Cannot cope with my baby

[Someonehelpmi]

DS is not even a week old and I already can't cope. He sleeps all day and spends the entire night crying. We've spoken to midwife/hv/doctor we just get told the same everytime. I make sure he's dry fed and burped but he only falls asleep in my arms. He cried for 8 hours straight last night, my relationship is starting to suffer and I just want to launch myself out the window. I can't cope with months more of this. Im exhausted and feel hopeless. Why/how do people do this

Cosleeping.

Sleep in the day for now, relax it won't last long, and just go with the flow for now. Don't worry if the house is messy or you haven't got everything organised etc, just do what you can and you can catch up on things once baby gets into more of a day/night routine.

It won’t last for months, OP. I mean yes, he’ll keep waking at night for months, but not crying for 8 hours straight - that’s because he’s a newborn. Hang in there. It will get better I promise.

I will reply properly later but sleep yourself durring the day. Try to get baby in sunlight durring the day, even in front of a window and keep it dark durring the night. A new born is a crisis situation but don’t need your relationship to be amazing or even good you just need to survive.

It does get better.

@makingwork ubfortunatley can't co-sleep, fall asleep in arms, use a sling as I have epilepsy that isn't controlled. Yes I'm a terrible parent cue the 'Why did you get pregnant then' brigade

It will pass soon and if it doesn't keep going back to your local midwife team. I called mine at least 3 times a day in the first few weeks. No question is silly. They have heard it all before.

It's normal as are your feelings. We'd all be dead from exhaustion if this lasted forever. It doesn't.

You are doing an amazing job.

Do you have any other new mum friends you can talk or WhatsApp (during the night) with?

You are not hopeless, it is very tough. Sleep during the day yourself as much as possible., you probably need lots of rest yourself after giving birth which makes it seem worse..what help are you getting/can you get from family/friends? Most early pictures of me and baby are her asleep on me ..also asleep.

My baby is 4 weeks old OP and the sleep deprivation has been torture at times. Do you have someone to hold the baby while you can have a breather?

Definitely sleep in the day if you can and I can't stress how great co sleeping is. On our first night home we got to 4am before I brought the baby into my bed and it's really helped with the sleeping.

I suggest co-sleeping (safely)

My first child would only sleep lying on my chest for several months and then when he got bigger, he slept in the crook of my arm. It was the only way either of us got any sleep. You could always try making him have naps in his cot/basket, or eventually gradually moving him to spend more time in his cot as he gets bigger and youre feeling less fragile, but really, hes telling you quite clearly what he needs and thats to be close to you

oh sorry, the update wasnt there when i started typing x

You’re not a terrible parent. Newborns are v v hard work but I promise it gets easier very quickly.
Is your partner on paternity leave? Can you do shifts with the baby at night?

I had a bedside cot. The benefits of co sleeping without the worry when followed correctly.

Meant I could have a hand on ds to comfort him whilst not getting out of bed. Also enabled me to not have to get up to feed as could just slide him over and burp him over my tummy.

Something like this.

https://www.ebay.co.uk/i/291981947253?chn=ps&adgroupid=52130512215&rlsatarget=pla-436429353834&abcId=1133906&adtype=pla&merchantid=115228465&poi=&googleloc=9046126&device=m&campaignid=1058844235&crdt=0&ulref=http%253A%252F%252Frover.ebay.com%252Frover%252F1%252F710-134428-41853-0%252F2%253Fmpre%253Dhttps%25253A%25252F%25252Fwww.ebay.co.uk%25252Fi%25252F291981947253%25253Fchn%25253Dps%2526itemid%253D291981947253%2526targetid%253D436429353834%2526device%253Dm%2526adtype%253Dpla%2526googleloc%253D9046126%2526poi%253D%2526campaignid%253D1058844235%2526adgroupid%253D52130512215%2526rlsatarget%253Dpla-436429353834%2526abcId%253D1133906%2526merchantid%253D115228465%2526gclid%253DCjwKCAiAAc7UBRAjEiwApCZi8Zizd2yqBlUCcmegQsGhNmLywbme8E33pMuFZDFk-eCHp3qJHBIQxoCy6EQAvDDBwE%2526srcrot%253D710-134428-41853-0%2526rvr_id%253D1451676834901

Cross post there, I see you've updated saying co sleeping isn't an option. How about a side sleeper crib? My daughter had one and i could put my hand on her chest which helped her settle.

