If you have been diagnosed with depression

[Ithinktomyself]

Would you mind coming and talking to me about it please? I think that I might be but I am also conscious that I might just be being ridiculously self-indulgent.

I have had periods of bleakness before: tears over nothing; feelings of anxiety and dread about ordinary things; self-hatred. I was drinking a lot for a period but I have completely quit now. Most of the time I could put this down to stress from work or particular life events so I chalked it up to "just life" and carried on.

Right now, life is good. A lovely family and home. I live in a beautiful part of the world. There are stresses but nothing beyond the normal day to day of living. But everything seems so utterly pointless at the moment. I don't seem to be able to take joy from anything. I am doing all the things I should be doing: tidying the house, getting the DS to school, working a pt job but it all seems to be just busy work while I wait to die.

I am thinking about suicide a lot. I don't think it's something I intend to do but the concept keeps swirling around in my mind and there's a tiny part of me who has some admiration for those who go through with it. I'm not idealising it at all, I just can see the attraction.

I'm on the brink of tears a lot of the time. Someone told me I looked well today and that almost set me off. I don't know why.

But I'm still functioning. I set myself little challenges, like I'm doing an organised run for charity, and I'm doing all the training required. Every step seems utterly pointless though and I am doing it now purely not to let down the people sponsoring me.

I have commitments which I live up to but if they weren't there I don't know what the point of me would be. So I don't just stay in bed all day or anything like that which I know can be a sign of depression (which is another reason why I think I'm probably just self-indulgent). I quit drinking because I didn't think it was helping my mental health but if I'm honest, I think I'm worse now because there's nothing interrupting my thoughts.

I feel like a GP in an over-stretched NHS would tell me to get over myself and probably rightly so. I know I just need to get on with life. I have taken steps to try to make things better myself (exercise, healthier eating, etc) but I just can't shake this bleakness.

I dunno. What do you think? Am I? And, realistically, what should I do?

@MrsDilber I'm so sorry for your loss.

@mrsdilber I'm sorry for your loss @ithinktomyself I can relate to so much of your posts. Your husband could be feeling that way since he doesn't know what's really going on? I bet your family and friends would be supportive and understanding as well.

I think it's best I keep this to myself for the moment at least. DH is hugely stressed at work.

I was only half aware that it's Mental Health Awareness week this week and I find myself feeling even more like I'm jumping on a bandwagon. It all sounds so trite and ridiculous. I hate this "talk to people" message, as if saying this out loud does anything other than spread the misery around a bit more. And the fb posts from people saying that they're always ready to listen. They give me the rage and I can't really articulate why.

I met with my best mate at the weekend and sort of attempted to talk but she's going through her own stuff - real tangible stuff - and I couldn't really see an opening to talk about this.

I think this is the worst bit, the realisation that this feeling makes me completely selfish and self absorbed.

Thank you both. A call back is great, well done you! Might be worth jotting down some key points while you're waiting, so you get everything you want to say in the conversation. So glad you called.

I absolutely don’t want to make you worry about your son. I’m sure you are a v loving mum.
And I completely understand about finding it hard to talk to people you know - it feels wrong to burden them. But your gp is paid to do this so no worries there!
Seriously, drs know the damage done by depression and what your options are. They will take it seriously and yet won’t feel personally burdened, which you can’t count on with friends/family.
Also, facile Facebook crap - ugh.

OK. GP was v sweet. Has offered me setaropram (sp?) Will go and collect prescription later today. I feel ridiculous. I really dislike myself right now. This is so fucking lame.

I have achieved nothing this morning beyond moaning on the internet.

Sorry, I'm feeling quite cross with myself now. My heart is absolutely racing. I wish I had never said anything. I feel like such a waste of everyone's time.

Lots of us lame folk about Well done for talking to the dr. It may feel like a waste of time but it isn’t x

I have achieved nothing this morning beyond moaning on the internet.

Wrong. You’ve taken a big step forward. Citalopram maybe?

See how you get on, hope it works for you.

I agree with bowl you've done well. Take your meds and see how you go, they usually take a couple of weeks till they're fully effective.

A big first step to helping you feel better.

Thank you. I have just taken my first pill. I feel completely drained tbh. Wondering whether or not to tell DH. He may well take it quite personally.

You're not a waste of time. Sometimes things don't get better without medication. I remember once (I was breastfeeding) holding off and holding off and in the end everything was a disaster- services involved etc whereas if I'd just taken the damn medication when I was offered thing would have got better so much sooner.

You need to tell your DH. Medication has side effects that could be noticeable if nothing else. And if I had a partner that didn't tell me that they had been to the Dr and been given medication I'd be affronted.

Remember, if he's not supportive (hoping that he will be...) you can post here.

It's not personal though, if you'd broken your leg you'd use a crutch, if you had an infection you'd take antibiotics. It doesn't have to be forever, just see how you go.

@MrsDilber - I think a more appropriate analogy would be if I got food poisoning when he had been doing all the cooking!

Ok. Want to expand on that?

I was being a little facetious but what I meant was that DH would see my moods as a reflection on him and his husbanding. I'm not going to mention it for the moment, if I have any side effects I might.

