If you have been diagnosed with depression

[Ithinktomyself]

Would you mind coming and talking to me about it please? I think that I might be but I am also conscious that I might just be being ridiculously self-indulgent.

I have had periods of bleakness before: tears over nothing; feelings of anxiety and dread about ordinary things; self-hatred. I was drinking a lot for a period but I have completely quit now. Most of the time I could put this down to stress from work or particular life events so I chalked it up to "just life" and carried on.

Right now, life is good. A lovely family and home. I live in a beautiful part of the world. There are stresses but nothing beyond the normal day to day of living. But everything seems so utterly pointless at the moment. I don't seem to be able to take joy from anything. I am doing all the things I should be doing: tidying the house, getting the DS to school, working a pt job but it all seems to be just busy work while I wait to die.

I am thinking about suicide a lot. I don't think it's something I intend to do but the concept keeps swirling around in my mind and there's a tiny part of me who has some admiration for those who go through with it. I'm not idealising it at all, I just can see the attraction.

I'm on the brink of tears a lot of the time. Someone told me I looked well today and that almost set me off. I don't know why.

But I'm still functioning. I set myself little challenges, like I'm doing an organised run for charity, and I'm doing all the training required. Every step seems utterly pointless though and I am doing it now purely not to let down the people sponsoring me.

I have commitments which I live up to but if they weren't there I don't know what the point of me would be. So I don't just stay in bed all day or anything like that which I know can be a sign of depression (which is another reason why I think I'm probably just self-indulgent). I quit drinking because I didn't think it was helping my mental health but if I'm honest, I think I'm worse now because there's nothing interrupting my thoughts.

I feel like a GP in an over-stretched NHS would tell me to get over myself and probably rightly so. I know I just need to get on with life. I have taken steps to try to make things better myself (exercise, healthier eating, etc) but I just can't shake this bleakness.

I dunno. What do you think? Am I? And, realistically, what should I do?

I feel like a GP in an over-stretched NHS would tell me to get over myself

No I dont think they would actually. The loss of pleasure in things is classic depression. The suicidal thoughts even without planning are serious. Please go to your GP. Honestly they see more people with similar symptoms than you’d believe. If you go and tell them you’ve tried lifestyle changes but still feel like this they will listen.

Well done on quitting drinking - that’s a really big thing and one you should be proud of.

Be kind to yourself - single best bit of advice I’ve ever had.

Realistically, you should go to see your GP and get help. You sound a lot like me - a functioning depressed person with no circumstantial triggers. I think it's just down to brain chemistry for me and I've always responded well and quickly to medication. But if you have even remotely thought about suicide, a GP should take you very seriously and help you. Please make an appointment ASAP.

Thank you @Yarnswift. TBH the quitting drinking seems like the stupidest thing I've ever done right now! At least when I was drinking I could blame daytime moods on hangovers and evening moods on over-indulgence.

I have no idea what to say to a GP. I am one of life criers anyway and I suspect I'd just snivel my way through an appointment without actually articulating the problem.

Whenever I’ve had depression my GP was the first port of call, giving me the support with medication,referral to counselling and even a sleep clinic. The first step asking for help is the hardest whether from professionals or family and friends.

What would a GP do though? I am reluctant to take medication - this is going to sound ridiculous - in some ways I feel like feeling like this is the only authentic thing about me. I've always been a bit bleak, if I quash these feelings with drugs, who am I anyway?

Completely agree with everything Yarnswift said. Please don't be so hard on yourself lovely, your symptoms certainly sound like depression. A gp would be very keen to see you and offer help and support, please make that appointment. Sending lots of love and light, you will get through this

Thank you all for being kind btw. I feel like a fraud. I'm having a good cry as I type this and I really want to go to bed but I have work to do. I just wish I wasn't so utterly pathetic.

I would definitely get yourself to the GP. What you described is exactly how I was feeling at my worst. Just explain to them exactly what you've said here. They will understand.

I put off going to the doctor for about a year and I wish now I'd gone sooner. I was given antidepressants and I have arranged counseling privately through work. The doctor did some blood tests and found I was seriously anemic and had various deficiencies. So this was also making my low mood and energy levels worse. I'm also now going to see a gynecologist about my periods because they've been so heavy since having kids and they've probably caused my anemia. I just wish I'd gone to be checked sooner so I wasn't struggling and suffering so long.

Medication doesn't necessarily eradicate the negative emotions. I felt it just balanced them out, enough for me to feel the light creep back in, if that makes sense? It took time but I could feel myself getting back onto an even keel. And as a result I was able to see the positive again, I could see the negative, but for what it was. It wasn't all consuming anymore. I hope that makes sense?

@Fatted I'm peri-menopausal which doesn't help I don't think.

Tell them what you've told us OP. Write something down and read it out to them (I am also a crier and find this helps me) just make a jokey comment about how you are a nervous crier and you've written it down so you don't get upset.

@Ffswtf would you mind if I asked what you took?

