Intrusive thoughts about hurting my baby help :(

[Elmo311]

Hi everyone,
So I've got a 3month old, and i recently found out I'm pregnant again, and we were preventing:( but have decided to try and keep the baby if everything goes ok as early days.
Anyway, on monday i had a normal day, didn't feel stressed and i was cleaning some bottles and i just really wanted to finish what i was doing and DS was crying. I went over to him and i had this thought about suffocating him. Instead i picked him up and cuddled him but it took ages for me to get the thought out of my head. I would never harm him, i love him so much and i live for his smile.
Why am i thinking like this?
I also told my partner and i can see he is different with me as he is worried about me hurting our son. We had another chat today and he said he knows i wouldn't but he was just shocked and needs to process. No ones more shocked than me!

I do tend to be a negative thinker and it would usually be before a period or something that i would feel down, but never had thoughts like this. And now because my partner is finding it hard to get over, so am i even though i know i wouldn't harm my baby.
I am reluctant to go to the doc as obviously i wouldn't wanna take any meds because of this pregnancy. I'm good at getting things off my chest and i felt better once i had told my other half, as if by saying it, it could leave my brain. But now he is dwelling on what i told him it is making me feel bad and think of it more. What can i do? Will it go away? I love my son so much

[Edited by MNHQ to remove identifying info]

Do go to the GP. This kind of thing is so, so normal but it is also very treatable with CBT - a particular kind of counselling. The GP won't be shocked and won't make you take anti depressants.

Go get help..take care.

I think anxiety is at the root of it, op. I remember when I had first passed my driving test, I often had intrusive thoughts along the lines of 'I wonder what would happenl if I swerved into the path of this oncoming lorry'. I think it was due to me being quite anxious about driving, early on, and not really wanting to be behind the wheel. Although I would never actually have deliberately swerved, of course! I did confide in my b/f, when I was driving him once. Think he found it slightly worrying, but he became my dh, so must have given me the benefit of the doubt!

You're probably feeling anxious about coping with having another child so soon after your first. The feeling that life would be easier with only one child is manifesting itself in this thought, but it doesn't mean you would ever do anything to harm your children. Try projecting forward, and imagining your ds as a big brother to the child you're expecting. That will be an acknowledgement that you absolutely know he's going to be fine and nothing awful is going to happen to him.

Absolutely talk to your gp or health visitor, but like others have said, these types of thoughts are not uncommon for new mums. I had visions of throwing my dc out the window when they wouldn't settle for hours at night. You may simply need some reassuring about where you've found yourself, or more support, but talking about it will help. Mind yourself.

Oh you poor sweetheart, do you know that many new mothers have absolutely horrible thoughts which fill them with panic - but they are just thoughts. It's something that often happens with post natal depression.

Face the thought, acknowledge it and the fact that it isn't something that isn't going to happen and let it pass away.

These intrusive thoughts will go, I promise you.

I hope all goes well with your pregnancy and that you have good support.

Another one saying OCD. Please don't worry. Part of the intrusive thoughts is that you would never actually carry it out. There was a lady in my CBT class who was having similar and they were brilliant.

If you really really don't want to go to the GP (and I think you should) can you at least self refer for CBT for depression /anxiety.

Seriously though Talk to your gp. They will have experience of this.

Please go to your GP , they will be able to help you.

It's OCD (intrusive thoughts). So horrible to experience. I do empathize. It's anxiety, exhaustion and the subconscious realization that your baby is vulnerable and that you could (but would never) harm your baby. The presence of your thoughts and degree of distress combined with the concern that they're causing you is a VERY strong indicator of the fact it's OCD and that you are at no risk to your baby. But it's so terribly upsetting and causes deep anxiety to even have the thoughts. I know.
Chatting to your GP will help but is quite scary as you won't want to be seen as a risk to your child. Hopefully, heading so many mums share their own experiences on your thread will offer great reassurance. Sounds basic but do try to get as much rest as you can .. and tell those thoughts to bugger off.

Hearing - not heading.

I'd absolutely echo the advice of those who've suggested you speak to your GP. Avoid medication. Talk / CBT therapy is what's needed.

I had thoughts like these when my one was newborn. Health visitor put it down to post natal depression and anxiety. Seen a mental health doctor and she said it's not that you would actually do it it's more of what if I did do it that's the anxiety playing on your mind. She also said It's almost like your hormonal brain is looking for justification that your a shit mum. Sleep plays a big part in your mental health too make sure your getting some good sleep and some time to have a bath or something you want to do.......it's gone away now. He's 11 months old. I didn't take meds. I just had to keep telling myself that I was a good mum and looked at baby to see that. Dunno if any of what ive said will help. I still recommend telling health visitor she won't think your shit and will help 😊

I'm a mental health nurse. You would be surprised how common these feelings actually are.
Some excellent, reassuring advice from others on here. Either speak to your HV or GP.

