Paranoid delusions

[Bhj]

Hi. I’ve posted a few times about my psychosis. I’ve been on my fourth anti psychotic, amisulpride 400g for about a month now, no improvement in thoughts. Can anyone tell me an anti psychotic that worked for them where others have failed. Thanks.

My psychiatrist said I am not allowed to drive but one good thing came out of it, I got a free bus pass so at least I’m not paying a fortune on bus fare to get to and fro. Just had a nice bubbly bath now settling down to watch gogglebox.

The type of psychosis I have means I never feel euphoria. Just terror , fear and anxiety. I know other people who’ve experienced psychosis that have enjoyed some aspects of it.

I know I'm lucky, had anxiety and fear but not really terror. I am glad I can still drive, it's just difficult making that judgment, doctors have said don't drive if you feel drowsy, or have some caffine before driving. I'm OK driving but am anxious about being awake enough to drive home after sometimes... I have to remember I'm 7 months pregnant so perfectly reasonable to take a break from driving. Free bus pass sounds great. My dad was upset that they increased the age for his bus pass before he got it. He'd just travel round the country for fun on the bus if it was free.

The free bus pass has been a godsend for me. I was spending £20 a week on buses where I travel around on them a lot. If all my friends and family are busy I’ll just spend the day on buses traveling around as I can’t be at home alone.

Sounds like my idea of hell, I get really motion sick and worried about safety (no seat belts on buses and sometimes you have to stand up before it stops otherwise you might miss your spot) , my least favourite transport. I'll go on a bus if I have to, but if its walking distance I'd rather walk. Train journeys however I find very relaxing. I know crashes are less likely.

Catching the bus is all I’ve ever known as I don’t drive and neither did my parents. I’ve had quite a productive day today. I went to the cinema with ds and since being home I’ve stripped and washed all the bedding, hoovered everwhere and mopped. Feeling a bit anxious though as dp going out with some friends later and I hate being left at night time, I don’t tell him that though as he deserves to have fun.

I was anxious last night being left alone. It's a new thing since taking meds in the evening, I'm the same I didn't tell him because it's important that he goes out and socialises. I wanted to watch a dvd but couldn't get it to work on my partners gaming computer, decided against downloading software (it plays bluerays but I'd bought some second hand old Disney dvds) as he doesn't like that (and I didn't trust myself not to download a virus) so i just watched YouTube until I fell asleep. Funily enough I was loved riding buses with my family as a child (my parents didn't have a car for a couple of years). Being a passanger in a car also makes me feel sick unless it's moterway driving, and there's fresh air. I travelled a lot as a child and the smell of old car and flask coffee makes me feel sick. Throughout my pregnancy I've not travelled much outside of my town. Trains and planes I love but cars and busses not so much. My anxiety was the worst in the first trimester after I trialed setraline, I was too scared to leave the house alone and felt trapped in the house. So glad I had my dog as I could walk him.

A couple of my friends and some family members have dogs. They keep telling me that having a dog would help massively with my mental health but I can’t even stay home by myself so the poor dog would be alone all day which isn’t fair and would just give me another thing to feel guilty about. Dp has left to go out, I’m trying to stay calm. All
Chores are done. Just
waiting for Britain’s got talent to come on at 8.

Fair enough, we actually have lots of pets, reptiles, fish and a dog. I have felt guilty and aggressive towards the rescue bearded dragon when I was unable to care for as I wanted to re home it and it scratched at the glass in a dirty vivarium when I couldn't leave the house. We got a rescue dog who is happy being left, I would not recomend a puppy, and rescue dogs can be hard work. I think thats really responisble not getting a dog. You have to really want a pet yourself. It's sad how many people impulse buy puppies then they end up in rescue. Snakes, make great easy pets as they are relaxing to hold and don't need much care. I feel guilty leaving the dog at home, and he's an on-lead dog on walks. I hear conversations where people say how cruel it is to keep dogs restricted and they'd get bored and lonley, but I know he is happy to have a warm bed, good food, excersize and a family. Now, I'm off work for a year, my dog is fed up of me being around - he just wants to sleep! Enjoy Britain got talent.

I’m feeling a bit anxious now darkness has set in and dc’s are in bed. Everytime I hear a car pull up or doors opening and closing I panic.

I felt worse with early waking, being awake at 4/5am in the winter, longer days are better. hope you keep calm until your dp gets back,

I survived the night. I was still awake when he got home so was able to relax then, he didn’t stay out too late.

That's good, I felt pretty crap early this morning, overanalising the eurovision result, Israel, Disney like UK performance, our school song was jorusulum and churches in Indonesia were bombed overnight etc. Then my husband was grumpy and didn't want to talk about even light conversation when I'd made him breakfast, just got annoyed I'd made mess in the kitchen.. he's gone back to sleep... So I've shut the bedroom door and am doing some gardening, lovely morning.

It’s perfect weather for gardening. I tried to watch some of Eurovision last night. Usually when I put the subtitles on they come up in English so I can read what the other countries are singing but last night the subtitles were in other languages so I gave up.

Other years more countries sang in English I'm sure. I'm not a huge fan of eurovision, my mum only watches the results as she finds its interesting politics... Like other reality/sports shows I prefer to just watch the highlights. Also, I have no TV, so I'm really out of touch with what's on. we decided the license wasn't worth it but I did watch the end of eurovision on YouTube, not good to go on my phone that late at night. I did like the UK singer, and the highlights of the ones with good visual effects (Germany and Estonia). Israels band was the same techno pop crap around when I was young, a bit fun but more annoying. My sister liked it because she danced like a chicken and my sister has recently got chickens. .