You sound depressed to me. You could actually be me at the moment. The GP will likely start you on an antidepressant, don't be discouraged if the first one doesn't work. I've been through four before finding one without side effects and I might end up changing again as it isn't working that well. It has 3 more weeks to pull its finger out and start working.

Absolutely do not start drinking again. Alcohol is the last thing you need. It doesn't help, just makes things worse. You have depression, you don't need a hangover too.

The drugs aren’t a magic cure - they’re a crutch to get a chunk of light into the situation.

When I’ve been depressed previously I’ve found a short ish course of Prozac has helped massively - it actually has two separate actions - one longer term but one immediate. The immediate one is thought to be mediated by the same receptors activated by socialising (I am not terribly social..)

If they don’t work you can try another or you can wean off them. Side effects are generally pretty mild.

The feeling you have regarding reality is actually very common. I’ve also found that psychotherapy was extremely helpful and I wish I’d done it years ago.

I’d go and see your GP. Show them your first post if you’re a messy cryer ;)

Depression may well be part of your makeup. It is of mine and that’s OK, I’ve made peace with that. What I have learned though through many episodes is that there’s a line that can be crossed where my normal charming pessimism and bleakness goes somewhere a bit too dark. When that happens I take the drugs.

You don’t need to change YOU - you are Ok as you are. What you need to do is acknowledge when you start to hit the top of that spiral down. And pull out of it. Drugs can help with that. Go see your GP.

You're far from pathetic, you're unwell. If you had a broken bone would you be so tough on yourself? Listen to your body, cry if want, sleep if you want, be your own best friend.

It's ok, I was kinda joking about the drinking. I quit back in November and I don't seriously want to start again.

I took Fluoxetine mostly. Low dosages a lot of the time, but I've had several episodes over the years. I just needed that bit of help to balance me I think.

It’s understandable to think that about the drinking. It numbs you way more than antidepressants though. And it’s really really bad news for anyone with depression. I no longer drink at all - it just makes me feel shit if I do.

Call your GP surgery today. Now (whipcrack.) get that appointment booked in rather than dithering. You can do this. Mention the suicidal thoughts to the receptionist if they’re an arse. Action is the opposite of depression.

I felt very similar to how you describe for many years. I tried everything exercise, mindfulness etc etc but the wonder of taking 50mg sertraline has entirely changed my life. It is like stepping through a door into the light. I am no longer faking emotions, I am a whole person again. I hugged my gp when I went back for a follow up as I was so happy! My only regret is waiting so long. And I didn’t suffer any side effects apart from headaches which resolved with paracetamol and ibuprofen. Good luck

You are not pathetic, your brain chemistry is out of whack. If you'd dislocated your elbow you wouldn't think you were pathetic.

The drugs just help balance things back out that's all. It might help you to read up on them and how they work. They don't change you. Just increase the levels of serotonin in your brain. Think of them like vitamins for the grey matter.

TBH the quitting drinking seems like the stupidest thing I've ever done right now

Actually, it was a really good decision. Alcohol is a depressant:

www.drinkaware.co.uk/alcohol-facts/health-effects-of-alcohol/mental-health/alcohol-and-mental-health/

Please go and see your GP, you do need support and that is what they are there for. Mental health is just as important, possibly more so, as physical health and a GP that only wants to see perfectly healthy patients would be rather pointless. One step at a time. Don't worry too much about what you're going to tell them. Don't worry about how they might respond or what treatment they might suggest. Just take the first 2 steps of making the appointment and going to it.

Please don’t think I’m criticising you, but it may help you to stop thinking you’re being self-indulgent if you consider the effect this may be having on your children. I’m sure you do everything you can to prevent them seeing how low you are, but I think children do often pick up at a subtle level (bitter experience). Also, the fact you have nothing to be depressed about is kind of the point - you’re miserable because you’re ill rather than as an understandable reaction to something.
Don’t feel ashamed - it’s an illness.

I've had depression since I lost my daughter to cancer, that's the thing with depression, I can put my finger on a reason, the vast majority don't and wonder why they feel so numb, when everything is going ok.

If I were you, I'd definitely go to the gp, you describe so well the "what's it all about" not finding interest in things in your life, even though they are there - that hits the nail on the head and is insidious.

With medication, the right medication (it can take a bit of trial and error to get the right meds), you will start to feel like yourself again, and you deserve to feel life and it's joys.

Please go and see your gp, you will not be wasting their time. Best of luck to you 💐 x

@MrsBodger I do hear you, I really do. And I do think about whether DS is aware but I really really don't think he is. I am upbeat and engaged with him at least most of the time.

I am building up to ringing the GP but honestly the thought of saying this out loud to someone really scares me. If I said this to my parents they would tell me not to be ridiculous. I can't say it to my friends because they have proper problems. I can't say it to my DH because we recently had a row where it transpired he was really upset that he "couldn't make me happy".

I am waiting for a call back. What the fuck have I just done?