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Mental health

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Original poster

I think, I don't want to carry on anymore

54 replies

beeswaxxx · 20/05/2007 23:15

I'm a namechanger and I want to give up... life is awful and I don't wnat to have to suffer anymore but i dont hae the guts to end it so im stuck arent i?
no one cares about me or what i do or wat happens ot me, no on ewill miss me im just too fukn cowardly to do it. take the step into oblivion and peace, it wold be so beautiful but im too scared

dont kniw why im posting it here, none of you relaly know me or cn do anything to help either so its all pointless sisnt it?

sory for bad spelling, i can't see properly wat im doing, lol

OP posts:

colditz · 20/05/2007 23:35

Beeswaxxx I am in Leicestershire, are you near me?

Custardo has said it. Keep fighting. Your natural state is not miserable, it gets better. Gop BACK to the doctors and tell him everything is NOT fine. There are a million and one different anti depressants in the country, he can easily give you something else. no skin off his nose.

Depression is a life threatening condition. It needs to be treated.

ktmoomoo · 20/05/2007 23:37

im in lincolnshire xx beeswaxx if you watching talk to us huni xx

onlygirlinthehouse · 20/05/2007 23:37

you are not wasting our time people care about you. Hve been there myself but when went to GP couldnt keep it in and cried for half an hour. Was sent to therapist for cognative behavoural therapy thought it would be crap but it was really good. Dont know how but made me feel much better, still not 100% but coping. See about a therapist if not already and know there are others who know how you feel

macmama73 · 20/05/2007 23:37

If you feel you can't speak to your dp or gp maybe you could write down how you feel or show them this thread.

Have you noticed how many mnetters have replied to your post, you are not alone.

fireflyfairy2 · 20/05/2007 23:38

I think her children may be teens? as she says they only ask her for money

Hilllary · 20/05/2007 23:39

exactly - we are all here for you and its midnight! Think of how many people you would have around you in daylight hours!!

Its a hard place to be in but it does have a door, its up to you to open it.

ktmoomoo · 20/05/2007 23:39

i hope she ok xx i been there it not nicex one niught my dh nearly called 999 i just shut my self away and just stared into space he was great and helped me xx beeswaxx you need to tell yous husband he may suprise you huni xx

Tortington · 20/05/2007 23:41

i think your defining yourself by other people. stop that immedialey - you are a person in your own right.

so mrs person in your own right, what are you going to do for you?

Busybean · 20/05/2007 23:41

Somebody cares about you somewhere-you just might not know it.

I had devestating news last week about someone who I had been good friends with and id lost contact with about 3 yrs ago when pregnant with my son

She had gone into hospital becuase of self harm (she has always been a prolific self harmer as long as i can remember) and had been discharged, outside the hospital she set her self on fire and was re admitted. she fell into a coma and a few days later died of a heart attack, she was a year younger than me and just begginning her life.

Although i havent had contact with her for 3yrs, it hurt really bad, i couldnt beleive she had become so desperate.

Please dont do something like this to people you know, somebody cares about you, alot of the time people dont know how to show they care or they show it in the wrong way.

Take care and remember to love yourself and who you xx

fireflyfairy2 · 20/05/2007 23:42

I remember driving home & didn't brake at the end of a road.

I did it on purpose.

It was just by the grace of god that there was no cars coming the other way.

I scared myself so much I had to pull in & call dh to come & pick me up & drive me home, but it took that for him to see how fragile I was. I had 18months of counselling & went on to have my 2 children and lead a relatively normal life [whatever normal is ]

Are you 100% sure if you spoke to your dh he wouldn't understand?

PinkTulips · 20/05/2007 23:43

she still created them.

and the loss of their mother would still damage them beyond repair.

you deserve to be happy beeswaxx, go back to the doctor and sob. tell him how you really feel and he won't hesitate to help you.

there is a solution out there for you, the first drug you try might not work but one of them will and everything will seem so much clearer when you're out of this dark hole

fireflyfairy2 · 20/05/2007 23:43

True PT.

ktmoomoo · 20/05/2007 23:43

beeswaxx huni chat to us you dont have to go through this on your own xx

ktmoomoo · 20/05/2007 23:52

hello am i alone here now xxx im off to bed will look here again in the morning you all take care xxx

Hilllary · 20/05/2007 23:53

I must go to sleep too, thinking of you honey, take care of yourself, please dont take that final step, come and talk to us

{{{{{{{{{{{hugs for you}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Original poster

beeswaxxx · 21/05/2007 07:33

I apologise for my behaviour last night and thank you all for your kindness.

OP posts:

McBeasty · 21/05/2007 07:53

Beeswaxxx, how are you this morning? You are not a fuk up. I also suffer from depression. When I'm at my lowest point it helps me to remember that I've been through this before and I've come out the other side. Depression is a bastard but I view it as a condition and like any condition it can be managed. Please talk to your family and go back to your GP. Another MNetter on another post suggested printing the post out & showing it to her GP, as she felt she couldn't verbalise how she was really feeling. If your husband read this I doubt he would think you were being silly. You really are not alone, like someone said earlier just look at the response you've had from the other MNs. We care and we are here to help you. Please let us know how you are. BIG HUGS x

DimpledThighs · 21/05/2007 07:57

no need to apologise.

