thinking like this?
I also told my partner and i can see he is different with me as he is worried about me hurting our son. We had another chat today and he said he knows i wouldn't but he was just shocked and needs to process. No ones more shocked than me!

I do tend to be a negative thinker and it would usually be before a period or something that i would feel down, but never had thoughts like this. And now because my partner is finding it hard to get over, so am i even though i know i wouldn't harm my baby.
I am reluctant to go to the doc as obviously i wouldn't wanna take any meds because of this pregnancy. I'm good at getting things off my chest and i felt better once i had told my other half, as if by saying it, it could leave my brain. But now he is dwelling on what i told him it is making me feel bad and think of it more. What can i do? Will it go away? I love my son so much

[Edited by MNHQ to remove identifying info]

Thank you @gilmoregal for sharing your experience with me, and i hope you feel better soon.
I think i will have to go see my GP x

Hi OP, sorry to hear that this has worried you so much.

Intrusive thoughts are totally normal. Most people only get them very infrequently (and probably forget they ever had them) because they dismiss them as just a thought and recognise that they wouldn’t act on them. However, they increase in frequency if you try to suppress them or attach meaning to them e.g “I’m a bad person for having this thought”, “I’m going crazy”, “I’m a danger to my baby” (none of which are true). This can become part of an anxiety cycle and lead to post natal anxiety/ depression or OCD, but not necessarily.

The article linked up-thread by INeedNewShoes is excellent. I suggest that both you and your husband read it, as it should reassure both of you.

To share my own experience, I have 3 children, all very well cared for and happy. Since becoming a parent I can recall having a handful of thoughts of harming them, including thoughts of dropping them down the stairs, smacking their heads into the wall or smothering them. They are more common in the fragile newborn stage, I think because you are preoccupied with the responsibility of caring for them and stopping bad things from happening to them, so your brain is looking for potential sources of harm (including you!) and danger scenarios.

In each case I was able to notice the thought for what it was and let go of it, so they never became a problem. It helps that I have read the research on intrusive thoughts and have knowledge/training in the area. I also practice mindfulness.

I suggest that you read the article above and talk it over with your partner. Also have a look at the other resources shared by previous posters on post natal depression and OCD, so that you can make an informed judgement about whether talking to your health visitor and or GP is required.

I suffered from postnatal OCD and crippling anxiety with both DC. I'm just coming out the other side of it with DS2.

Others have given you excellent advice here, but I'll add that I can recognise that, for me anyway, it has been a phase I've been though that is related directly to babyhood. I feel there is also a hormonal element, like the body acting on the brain to make a mother care for her baby.

I've also recently read this article: www.theparisreview.org/blog/2018/08/14/mothers-as-makers-of-death/

It really resonated with me, particularly this part: "No one had warned me that with a child comes death. Death slinks into your mind. It circles your growing body, and once your child has left it, death circles him too. It would be dangerous to turn your attentions away from your child—this is how the death presence makes you feel. The conversations I had with other new mothers stayed strictly within the bounds of the list: blankets, diapers, creams. Every conversation I had was the wrong conversation. No other mother congratulated me and then said: I’m overcome by the blackest of thoughts. You? This is why mothers don’t sleep, I thought to myself. This is why mothers don’t look away from their children. This is why, even with a broken heart, a mother will bring herself back to life."

So, you see, it is very common but you MUST talk to your HV and others in RL about this. Open yourself up to conversation and you'll find that the support and common understanding will be there xx

To be honest I think it's our brains way of reminding us how fragile they are. I used to keep hamsters as a hobby breeder and whenever I had a new litter after not having any for a while I used to think about just closing my hand and crushing them. I never ever would, I loved them and would never harm an animal. I concluded that it was just an instinct reminding me how easy it would be and to be gentle.

If you don’t want to see your gp about it, call you hv. Mine was an absolute diamond, she came round weekly to have a chat with me which really helped (the mh services for pnd weren’t interested in helping because I wasn’t suicidal!) and that extra support helped me so much, and stopped my ocd flaring up. I was too scared to talk to my dh, and a little ashamed I was having these thoughts - I didn’t know at the time it was normal!

Exercise is a great help too, even just getting out for a walk helps to soothe your mind.

I’m not saying you have ocd, and you may well not need cbt, but a little extra support could be a massive help to you. I’d show your dp this thread, so he can understand how it’s pretty common after you’ve had a baby and support you. Talking is really important!

Congratulations on your DS, and also for your pregnancy!

I used to think about just closing my hand and crushing them.

I had the urge to push my Nan's coffin off the stand at her funeral. Obviously it was the last thing I was going to do or wanted to do but humans are odd!

I've also had this, pre and post dc, and like PP I found reading about it helped. I felt better knowing it is a normal thing that happens to everyone. Many people have them when they are up high (google high place phenomenon).

I was surprised to find others have the exact same specific thoughts that I had that, even weird ones.

For example, this isn't upsetting like hurting your baby, but I have a recurring thought every time I write a card and seal the envelope, that I've written the wrong name or a rude message. It seemed so specific and weird, but apparently this exact intrusive thought is common.

