I think, I don't want to carry on anymore

[beeswaxxx]

I'm a namechanger and I want to give up... life is awful and I don't wnat to have to suffer anymore but i dont hae the guts to end it so im stuck arent i?
no one cares about me or what i do or wat happens ot me, no on ewill miss me im just too fukn cowardly to do it. take the step into oblivion and peace, it wold be so beautiful but im too scared

dont kniw why im posting it here, none of you relaly know me or cn do anything to help either so its all pointless sisnt it?

sory for bad spelling, i can't see properly wat im doing, lol

have you been to your gp? You are suffering from depression from what I have read in your post.

People do care about you, and posting is a kind of safe way of talking.

I can't spell either.

It's always darkest before the dawn.... a cliche but true. Have you seen a GP lately about how you are feeling?

No, it wouldnt be beautiful, it would be terrible.

Why do you feel your life is awful? Is it anything you can change? Have you spoken to anyone in RL about how you feel?

hugs

Don't do anything you will regret sweetie.

Why do you think no-one cares about you?

Do you have children? Surely they will care, don't let them wake up and find mum has left them alone.

been there. know about the big black hole, the dreaming of suicide. my favourite suicide dream was driving right off the road at high speed - then there was just walking into the sea. anything i couldnt get back from and wouldn't be at home.

i tell you this so you have conficence in what i am saying.

you must go to the doctor. try anti depressents - they take a couple of months to kick in - sometimes shorter.

they don't make everything right. your lif willbe just the same and you may be unhappy but not in the black hole you are now.

they arn't happy pills but may correct any chemicle imbalance making you view your life this way.

Ultimatley you have got to think about how you can change your circumstances so you will be happy.

First time around my children were small and i was trying too hard to be a great housewife, wife, mother. i couldnt do it. i felt like a failure.

the housework gave, and my dh had to pull socks up. i changed my criteria to 'making fun happy times' for the kids rather than clean kitchen floor.

second time i felt isolated having moved a very long way from my family, friends and community and job and success in my field.

again i changed my criteria. i changed my job and i ventured out to meet mumsnetters. i don't thinkthey know this but those piss fests once a quarter were blummmin lifesaving for my sanity at the time.

so go to the doctor, get yourself a plan. small steps. what can you do to make you a bit happier?

So it would be beautiful to look down from above or wherever and see the pain and anguish that you would cause your family. Don't be bloody stupid. Go to the gp tommorow. You can beat these feelings but you must let others help you. You have children, they need you and they need you to be well, you owe them that.

Listen to Custardo. Please.

im on citalopram, 40mg a day, saw gp last week, put on a smile and told him evrythngs fine

there's no one i can talk to here, my mums ill and i dont wnt to upset her, my dh wouldnt be interested, hed just tell me not to be silly or take it as a a criticism of him and my kids.. i cant say it to them can i?

Im just tired of pretenidng to be someone im not. im not happy bubbly little face i show the world, im misrable and ugly and worn out from the prtending since iw as a little tiny girl

im just anoter of lifes fuk ups
sorry for wasting your time

aw huni virtul hug to xxx you need to talk to a proffesoinal as well as us your freinds here xxx i get bouts of deppressoin too huni it not nice but you have made the first step by talking to us xx your next step is to seek medical advice too x we all here for you too

we are here for you honey, you are not alone

I know how you feel but it can get better, honestly, that peaceful place is not so peaceful when you take your own life, it becomes a dark place.

Does anyone in RL know how you feel? Can you talk to anyone, are you alone?

you not wasting our time huni xxx

Aw, take custys advice, she's a good'un.

Why did you pretend to your GP?

We're all here to listen & talk to you if you want.

Think of your kids. and maybe your dh could surprise ypu if you actually told him the truth?

Did something happen to you when you were a little girl, bee?

hugs to you follow all the well meaning advice on here and it will help. let us know how you get on take care ..get some help

you have to wait to see how you feel after being on the medication. Where abouts in the country are you and do you have any close friends nearby to go out with. Even if you don't tell someone in RL how you're feeling, just doing something with someone might make things seems a bit easier.
Why wouldn't your DH listen? Surely he would want you to be happy.

Are you blocking out stuff which happened to you honey?

thanks custardo, your name always makes me smile

my fantasy is to step off a platform under a train, but that would be a mess
onlything ayone wold miss me for is money probly, i only see my kids when they want cash, dh has a good job and earns lot of money but he awlays borrowing off me too. they'd miss that butnothing else

youre all such nice people here and im taking up tme you should be spending having fun on other threds, i'll stop bothering you all now

im sorry

im on cypramil and have been for almost 9 years now but i can talk to you all so easy here xxx beeswaxxx we all here to listen to you ok

Talk to us.

Have you had any counselling for what has obviously happened in your childhood?

Listen, if we didn't want to reply we wouldn't.

Every person who has replied has taken time for you. So there are people who care {{hug}}

how old are your kids beeswaxxx? Also, do you work?

You are not bothering us, please don't feel like that.

You need to go back to your GP and maybe talk to someone.

beeswaxx tell us more about you we all great listeners and freinds xxx

Dont go, you have noting to be sorry about you are a worthy person just like any other, you dont need to excuse your presence.

Your children would miss you, even though you dont think so they would. You sound like you work hard with little appreciation, have you tried talking to your dp in depth, I know we all tell our GP's what they want to hear, have you written notes?

there have been plenty of times in my life i could have written your posts.

the only thing that held me back was the thought of those i'd leave behid, when i was younger i couldn't do it to my dad, now i couldn't leave my children.

you need to focus on those little lives that love you and need you more than anyone one else on this planet. no-one can replace you for them, no-one else can be their mom amd you cannot destroy their lives by leaving them

go and hug them, even if it means waking them go and look at them and revel in how precious and fragile they are.

YOU CREATED THEM!

YOU made those beautiful, unique angels... YOU! you made them and that makes you special, and important, and loved beyond comparison.

drop everything tomorrow and go to the park with them, play with them. don't worry about money, or your relationship or anything else, just enjoy being with them and remind yourself how special you are for creating them.