Can't do this anymore

[LEMtheoriginal]

I can't . I'm tired. So fucking tired. I'm evil and don't deserve to be here.

Good to hear you're OK. Have you changed meds/increased dose recently?

Gone back onto escitalopram. Wake up this morning feeling bad again - terrified

Is there anyone at all irl you can talk to today - obv keep talking here too. Can you manage to occupy yourself for an hour at a time?

LEM, for you.

Is there anyway you can get some time out? Some respite?

I know where we are there is emergency overnight accommodation for those under mental health care who feel overwhelmed as DH has been offered it before by the crisis team.

Sometimes the happy, sunny days throw everything into stark contrast. It's hard to live up to the happiness expected on these days.

But, it is a lovely day. And there may be someone who would be happy to take your daughter out for the day, and you could just hole up for the day.

What do you find gives you a sense of peace? Watching a movie? Reading a book? Sitting in a sun lounger in the sun with some music playing or an audio book?

Overthehedge - you've nailed it. The pressure to have a lovely family day is overwhelming. I'm just going through the motions but the only sensation I feel is fear and anxiety.

If you can call samaritans, they will help calm you down. They won't change anything, or make suggestions, but will maybe give you just enough to get through it. X

Spoke to dp but didn't tell him how I'm thinking of how to do this and when. My dd has a school trip to Italy in July I don't want to spoil that for her. Poor kid - she doesn't deserve this.

Dp says it will be ok

DON'T DO THIS! They will not be better off it will destroy their entire lives I promise you are loved xxxx

I know I am loved but I don't deserve it. They deserve better. It's too late for dd1 but dd2 could be happy.

I appreciate all the support really and talking here is holding me together just now. I am not going to do anything and I plan to get help but I'm really scared. I just wish this would stop

Oh LEM none of us 'deserve' to be loved. That's what's so magic about love. It just is. Whatever we do.

You are clearly troubled about harming your dd2. Whatever you are worried about a counsellor will help her to see and understand the patterns of behaviour and help her to choose her own way. Some of the loveliest people I know are those who have had tough times and worked through them. They know how to empathise with others and know that they are free to choose who they can be. (In contrast, those who live close to suicide growth up believing that whatever they do, and however much they love, it's not enough.)

Do talk to your GP on Tuesday. You know that some depression meds make things feel worse, but they shouldn't push you over the edge.

Hang on in there. And keep posting. x

I think it is the meds I'm two weeks in so hoping it's going to go off. This is just awfull

Wow - well done for hanging in there for 2 weeks! Assuming that it is the meds, things should improve very very soon - they can put you on a downer for 2weeks plus a bit - but your GP will advise you on that.

Hang on in there. And keep posting. It's what MN is for! x

I have been taking Sertraline for a couple of weeks. First few days were hell, now my body is adjusting and I am hopeful that things will improve. Hang on in there

LEM it sounds very much like its the meds making you feel like this. Did you feel like this before on it? Try and talk to your GP tomorrow and well done for talking to your DP.

LEM

I was like this going onto and coming off anti-depressants, and though I know you're on a different medication, I can at least relate to how overpowering those chemical feelings can feel.

It was only once I was through that I realised the intense suicidal thoughts were the medications making everything feel unbearably worse than it really was. Not to underestimate how terrible you do feel of course, but pills can exacerbate things and make your brain lie to you and give you these horrible intrusive thoughts.

Tell your GP and keep talking to your partner. It can sometimes help to work on something like mindfulness, acknowledging the thoughts but in a "fuck off, weird brain spasms, keep drifting along" way.

Oi misses. Please be sensible and talk to people. We only pass this way once. Your DD needs you, whatever you that is.

[sweatyhugs]

Hold on lass. It will even out and you will feel better. I know it's shit now, but please, hold on.

There is no point in talking to the Dr all she has in her armoury is more pills. I am at breaking point. Yet functioning - how can that be? It's like I'm on auto pilot and one little push is all it's going to take. I don't feel safe.

Dp just told me I'm getting him down

Where is your DD going in Italy?

lem your thoughts that you don't deserve them and they'd be better without you are thoughts created by this illness and your medication. They are not true.

Having been exactly where you are, thought those exact same things re my dad (also suffers with anxiety poor thing) I know for certain that if I were to endmy life, it would destroy hers.

What can you do to feel safer? Please call Samaritans, I have, they were helpful. Thinking of you loads.

Dd not dad...

Hi colouring - how are you doing? I have had really bad anxiety surrounding health and exams (why am I doing that to myself?) And reluctantly gone onto escitalopram again. I haven't had this before when starting so it's knocked me sidewats. Especially with the potential BPD diagnosis. I feel so hopeless like nothing will change.

How have you been getting on?

It is exactly auto pilot. The little routines, they can give us the appearance of functioning better than we really are. They're a great mask.

But they are also a way of continuing to plod on, getting through each day as it comes.

Hello sweet pea,we chatted on a different thread if you remember me x I'm so sorry you feel this bad...please find someone in real life to sit with you and keep you safe xx