If you have been diagnosed with depression

[Ithinktomyself]

Would you mind coming and talking to me about it please? I think that I might be but I am also conscious that I might just be being ridiculously self-indulgent.

I have had periods of bleakness before: tears over nothing; feelings of anxiety and dread about ordinary things; self-hatred. I was drinking a lot for a period but I have completely quit now. Most of the time I could put this down to stress from work or particular life events so I chalked it up to "just life" and carried on.

Right now, life is good. A lovely family and home. I live in a beautiful part of the world. There are stresses but nothing beyond the normal day to day of living. But everything seems so utterly pointless at the moment. I don't seem to be able to take joy from anything. I am doing all the things I should be doing: tidying the house, getting the DS to school, working a pt job but it all seems to be just busy work while I wait to die.

I am thinking about suicide a lot. I don't think it's something I intend to do but the concept keeps swirling around in my mind and there's a tiny part of me who has some admiration for those who go through with it. I'm not idealising it at all, I just can see the attraction.

I'm on the brink of tears a lot of the time. Someone told me I looked well today and that almost set me off. I don't know why.

But I'm still functioning. I set myself little challenges, like I'm doing an organised run for charity, and I'm doing all the training required. Every step seems utterly pointless though and I am doing it now purely not to let down the people sponsoring me.

I have commitments which I live up to but if they weren't there I don't know what the point of me would be. So I don't just stay in bed all day or anything like that which I know can be a sign of depression (which is another reason why I think I'm probably just self-indulgent). I quit drinking because I didn't think it was helping my mental health but if I'm honest, I think I'm worse now because there's nothing interrupting my thoughts.

I feel like a GP in an over-stretched NHS would tell me to get over myself and probably rightly so. I know I just need to get on with life. I have taken steps to try to make things better myself (exercise, healthier eating, etc) but I just can't shake this bleakness.

I dunno. What do you think? Am I? And, realistically, what should I do?

The first two or three weeks can be rough - just take it easy and ride it out.

Concentrate on what you have achieved, each day, because I can guarantee it's more than you give yourself credit for. You are no less worthwhile than anyone else. You are worth it.

My lovely GP gave me Valium for the first three days- it was great. Lots of people have depression - you don't have to have a reason to be depressed. Please don't worry about the drugs my prescription has been tinkered with over the years and the first few weeks are really important. Please do let your friend know. I didn't and now it's three years down the line I feel I can't 😏. So everything you're feeling and concerned about is absolutely normal and valid. My psychiatrist regularly asked me if I had delusions of grandeur- I didn't but might be of interest to you?

I'm just tired at the moment. I have told DH, although in a half-arsed "oh btw.." sort of way. I think if I took valium I'd just sleep for the next fortnight! (That sounds so lovely!)

Oh sorry, you said friend, not DH. I don't know. It feels inappropriate. I will think about it. I don't tell her everything.

superior grasp of the situation

Rings very true for me! There is some evidence that people with depression see things more realistically than those who aren’t depressed.

If you’re feeling physically unwell that’ll not help matters so I hope that doesn’t come to anything.

Have you done any reading around mindfulness? Even if you don’t want to do the meditation, a lot of the attributes are really helpful for well being.

Best wishes

That made me laugh - if nothing else I get to enjoy the knowledge that I have a far more realistic grasp of life than all those people without depression.

I'm pretty sure the nausea is directly from the pills, although I've got a bit of a throat coming on too.

I am aware of mindfulness but I haven't done much. My family is really into Transcendental Meditation but I've always found it a bit of a waste of time (plus always rather resented my mother spending what seemed like hours every day, lying motionless in a darkened room - and before you say it, yes I suspect she suffers too).

I've started on antidepressants this week, although not my first time, it's taken me a while to realise I needed them again.

I just wanted to say well done - to take that step is fantastically hard. Take each day as it comes and please try and remember to talk to yourself like you would to somebody that you love x

Thanks @Cupoteap. Today has been better. Still feel a bit like I'm balancing on a precipice but I am at least balancing.

How are doing OP?

Your post really resonates with me. I sitting trying to decide whether to make a GP appt about how I feel.

Make sure you eat with Citalopram. Helps with the nausea but that should subside anyway in a week or two. In my case it was replaced with hallucinations but apparently that is exceedingly rare.

It's been really helpful reading this thread, thank you @Ithinktomyself for your bravery in starting it and for seeking help

This was me a couple of months ago - I'm now on Prozac / fluoxetine and the black cloud is lifting. It's not a magic cure-all, the issues I had are still with me, but I no longer feel as bleak, suicidal or miserable as I have been.

OP talked about the fear of taking anti-depressants and how you might "lose" yourself as a result of the medication - a friend said to me, well she's happier after a run or after a glass of wine but that doesn't mean she shouldn't run, does it? We all do what we need to do to get better. This might be just the same me, just a happier version.

Coincidentally a friend is also on Prozac to alleviate menopausal symptoms, she says it helps a lot.

Thanks all. And to all those going through similar at the moment.

I've been on the ADs for a few days now and my mood has levelled out - I appreciate that this is probably just the ebb and flow of my mood in general but it's nice not to be in such a state of crisis. I don't feel good though, more aware that my negative thoughts are a symptom of my illness. They are still there but I'm better able to bat them away at present.

Today is a good example. Been a bit of a disaster as DS is off sick from school unexpectedly so I've had to cancel everything and DDog is recovering from an injury. Plus everyone was up at 5am this morning. Last week this would have been enough to completely destroy me but I am better able to take it in my stride today. The world keeps spinning, neither boy or dog are suffering because of me and I've achieved some stuff even if it wasn't what I planned.

BTW: thanks for the advice with the Citalopram but trust me when I say I will never EVER be too depressed to eat.

.

Actually - scrap that. Yesterday was a fucking disaster. Just loads of things going wrong all at once. DH is now utterly miserable too so all my energy is going into keeping his spirits up. Rationally I know that all the things that went wrong yesterday were, in the great scheme of things, just life. But all together they've really got me down again. I feel quite drained today. Have missed my run deliberately because I'm just so tired.

Am going to try and do a bit of work on the sofa but will probably doze a bit too. Then I'll feel like crap for not achieving anything.

It's just an endless cycle really isn't it?

Oh dear, hope the rest of your day was a bit more positive