Cannot cope with my baby

[Someonehelpmi]

DS is not even a week old and I already can't cope. He sleeps all day and spends the entire night crying. We've spoken to midwife/hv/doctor we just get told the same everytime. I make sure he's dry fed and burped but he only falls asleep in my arms. He cried for 8 hours straight last night, my relationship is starting to suffer and I just want to launch myself out the window. I can't cope with months more of this. Im exhausted and feel hopeless. Why/how do people do this

Aww honey your not a terrible parent.

Newborns are nocturnal creatures. I'm guessing that it's a survival thing from cave man days. Which isn't really compatible with life that 21st Century adults live. However dont put pressure on yourself to do anything other than eat, sleep and care for baby.

If you can delegate some of the baby care then do it.

It will slowly get better.

Have you tried your baby with a dummy? Do you have a partner?

Bit difficult to reply to everyone but I am always overwhelmed by the support mumsnetters give you in crisis, it's nice to know I'm not alone. DP does help alot, it's just frustrating and we dread the night time as we know he will just cry and cry. We try and do it in shifts but it's very hard for me to sleep through the crying. I've tried everything the internet / people suggest but he sleeps for 30 mins max at night. I cry every day then feel guilty as he's such an angel in the day.

@mayahan yes tiredness is a trigger for me, my DP is aware of that and is always concerned I'm getting enough sleep. He tries his best. Unfortunately I got let down alot by the healthcare system during my pregnancy and now. I didn't have a consultant and me or baby haven't seen any healthcare professional in person since he was born so feel a bit let down by that.

How are you feeding? If it's boob, then have you had your latch checked etc.
Quite often the constant crying is due to wind. You may find that you have to hold him a lot or burp him a lot but it will improve.the first six weeks is a massive test but you WILL get through it.
Nobody warns you about how shit it is.
Try bouncing up and down on a Swiss ball to calm him or walk up and down the stairs. Don't worry about creating habits - you can get away with anything for the first few weeks.
Also - did you have a traumatic birth? Sometimes babies struggle to settle if they had a bad delivery e.g. Forceps.
You can do this. You've done a week and survived.
I wanted to throw my baby out of the window after 3 weeks but I took it hour by hour, day by day. I went to the shops, walked round the park, even sat outside the co-op holding the pram sleeping behind my sunglasses. You can get through it, I promise. Just take it minute by minute xx

Right, I’m assuming you’re not bf due to anticonvulsant meds? (I was the same although for a different condition, which is also made worse by sleep deprivation). We also couldn’t cosleep as DH has epilepsy. Hang in there!

Assuming your partner can share feeds, shifts are your friend, and earplugs. We used to do 10-3 and 3-8 and then swap. The crying is far more bearable when you know you have a defined break coming up!

I used to stick headphones on and listen to audiobooks etc while DS wouldn’t settle on me - he was close to me and safe, but it took me out of the situation a bit and helped me remain calm.

It won’t last, I promise. I remember wishing I could give DS back when he was about two weeks old. He’s two now and I’m quite fond of him really

Oh and SLEEP in the day. Nothing else matters at the moment!

Good on your DP. I know what you mean about dreading the night but being an angel in the day - it is weird!

That’s a shame not getting to have seen a consultant. I think with mine it was mainly working out changes in medications for the pregnancy - the only other thing was an epilepsy society leaflet they gave me every single appointment, basically about not co-sleeping, breastfeeding sitting on the floor etc. I’ve got a few spare copies if you want one but it sounds like you’re doing it all right anyway!

You baby is so new and tiny and shocked to be in the world! They'll settle in. If you haven't seen a midwife or hv since being discharged then please ring them up and ask for an appointment. Failing them see your gp. I have no knowledge on epilepsy's other than knowing sleep is important. Hang in there, it really does get much easier.

Well if you're a terrible parent so am I. Mine was the opposite slept well but was screaming constantly in the day. Still very whingey now at two. Colicky? White noise app worked wonders here

My ds was the same op. Try and sleep when he does. It will get better.

You need good ear plugs for when your dp is doing the feeds. You also need to sleep when the baby is sleep during the day. It will get better soon.

@dubiousbattle we tried a dummy for the first time yesterday and it did help a little, however yesterday he for himself so hysterical he woild shake it head so violently it will fall out! We have just done out first shift, it has helped DP gets very upset though that we will not be able to sleep together but I have to keep reminding him it's not forever.

@knitfast no not breast feeding, doctor actually said it probably wouldn't harm him but I decided to just stick with formula rather than stress myself our futher

@mayhan did you find the new born stage having an effect on your epilepsy? Touch wood I've been ok so far but not sure if that's just hormones tying me over!

Will try the sleeping in the day, dreading SO going back to work.

At the moment DS is fast asleep in my arms but I know if I try and put him down he'll kick off, even to go to toilet! So it's not a case of getting him to sleep, just stay asleep

Sorry for all typos!