MinW · 21/05/2007 08:18

Beeswaxxx - you say your DH has a good job and a lot of Companies offer employees and their families a helpline service for all kinds of things including personal counselling. This is a good idea if you don't feel comfortable talking to your GP. My DH made me call when I was feeling really bad with PN depression. They set up one to one counselling (over the phone as I had no one to watch DS). I had 5 sessions with the same therapist and it really helped me to get perspective on my situation. It really does help to talk to someone objective about how you are feeling. Please think about this and/or the other advice being given. It is horrible to feel the way you do and we all want to make sure you are ok.

Original poster

beeswaxxx · 21/05/2007 08:35

I do have depression, I have done for as long as I can remember, even as a child, only been officially diagnosed for about 3 years tho. I think GP sensed that I wasn't being completely honest with him last time I saw him as he upped my dose of AD's. He's been my gp since I was 10 years old so he does know me quite well I suppose.

I think things have just got to the stage where it's all too much. I'm out of the house often from 10am-ish and sometimes dont get home until after 9 in the evenings if I have late meetings to attend and weekends too at times, and it's soul destroying to come home and discover that no one has even managed to move a cup from the kitchen table to the dishwasher, or prepared something to eat - even a sandwich for themselves or ordered a takeaway and then I'm barely given a chance to take off my jacket and shoes before being asked what's for dinner/can I order a takeway etc etc - this includes husband btw.

On saturday I had a seminar to go to and asked my husband to research/find a new laptop for me (he works in IT) and son to empty and refill the dishwasher. Of course I got home and neither thing was done. My son won't do anything unless I pay him and since we got a cleaner he's got worse cos he just thinks she'll do it! husband says he doesn't have time (ie it would cut into his gaming time)

When I'm at home, I tend to be in my office, finishing up work or just surfing around, we have zero family life anymore as husband is gaming and son is doing his own thing or with his girlfriend.

Things are also starting to rear their heads which I had long buried and I don't want to have to think about them or deal with them, they're in the past and they should stay there shouldnt' they? The reason I said it wouldn't do any good to talk to my husband about it is because when I have in the past he's very sympathetic for 3-4 hours and then goldfishlike, he forgets and it all goes back to normal, so there's really no point.

People think I'm this amazing superwoman who juggles family and professional life and make a success of everything.. it's not true, I'm a crumbling wreck but a good actress and just lately I can feel the mask slipping.

Thanks for reading, if you got this far

OP posts:

MinW · 21/05/2007 09:19

Goodness, it sounds as though you have a lot on your plate, no wonder you feel so depressed. It's incredibly hard to cope with a demanding career and running a home, anyone would be struggling. You really do need to find someone to listen to you and to help you work out how to separate all the different pressures and issues. It is really hard to deal with things when it all just feels too much. You've taken the first step by posting on here - you know you need someone to talk to. Please think about how you can get yourself some help.

Tortington · 21/05/2007 09:21

marriage guidence.

please go.

i swear that third person in the room makes the difference. they don't fix anything but your husband istening to you saying " i work all day and you can't even cook the tea or make me a brew?"

when somone else is listening he will be shamed - mine was.

sound like your usband is a laxy mother fucker as is your son.

however you can't motivate yourson when dad does the same thing - so dad has to get off his lazy fat fucking behind and remember your supposed to actually be someone he loves.

i think that needs saying forcefully.

luciemule · 21/05/2007 10:45

God Beeswaxxx - I really feel for you and really think that talking to someone will help you. Your DH and son seem to think that because it looks like you can do everything, you will. You need to tell them it's not like that at all - print off your OP and sit them down and explain it all to them and tell them (not ask them) what you need them to do to help.
It must be so demoralising to get home that late and find nothing done. They're not appreciating you - and to me - you do sound like superwoman.
When I had pnd, literally 2 sessions of chatting to a hv helpd me unload everything I was feeling and I managed to get away without anti depressants but also ask your GP to see about changing them to others if you don't think they're working.
Also - try snacking on 5 brazil nuts a day as they're full of selenium to make you feel happier.
I truely hope you can talk to your GP and son and that they listen. Good idea about marriage counselling - sometimes it's good to rebalance your life.

rollonsummerholidays · 21/05/2007 11:09

beeswaxxx, so glad you are ok. I tell you men they need everything spelt out for them. my eldest sister 2 boys and a hubby she is so taken for granted. have to say now she is 50 she is claiming some me time .

take all the good advice on here concerning gp etc and marriage guidance. For now love yourself have a long soak in the bath with candles and nice expensive bubble bath. ARe you due some time off take 3 mondays in a row off have the house to yourself. better still day after cleaning lady has been totally indulge yourself. Whatever it takes to get you through this difficult time. You sound exhausted. Keep posting on here and let us know how you get on. Promise me you will do something nice for you everyday.[hugs]

Countingthegreyhairs · 21/05/2007 11:30

Hi Beeswaxx, agree it sounds as if you are exhausted and need a break and also ... a woman friend or two whom you can talk to.
Men can be ... well, men ....!!

Could you hold a family meeting and explain to them how their lack of support and help is making you feel and allocate specific tasks i.e., husband has responsibility for emptying bins, loading washing machine, cleaning sink, son for own laundry/filling and emptying dishwasher??

The three Mondays in a row is a good idea too.

Hope you can hold on until the ads start to take effect ... thinking of you .. and hope your mum feels better soon xxx

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