Glad to hear you're seeing you're gp @ithinktomyself and hope you feel an improvement in a few weeks Its entirely up to you if you talk to your husband, and only you know how he would react. I would feel quite hurt if my husband was taking antidepressants and had kept it from me. No matter the circumstances I'd feel shut out, and would feel it's my role as his spouse to support him?

I hear what you're saying, but he's got a lot of his own stress right now and I know he feels under pressure from lots of directions.

I feel better for knowing that I'm doing something but I am weirdly numb today. Nothing, good or bad is really touching me. I realise that the pills probably aren't doing anything yet so it's probably just me. I don't like it. I just want to sleep.

Hi OP I read your post earlier and it occured to me I could have posted something similar a few years ago. I was on anti depressants on two occasions which did really help but I was always so tired, it transpired that I had a dangerously under active thyroid after my GP just decided to check! So i would recommend you get your GP to do a thyroid function test as it can cause these feelings of depression, lack of energy etc. BTW in no way are you being self indulgent by looking after your health.

OP, depression is not unhappiness. You are actually ill. It may be a relief to your husband to find out that this is why he can't make you happy, that it is not his failure. You will need his support for the first few weeks at least.

I had a breakdown last year, and was put on fluoxetine. It helped a little after the first three weeks, but then the dose was increased after three months. Three weeks into the increased dose, my mind just seemed to open up again, and I felt enjoyment and enthusiasm in a way that I hadn't for years. I believe I had had mild depression for years before the breakdown. Now I regret the time I wasted in seeking help - I kind of knew something wasn't right, but I was still functioning and just got on with stuff.

All the feelings of worthlessness, that you are wasting people's time, it is all part of the depression. Look after yourself, because you really are worth it, and you will believe that one day!

I told him last night, as an aside. He had asked if I was ok because I was rubbing my head so I told him I had a headache which might be a side-effect.

He didn't say anything, just a sort of "oh dear" and then we got on with our evening. He is not the sort of person to discuss things - more a doer than a talker.

I was walking back from the school run this morning, mentally checking off my symptoms and now I have actually said it out loud, it does seem pretty obvious and I've clearly been suffering from this since my late teens (I think I may have had a breakdown at university but I didn't call it that at the time - I came close to attempting suicide but lost my nerve in the planning).

The good news is that I've definitely suffered less since being married. There was a resurgence after the birth of DS but frankly I feel that depression is a completely rational response to having a whole human pulled out of your vagina and not being able to sleep for weeks.

I think this one is coming about because life is good. I live in a beautiful place, I am lucky enough to have a wonderful DH who is bringing in the money while I try to start a new career. I have a DS who is gorgeous and clever. I even have a puppy. The sun is shining. There are a million different types of bird in the garden. And I still have the temerity to be miserable.

My life has peaked and the only direction I can see now is downwards. I'm peri-menopausal which I know everyone keeps trying to sell as being a new exciting stage of life but it's not is it? It's the beginning of the end.

Felt a bit sick this morning, wondering if it's the drugs. I'm conscious that they will make me feel worse before I get better. I'm steeling myself for that.

Yes I think a lot of people suffer mood problems around the menopause - I did certainly but thank goodness it didn’t last. I hope your ‘beginning of the end’ feelings are part of that too. Good that you told your husband.

So glad you are getting some help. Your OP reads exactly like my life, especially recently, and guess what? I'm severely depressed. I've just had 3 weeks off work and am now back, but it's a colossal struggle. I am another of life's functioning depressed people (16 major depressive episodes but only one other spell off work - six months off in 2002) and my default setting is a bit lower than other people's. I'm also socially phobic. I'm telling anyone who wants to listen now... many are supportive and say they've been through similar, and some are utterly shocked because I'm a pretty good actress!

Hope you feel better soon.

New to this thread but just wanted to say that you’ve done a really brilliant thing admitting this to yourself (which is as hard as admitting it to anyone else IMO!) and not to worry about the drugs - they might change how you feel, but they won’t and they can’t change YOU! They’re not a personality transplant, they’re not something that you should feel any shame about, and I can absolutely guarantee you know at least 2 or 3 other people who take an antidepressant that you never would have thought of in a million years! And FWIW, although the first week might be a bit shit with the nausea etc, after that citalopram can be the dog’s bollocks! It sorted me right out (more anxiety than depression, but so helpful for both) and I have absolutely no regrets about taking them - I was also able to stop after about 6 months with no ill effects, but wouldn’t think twice about taking them again.

There’s also no shame whatsoever in feeling like this even when you ‘shouldn’t’ - as a few other people have stated - depression is an illness, and it doesn’t always occur in response to life circumstances.

And also agree that your feelings of shame and worthlessness and embarrassment over how you feel are likely part and parcel of the depression too!

Things will get better.

I feel like such a fraud. I daydream about not being here but in a very abstract, third person sort of way. I always assumed that everyone did that. I don't feel ill. I feel like I'm just a bit of a waste of carbon but I can completely rationalise that feeling; I have hard evidence! When people say "that's just your depression talking" a weirdly smug voice pipes up to say that they don't understand and I have a far superior grasp of reality of the situation.

I am simultaneously arrogant and worthless - that's some mental contortion right there.

I feel really sick today. Could be a bug, DS was a little under the weather earlier in the week.