@someone I’m sorry you’re struggling, the best thing to remember is ‘it’s just a phase’ and repeat pretty much for the rest of your DS’s life because no sooner will you get one thing sorted he will stop doing it and start doing something else 🙄

DD slept on my chest for the first week and a bit of her life, I was worried sick for the whole time and barely slept myself. We had a co-sleeper cot which didn’t help as she wanted full body contact and then we ordered a sleepyhead. The sleepyhead saved my sanity. I could get her to sleep and then put her down and she would stay asleep. I’m not saying it was all roses after then, she still had her moments but she started doing 3hr stretches, feeding and then going back to sleep.

I feel for you, I barely left the house for the first 7 weeks because everything was such a haze but it does get better. Just sleep as much as you can during the day, forget the housework and the visitors. Do whatever you need to do to survive!

You're exhausted and you need to find a solution. Exhaustion plays havoc with the mind and cause all sorts of feelings.
Perhaps he has bad reflux? My daughter was the same as you describe and she ended up in baby Gaviscon prescribed by the Dr. It was a life changer.
Get yourself to the dr and insist something is clearly making your baby uncomfortable especially at night. You all need sleep and you need support. It's fine to feel you're not coping, doesn't make you a bad Mum, in fact trying to find a solution and expressing how you feel makes you the opposite. Good luck xxx

I would say persevere with the dummy, and try a swaddle. It recreates the feeling of being in the womb - perfect if a sling is not an option for you. He might not like it at first, but keep trying. It saved my sanity with DD!

It really will get better.

I second swaddling (safely). My baby is five weeks and initially we had the same issue as you. I can’t co sleep either due to medication I take, but a friend suggested swaddling and it’s really helping. I researched it online and bought a swaddle blanket. Really hope things improve for you soon.

Parents with new babies do they sleep together, they sleep as and when they can often at different times. Their priority is getting through another day in one piece with everyone fed and watered (and baby cleaned and cuddled). If by "sleep together" your DP means sex then he will have to forget about until after you've had your 6 week check (unless you feel like it is something you want to try).

Your baby is very tiny and changing all the time. How things are now will be different next week, next month. You will learn what to do, baby will get the hang of being outside your tummy (try googling fourth trimester). In the meantime, accept that day and night mean nothing and sleep when you can.

You are doing a great job, congratulations

This too shall pass, although it feels like an ever lasting hell right now!

You must sleep during the day, sleep when the baby sleeps is what they used to say for a reason.

I don’t think it’s normal for a newborn to scream all night long and only sleep for 30 minutes a time.

I don’t know why so many posters seem to be ignoring/minimising that fact and implying that this is just what newborns are like.

He could have an issue like (for example) reflux or CMPA or something else and cosleeping is not miracle bloody solution to that or anything else.

I’ve done plenty of cosleeping myself but it’s made f* all difference when my son was really suffering with silent reflux.

OP please look up the symptoms of reflux / silent reflux and see what you think. It might not be that of course. Either way please talk to your HV and go to the GP as I think it’s important to rule out a physical cause of the crying.

How was the birth? A lot of people say that an osteopath can help if the baby is in discomfort as a result of the physical impact of birth.

I don’t know if this is just my baby but he had a meltdown one night and had been crying solidly for hours and hours, and my mum told me to get in the bath with him. He stopped crying immediately and just sat on my lap in the water, she used to do it with all her children.
I wonder now if it has something to do with a sore tummy because health visitors recommend putting them in water when they’re constipated so probably just relieves them.

“We try and do it in shifts but it's very hard for me to sleep through the crying.”

Get some silicone ear plugs (I asked in Boots which would be most effective and that’s what they recommended!)

I put them in when it’s not my shift and it helps.

Having a newborn is HARD and without certainty a period of time where getting through it is the only thing that you should focus on.

Have you heard of the 5S's? www.babycenter.com/0_harvey-karps-happiest-baby-method-for-baby-sleep-and-soothin_10373838.bc Some people swear by it. I found it improved things but wasn't a miracle cure. My tips though are swaddle and dummy. My youngest refused a dummy at first but took when when she was about 10 weeks and it improved things drastically. Swaddling was the real key for us. Google 4th trimester. It basically reminds you that the baby has been in you for so long and the world is super scary to them and so for the fourth trimester you do need to give them lots of extra comfort.

I really do recommend swaddling. With my first I shrugged it off when it was suggested but it really was a godsend the second time around.

I dont believe I am minimising namechange, My baby didnt have reflux or any other medical problems, I think with him he struggled being in the world, Some babies do, They go from being in a tiny space where they can barely move to being in the world of vast space its all new them. I believe my baby struggled with that alot. I have lived through it so theres no way I would ever want to minimise it, Its so difficult and exhausting my sympathies are completely with the op. Totally feel for her.