I have an enormous amount going on in my life.
I've struggled my way through 18 months of court against my narc ex husband who lied and used the system to abuse me. We've ended up at a position where now cafcass and some other contact company are all telling me that I have to trust him again because if I don't then I will be harming my children. I need to pretend like our past didn't happen - for the sale of the children, and if my daughter asked (and she does because he physically hurt her but the court decided that she had misinterpreted it) that I am to tell her it's all fine and was a misunderstanding.
Also, my father is in extreme ill health in a home and things have turned nasty between the family and I am being scapegoated here as well.
I've got up this morning planning to take the kids down to a local attraction and I'm just in floods of tears, I've shouted because they just would not stop being whingey little things, the fake cries and endless screaming at each other is more then I can cope with.
I have this strong urge to crawl back into bed and just cry and sleep.
All I want is someone to stroke my head and just be there to show me some love. I don't want to talk, I don't want pills. I don't want to hurt myself, I just want to sleep and have the world go away.
I feel really really low and I just don't want to exist anymore.