It is a thought not an urge or desire, so there is no risk that you will do it. I think it's our mind warning us and making us aware of possible danger. Like by making you imagine it, you think "argh! well I definitely don't want that to happen, I'm going to be extra careful".

My friend had this and she went to the GP who referred her to get CBT.

She said the CBT really helped.

Our brains are weird!!
I am worried about going to my GP / HV / CBT etc as i honestly can't talk about it without crying! That's why is easier on here.

I've got to see my partners family tomorrow and i am dreading it, but once I'm there i am always ok! It's just that i know they look at my weight post baby ( I've lost it all- but they always make comments about how i look, they are compliments but i feel like i am being analysed) and they will want to hold him of course which i dread now but once i am there i hand him over happily.
It's just another stupid thing i worry about. :(
My partner has said that i don't have to go, but i think that's worse! Not being able to see my baby!

Do go and cry all over your HV! They've seen it all before and talking/crying through it will do you the world of good.

Also - if you don't want anyone else to hold your baby, just say that you'd rather not pass him around today. I used to hate the thought of having people pass my baby around, I'd make myself feel sick ahead of time worrying about asking them to wash their hands etc. When the time came, though, it was fine. I was brave and said "no" when I wanted to and "please wash your hands first" when I needed to.

' It's just another stupid thing i worry about.'

None of it is stupid. All of it is normal (was for me and clearly many others). It's a hugely emotional (and sleep deprived) period. Be kind to yourself in every way - including your thoughts.

Def go with to your in laws. Perhaps time-block it (ie day you'll all go for one hour). That way going will feel more bearable.

Gentle hugs to you.

Thank you. I wish i could go for one hour but they live 3 hours away and the OH wants to stay overnight :(

How was the visit? You'll be glad to be home I'm sure. Xx

I'm still here! Home tomorrow and can't wait! So many people holding him and kissing his hands! Arhhh! Xx

Aaaaagh indeed. Hold on in there. Soon be over. Thinking of you!

It's over yay!!!

I felt compelled to write on this post as I know exactly how you & many others on here feel! My boy is now 14 months but around month 3 I started getting intrusive thoughts and they absolutely terrified me. I believe and have read that something can trigger the OCD to start, I never had them before but seeing as I had such a traumatic birth mixed in with postnatal depression I can now see why it happened. Honestly, this is so common, especially if you feel overwhelmed with all the responsibility a newborn brings. It is easy to be so hard on yourself & automatically think you’re some sort of monster mother (which is what I did), but instead try to be kind to yourself and give yourself some compassion. After all, you are caring for this little baby all day every day and doing your best. For me the most important part of recovery is talking about these thoughts. If you can’t speak to your partner, then I would definitely advise speaking to your HV. I was fortunate in the way that my partner has had depression in the past and could relate so wasn’t as shocked as some may be. I did also tell my health visitor who came round once a week and honestly it was so helpful because I could off load everything to her and she made me see how common it is. CBT was also a godsend. Again, as a few others have said meditation and mindfulness is amazing, especially guided meditations on letting go. Lastly I would say it is v important to have some you time a couple of hours a week, doing something that you enjoy that brings you happiness.

I still get the odd thoughts yes, and I don’t know if they will ever truly go away. But now, a year on I can say that they don’t bother me like they used to. I don’t try to fight them, I let them come and go like a passing cloud. Something my therapist spoke me through which is really helpful. It can be a very scary & lonely place, that’s why it’s so important to talk. But when you come out of the other side it’s actually quite powerful, I feel proud of myself for getting through the hardest time of my life, even though it was supposed to be the best time.

Hope you’re feeling a bit better after all the feedback and please don’t hesitate to message me if you want to chat further! X

@Elmo311 just read entire thread & wanted to say how brave & strong you are. Well done & wish you all the best x

Aw thank you so much. I am feeling better the last few days and will refer myself for CBT :) xx

Hope you're feeling a bit less alone now and that things improve.

Surprisingly, since talking about it i haven't really had many bad thoughts- one's that i couldn't immediately throw away. Like yesterday when i was out with the baby in the pram i had this image of someone throwing acid on him?! But i passed it off and didn't think about it again until typing this.
I haven't had any thoughts about me doing anything to him which is good, but i am trying not to let those thoughts in.
Just waiting on my CBT referral.
Thank you for caring about me x

Its so so good to talk about. These anxieties are really about you protecting baby from any harm.

People that do it, wouldnt get such thoughts I imagine. They would just do it.

I remember going to the G.P years ago. I said I felt awful and he said you wouldnt be able to sit here and clearly and calmly tell me how you were feeling, if you were really ill. You wouldnt know, you wouldnt have this control.

That was 25 years ago, but I got what he meant.

This will pass

Read this and show it to your partner too www.todaysparent.com/baby/postpartum-care/why-new-moms-have-scary-thoughts-about-their-babies/

That's really good, OP. Sounds like having aired your concerns might have helped (and offered reassurance as it seems that so many of us have expended the same thing - and it children are still well and happy!

When we become parents (particularly mothers as we are usually the main carer of our child), we realise how vulnerable our tiny baby is and the huge responsibility of protecting and providing for them is frightening and such a shock. This feeling doesn't last.