Can't do this anymore

[LEMtheoriginal]

I can't . I'm tired. So fucking tired. I'm evil and don't deserve to be here.

I don't do evil things but I make bad things happen to people.

What's made you feel like this??

I don't know or I do but it's just so tedious and boring.

My dd1 is an adult and suffers anxiety and depression. My dd2 is 12 and already anxious.

I have done this.

Dd1 has a good partner and dd2 has DP who she adores and very quickly would forget about me.

I think it would be best for everyone in the long term. Shit for a few months but after the initial upset they would be better off.

I'm quite scared but I'm starting to feel a sense of relief

I'm not going to do anything tonight

LEM you sound at rock bottom.

You need to talk to someone, can you call 111 and tell them how you're feeling?

Please don't do anything. The people in your life would not be better off without you!

Could you talk to your partner about how you are feeling?

Cocoa there is no point my Dr thinks I have BPD you can't treat personality disorders. There is nothing they can do.

I'm laying in bed dp is cooking dinner and dd is playing on her lap top.

I feel like I'm being crushed. I knew this would happen even when I was a child I saw it in a dream.

I have to go and eat now.

The suicide of a parent is an appalling hard burden to give your DC. Please don't do it. You will be giving them years and years of pain and mental health issues. Would you poison them now? I doubt it. But your death will do just that to their mental health.

Life is fucking hard and long and miserable, often. Check out stuff on self compassion online. It helps me.

Wishing you peace

Oh bless you. Please talk to your GP tomorrow - ask for an emergency appointment and don't be fobbed off by the receptionist. In the meantime, do call the Samaritans and talk to someone in real life, if you need to.

And please don't think that I am saying this lightly. I have been where you are. Please, please don't think that your children would forget you or get over this easily. They would never never recover from it. I'm sorry to be blunt, but children of people who commit suicide are far more likely to do so themselves.

Try not to focus on the negatives. You say that your dds both have lovely partners. Yes, they may suffer from anxiety too - there is enough in this modern world to make us all v. v. anxious - but they are also able to build and sustain relationships. I bet there is more to them than that too, more that you can be proud of. That didn't happen by accident. You made them and all that they are.

We all influence the people that are close to us. You may have had negative effects on them, but you have had positives too. Hang onto that. Don't let all the good things be swallowed up by how you are feeling now. There are shit things in life. There are good things. How you deal with how you are feeling now will be a huge life lesson to your girls.

Thinking of you.

How do you know nothing can be done for BPD. My sil has it and takes medication. If you cant contact your crisis team try the Samaritans. I understand how low you must be feeling i too have mental health problems but please dont consider suicide. This too will pass. And your kids love you.

My youngest is only 12 she is the only reason I'm still here I am just so tired

Big hugs LEM. Please do not harm yourself - it is NOT better for anyone, no matter what it feels like. A friend of mine killed himself when he was 21, in part, we think, because he couldn't get over the suicide of his mum when he was much younger. She probably thought as you do now. She was wrong - children need their parents. Your kids need you.

I want to tell dp but I know he'll be cross with me

LEM you need proper help love. Unfortunately it's bank holiday and MH help is shit.

It will get better maybe just not yet.

I took the pills (unsuccessfully obviously) I really hurt my oldest DD (12) and I regret it immensely.

You can ask for a second opinion on your diagnosis if you think yours is wrong.

Your DP loves you, and will want to know how you're feeling. He won't be cross with you, he will probably be cross with the anxiety that is plaguing you. That's two very different things.

If you can't say the words out loud, write them down on a piece of paper and pass it to him.

Please try.

Lem (((hugs)))
I completely understand what you're saying about feeling responsible for your dcs anxiety.

But their world would implode without you. You are essential to them. Yes they may have mental health problems, many people do. And you are perfectly placed to support them. It's hard, really hard, I know. But they are way, way better with you around.

Keep talking.

Oh and based on everything I've read from you I'm completely unconvinced by a bpd diagnosis. Mental health professionals are not always right.

Oh, LEM, we were so sorry to see this thread and then so sad to see it was you.

As you know, when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources which we hope might be of use. You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

You very much deserve to be here and are needed, LEM. Hang on in there and tell someone in RL how you're feeling or give one of those numbers a call. And please do pop back in to chat and let us know you're ok.

Your post has made me think of an article I read today. If you do have BPD, it's not a hopeless situation, as this author (who has it) describes: www.the-pool.com/health/mind/2018/18/jenny-valentish-on-bpd-and-labels-that-only-come-in-pink

Peace and strength to you, LEM

lem we're here for you x

Thankyou everyone - I'm ok. I think it's the medication that has made me feel like this. If I am still feeling this way on Tuesday I'll let my Dr kniw xx