I also had these thoughts but didn't have depression or OCD. It's a normal process of thinking about how vulnerable your child is, it doesn't meant you will hurt your child.

This article is worth a read. Reading this really helped me to not be so horrified in myself for having the thoughts.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/am-i-normal/201110/intrusive-thoughts-normal-or-not%3famp

It does sound like you are not planning to go to the GP or a group now... Please please do. They will not take away your baby or judge you as a mother, however the support they can provide will give you the best possible chance of dealing quickly and well with these thoughts.

Even if you are reassured right now, that doesn't mean they'll go away - especially with another baby on the way. The last thing you want is to be looking back in 6 months, with abother baby nearly due, and suffering from severe depression or obsessive thoughts - and this can happen, even to the most balanced, well rested and loving parents.
Please do speak with your gp or HV.

You are right, i am reluctant to get help from the GP. I am going to speak to my OH and see what says. But i know deep down you are all right xx

Please get some real life help. I struggled for too long and was suicidal with the belief that the thoughts would never stop. It took a long time to return to normal without these thoughts bothering me. I tried the internet for help but I needed people there to talk too. And they did. And both of my children were none the wiser.

I still have them now (everyone does) but I just acknowledge the thought, and carry on with my day.

Could you show your partner this thread? It would help explain and also reassure him with all the women who have experienced the same.

Op maybe show this thread to your oh so he can see how common it is. I think the proper term is cognitive dissonance. It's the same thing when you're on a cliff and you wonder what will happen if you throw yourself off. Or driving and you imagine driving into oncoming traffic. It's because you really don't want to do it that you have the thought. Human brains are funny old things.

Speak to your midwife/HV. They will reassure you. Keep us posted and congratulations on your beautiful baby and your pregnancy!

If there's nothing else going on for you that worries you about your mental well-being then please focus on people who have said that intrusive thoughts are not unusual and don't mean you're going to harm your baby at all. (Although as emphasised if you have anything else that worries you in addition to this then see your GP!)

We all have intrusive thoughts- i once held a pair of scissors and thought that I could just cut my hair off! 🙈 And I had several thoughts about my baby when they were born too. All normal, all fine. But it feel scary to think that you've had that thought, again- doesn't mean you'll hurt your baby at all. Xx

OP I waiting almost 2 years after my DS was born to get help. I refused medication and tried counselling but wasn't ready to admit to myself that I weren't right. Doctors at the hospital when my son was admitting at a young age recognised I weren't coping and asked me to go to the gp. Funny thing is i didn't start to get intrusive thoughts until about 6 months ago when all the stress got on top of me. I really scared myself even though I wasn't going to harm him. That's when I realised I needed help. I now take a low dose anti depressant which has been great. I no longer have the thoughts. I also had 4 months of counselling where I finally opened up and I feel alot better. So my point is please don't wait I wish I hadn't and just admitted I had a problem back then. Because as PP have said it's common and no one will judge you

Hello OP 👋
I just wanted to reiterate what other posters have said. You aren’t alone and there is help out there.
I experienced something similar, I had lost my dad shortly before becoming pregnant and then as soon as DD was here I was constantly preoccupied with her dying. Anyway long story short, my husband and my mom went with me to GP and I was prescribed Citalopram and it’s made such a difference to my life.
I’ve also taken up running which has helped my mental health. I know it’s very early days as your little one is tiny, but maybe it would be good for you to have something outside of baby? Is there anything you really enjoyed doing prior to being a mom?

Could be anxiety/OCD. I get intrusive thoughts and they can be scary but they play on your biggest fear. Remember You are in control of your behaviour and you would never hurt him. The thought was upsetting.

Maybe you are mentally tired and you need a break. Are you feeling anxious?

If my anxiety is bad I start to show OCD behaviours and intrusive thoughts are one of them. When they first started I was scared that I was going to do something really bad.

I don't know if i am feeling anxious? But i must be to have these thoughts? I think exercise is a good idea as i haven't done much recently and i know it does improve my mood.

This isn't the easiest to write... I've recently been diagnosed with postnatal depression and having been taking anti-depressants for coming up to a month now.

I have been having intrusive thoughts for months now, and have realised that they are my worst fears. For example I'm terrified of hot drinks around baby have told everyone they're not allowed them anywhere near baby especially now baby grabs everything but I have thoughts of pouring my cup of tea over his leg. I KNOW I would never do it but it's absolutely horrid. I've also had them of standing at the stop of the stairs and dropping baby, again because I'm frightened of dropping him when I'm walking up/down the stairs.

I read a lot about intrusive thoughts and it's the very worst things your brain can imagine, and so many women have them post natally and they are not of any risk to their children.

I'd advise looking these up as this helped me understand them, and get in to see your GP today. There are medications that can be taken when pregnant, and this will be better for you and baby than the stress on you and your body and baby having untreated post natal mental health problems.

Sending you love and plenty of understanding.