I didn't watch Eurovision but I don't think the security was very good as they had a protestor during the uk entry.

I've had a good week on annual leave but I've got a ward meeting to attend tomorrow & have been having nightmares about work!

The meeting isn't compulsory but it's necessary to sort out issues on the ward & I have things I'd like to bring up.

Good luck with your meeting tomorrow tierra. I work as a radiographer but hate going to the wards, their such stressful places and I normally just go at night, pushing my michine trying to both not disturb people and making sure people are a safe distance from the radiation... So I don't have good associations with them. Its OK until my pager goes off and doctors ask 'while your here can you do...' .' Nope I need an online request and a second cassette...' I used to enjoy out of hours but night shifts were a big factor in causing my first psychotic episode... can't manage lone working anymore. Suppose its more enjoyable if you work there and get on well in your team... . I normally sit quietly in staff meetings, sometimes plan to bring things up but everyone has an opinion to share so I end up not... I do say things after to senior staff and managers and they appreciate that. Often it's a nice break from work but it does remind me too much of school. Could you not bring up the issue with your manager rather than at a meeting? Try and relax this evening but I know that's easier said than done sometimes! The ward staff often find a trip to the radiology department a nice break from the ward! I should be not thinking about work now I'm off for the year but I do miss it.

I hope your meeting goes well Tierra. Thinking about it is always far worse than the actual event. Hopefully you’ll be able to get your points across.

Tierra, I got a bit obsessive today online about eurovision and the protester. He was a non violent antimedia protester who has got on stage at other big shows. I actually empathise with him a bit and it made the live performances so much better as the next line of the song was 'don't give up'. He didn't have any weapons on him so can't see the security being able to do much more than they did in such a big event. Turns out the Indonesian terrorist attack was a family of suicide bombers (4 children) happened just at the end of eurovision at sunday morning Church service. Since being pregnant I've become really sensitive to any violence or child abuse or suffering.. Listening to SuRies song (and thinking about brothers and sisters in Indonesia) has been quiet therapeutic but song is stuck in my head.

I’m the same. I can’t watch anything with violence or children suffering. Before I had dcs I could watch anything.

One of the hardest part of working when pregnant was xraying children, esspesally a brave little girl with brittle bone desease and a rod in her femur, was far more compliment than most adults with hip injuries or healing leg fractures... It didn't use to effect me much and I am good at talking to children to keep them calm and get good xrays, couldn't tolerate hearing a. Child screeming in another room when I was pregnant and thats a common stress of my job. Had to excuse myself from the room I was in and help out... I'm pretty desensitised to broken bones and traumantic injuries but everything, sharp corners, concrete slabs, stairs, high shelves makes me panic and I had flashbacks and nightmares one evening when my grandma went into hospital of stroke patients and metal imbedded in my husbands leg when he was walking past a knocked over road sign. I don't even work in a proper trauma hospital but I have seen a few hands with imbedded machinery (needles, fish hooks, and loads of broken glass) Then I stopped my evening dog walks because i need to relax between dinner, meds and bed...

Sounds like you’ve seen a lot of things in your job. Both my dcs broke their arms when they were preschool age, it was awful hearing them scream in pain having the X-ray done.

I always try and talk to the parents as is often harder for them as kids stop screaming as soon as they leave the x-ray room... if the parent is anxious the child will be more so it's best if they can come in alone sometimes but it's a grey area as they need an escort, ok if there is 2 of us. I normally ask the child first if they want to come in on their own, then see if the parent objects. Male radiographers have more objections. I did my dissertation on students confidence restraining/ distracting children for X-rays. restraint is a grey area legally, it often causes less distress to have proper restrait as it makes it so quick but training is a big issue and it looks crewl. the law is complex and they don't provide the equipment anymore. I thought I was good with children before I was a radiographer but had a lot to learn. The worst thing is when a toddler has had a blood test then comes for a chest x-ray after, completly painless but they can't understand or don't believe me. Chest x-rays are harder to get right on children than arms. I always say how quickly kids bones heal and often they find a cast quite cool. I had a really difficult girl once when I was on my own. I was trying to X-ray her collar bone but she was having a full on tantrum, dropped to the floor and beat her arms. I got just one image, asked if that was ok because I thought the amount she was moving it couldn't be broken but they asked for the second veiw, which showed up a break. I'll be fine at first aid and tantrums with my little one I think.

Anyway, I have spent far too much time online recently, need to actully do something more fun and relaxing with my freetime..

The things that hauted me were acually not kids but stories of abuse or trauma from elderly people, why they are claustrophobic...When they come in for an X-ray I'm not prepared to hear their stories, normally its small-talk. I didn;t realise they effected me that much emotionally at the time. I do have a real love hate relationship with my job, As a student I decided I'd only do it for a few years after qualifying, was thinking about changing careers but the government has offered a substantial pay rise so...

Well if they offer a good pay rise it’s difficult to turn down. How is everyone doing today? It’s been another hot day here. I had a bad day yesterday with seeing council workers everywhere I went and thinking they were there for me. Today hasn’t been so bad.