Or have you tried putting a tshirt worn by you in the baby's bed? That way the smell of your might help them settle x

Having a new born is extremely tough, but you will get through it. The first few weeks are just a blur of feeding, nappy changes and exhaustion but it does pass and you'll get into a routine of sorts. I remember being at breaking point with tiredness when my DD started sleeping 6 hours+ at night, which gradually increased and we started getting more sleep ourselves.
I do sympathise with you very much, and if you need someone to talk to feel free to message me. Just take one day at a time and be kind to yourself. Accept help from friends and family if it's offered. Sleep when baby sleeps. Xx

If you have uncontrolled epilepsy then your partner has to step up at night. Because I'm assuming that being completely wrecked won't help.
Are you bottle or breast feeding?
Newborns are shit. I can honestly say it was the worst time of my life. But it changes. It gets better- even if your baby is high needs it improves somewhat. Mine screamed for 5 months. No shit. I hated my life. Then one day I realised I'd had a good day. Now she's 11 months and I'd love another.
Don't just lower standards- ignore standards. You need to eat, drink, rest when possible and get out even when you don't want to. Baby needs fed and changed. That's it.
And tell your midwife. I didn't and it was stupid. I should have. If anyone offers to help take it. Again I didn't. Should have!

It definitely passes. Nap when you can during the day. The crap moments are a bit like when your in labour and you think why on earth did i do this to myself...
They eventually pass and you mostly forget the bad times and you do feel better. Your definitely not a bad Mum, we've all been there. My kids as babies drove me insane at times!

Unfortunately that’s just life with a newborn. It’ll pass, but there’s no clear answer or solution except time.

So if you can’t “fix” the situation then you need to make sure you’re doing ok. Having a baby is incredibly stressful at first. Lean on people. Your health visitor/midwife, partner, friends, whoever.

This will get a whole lot better. Take care of yourself. You’re doing jogging wrong. In fact, you’re probably doing an amazing job. You’re just exhausted and stressed and dealing with a massive life change.

Could your partner possibly do the co-sleeping? At least until baby settles and your both getting some sleep?

I can't imagine that being absolutely exhausted and really stressed will be helping with epilepsy or your mood.

Have you seen those bouncer things? You strap the baby to it and it sort of jiggles. Not sure about the safety or the price, but might be worth looking into. They are supposed to lay face down, but at an angle and it's supposed to mimic being laid on the parent's body. Might be worth it just for you to get some sleep.

And if it helps keep talking on here. I'm very honest about my experience because I'd hate for another person to think they are the only one. You will be a great parent. You will cope. It will feel better.
But right now you've been run over by a juggernaut and the bugger is reversing back over you. It's ok to hate it. It's ok to ask for help. And it will get better.

Please don’t feel hopeless, none of this is your fault. I found the first days with my baby soul destroying, they were the darkest days of my life. You are NOT a terrible parent.

Fully understand reasons for not cosleeping.

Things that helped me were swaddling, a dummy, and loud white noise (played close to her ear). These things helped settle and soothe her.

Sorry pressed post too soon. Also wanted to say, that the newborn days seem like a distant memory now. She is 9 months old, and we are all very, very happy. It will get better.

What we found helped us would be for me to go to bed at 7/8pm and partner would stay up with baby until last feed at say 11pm then he would bring baby to bed and I would wake for next feed so this way we both got a nice chunk of sleep. We kept my son in a bouncy chair up until bedtime lightly bouncing which comforted him in his witching hours (screaming uncontrollably)
Everything with babies is a phase they will sleep eventually, it is fucking hard and sometimes you do feel like you're going crazy. Forget about housework, entertaining guests etc and just focus on yourself. Also could try a dummy, Ewan dream sheep. Anything to get you through the hard weeks!

My son was the same for a few weeks, they don't know the difference between night and day that young. Try and sleep when he sleeps lovely and make sure you eat and drink etc.

One of my sons was also like this he just used to scream all the time, All night and most of the day it was exhausting, Hang on in there some babys are alot harder than others, Does your partner help at all?

Hi OP,

Is your DH helping you at nighttime? I’ve got uncontrolled epilepsy aswell and my consultant told my DH very strictly that he was in charge of all nighttime feeds etc. so that I could get enough sleep. She is pretty terrifying so he agreed sharpish.

Is tiredness a trigger for you aswell? If so then if possible get him to agree to above, but definitely share it out because you need to take of yourself and get proper amounts of rest.

And don’t worry, it isn’t always like this... :)