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Mental health

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Original poster

Suicidal neighbour?

94 replies

BulletFox · 03/02/2018 07:36

I'm not entirely sure how to deal with this.

He's about 20 years older than me, I've only known him since Xmas eve, admittedly his life is very limited at present. He's estranged from family/ex partner/friends (although not in a belligerent sort of way, they're frustrated) and in completely the wrong sort of accommodation, private rented up 2 flights of stairs.

I sat with him yesterday waiting for an ambulance as he'd said he'd taken paracetamol. His mobility is bad, he's now saying he has £8 left til next week.

I can help in some aspects, e.g. I could apply for PIP on his behalf, speak to his bank (he's overdrawn), try to encourage him to engage with the outside world.

I'm really not sure what to do

OP posts:

dangermouseisace · 04/02/2018 14:32

OP I've met people like the man you are describing through work (social care). They always feel someone (everyone!) needs to 'look after' them and will latch on to them and bleed them dry. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with you but have you looked up co-dependency, as I'm concerned you may end up in that sort of relationship with this man.

Social services/care services have numbers to call out of hours. He could have done that at Christmas- there would have been someone there to answer the phone. The fact he can get out his door and come and bang on yours suggests that although his mobility might be poor, not having a care service for a couple of days would not have had dire consequences (as compared to someone who has dementia, or can't get out of bed/change incontinence pads). He may well have to pay for his care service and the rates are often higher on public holidays, so many people cancel.

This man has lots of support. He's probably being encouraged to take more responsibility for himself by services and is on the look out for someone gullible who will do things for him, rather than taking steps to manage his own life.

Maybe you could write him a letter saying that you really don't feel equipped to help him with his needs and that the professionals involved in his care are better placed to do this?

Redglitter · 04/02/2018 14:39

All the services seem to think you're the main contact

Because you're over invested. Ofcourse they treat you as the main contact. You're always there

You don't need to go over today. If he needs to apply for something his carer or SW will do.it. he'll be getting the right number of visits from them again not something you need worry about so keep out.

He's totally manipulating him and you're letting him

Original poster

BulletFox · 04/02/2018 15:46

Broken yes, but in a different way.

Although I'm isolated geographically at present I have some very strong long term friendships and perk up whenever I see or speak to them. So they don't know I might be struggling as I appear happy when I talk to them, which I am.

I didn't mean this to be all about me anyway; I've started to detach from neighbour and hopefully he can have something more methodical in place in the future.

OP posts:

Springoniondip · 04/02/2018 16:54

for you bullet, I get why it can be stressful when it's right on your door, but as all the others have said, detach detach detach, I've read some of your other threads in the past and your too entangled in this mans life for only having met him recently, if I remember correctly you ended up being given his bank pin on the day you met him and then the whole shower incident too.
Detach completely, don't become his carer, don't make a list, stand tough don't be drawn back into his drama. Good luck!

FlibFlabFlob · 04/02/2018 18:58

OP throwing the empty Paracetamol packets out of the window would be an odd thing to do, and as nobody could find them and bloods were fine it makes me really sure that the only reason he claimed this was because there were no packets and no OD and it was all staged purely for attention. How manipulative.

Haff's story exactly echoes my experiences and those of others.

There are some very sad threads on here by a poster called MrsSchadenfreude which you should search for. They are essentially a much much more extreme version of your story over a period of about a year and a bit (?) involving an elderly confused neighbour and her struggle to deal with initially trying to get him help and then trying to disengage in order that the services would help, and the stress it was causing her. The threads are a harrowing read and could offer valuable insight.

I'm glad you've realised you need to disengage from this.

Original poster

BulletFox · 04/02/2018 20:01

Flib yep really wasn't sure about if he actually did or not.

I just read MrsS's (not the entire thing as it is 15 pages), wasn't expecting the death. I guess this situation is a bit different as I think he has capacity, the shower thing bothered me and yes he may well be being manipulative.

I've been out for a while anyway but thank you for bearing with me whilst I was frazzled this morning :)

OP posts:

FlibFlabFlob · 04/02/2018 23:16

Yes, that is true about Mrs S's being different with the capacity & manipulation.

Your guy having capacity at least makes it more clear cut in many ways. For example, if he continues to demand attention and you ask him to stop.

By the way, how frequent are his demands for attention?

Original poster

BulletFox · 04/02/2018 23:38

Um, well it started at 7.30am this morning. I felt intruded upon at first, then angry, then resolutely ignored it. I'm glad I didn't storm round earlier as I would have come across as being ferocious (I just wanted a quiet Sunday). Nothing happened after that.

I think I'm going to have to speak to his carer or support worker tomorrow and maybe him, just to say I'm not in a position to assist.

It did really help earlier posting and having your responses so thank you for that, it calmed me down!

I rarely get cross and it surprises people when I do, glad I didn't today

OP posts:

Springoniondip · 04/02/2018 23:43

I think I'm going to have to speak to his carer or support worker tomorrow and maybe him, just to say I'm not in a position to assist.
Honestly just don't, he'll probably spin some story, just stop helping, don't inform them, your not an employee who needs to put in notice. If they or him come over to ask, just say you can't help, but I wouldn't go tell them and get dragged into a convo about this.

WhatCanIDoNowPlease · 04/02/2018 23:57

I think I'm going to have to speak to his carer or support worker tomorrow and maybe him, just to say I'm not in a position to assist.

Please don't do this. These amazing posters are saying over and over to not get involved, just leave him alone. Read what they have written. They're not just typing for fun, they are trying to get you to see sense.

Original poster

BulletFox · 05/02/2018 00:28

Unfortunately as I got involved in the first place (my fault) I think I need to sign off on it. It bothers me a little that when I first spoke to his support worker about the shower thing she said "oh he's always been the perfect gentleman". Well he's not, is he?

It's not a big deal, I just need to say I don't have the capacity to assist as it's not my area of expertise.

Sorry that I'm taking up space, I have felt unsettled about the situation but yes he will distress me if he tries to depend on me too much

OP posts:

springoniondip · 05/02/2018 00:52

I honestly don't think you have to sign off so to speak, it's basically been a month, it's not like your a relative or a long term neighbour that needs to bow out of the situation and talk to the carers about that as you won't be visiting or whatever, he and the carers can just go back to what they were doing in December

However if you must, just keep it short and to the point, with his carers rather then directly to him, I wouldn't even mention the "not my area of expertise" type talk, just hey sorry but I'm awfully busy so won't be able to help out and repeat if questioned.

RustyPaperclips · 05/02/2018 02:37

Oh Bullet, you don't need to sign off on anything. I understand that you want to be kind and helpful, but it really isn't your responsibility. Focus on yourself, and perhaps your neighbour will then get the professional support that he needs.

Please back off, it is probably best for the both of you

proudmum4 · 05/02/2018 02:58

As I found out the hard way, don't get involved in helping neighbours unless they really want it they have to do it themselves I myself will never do that again.
I care too much but now I make sure it's just for family and close friends.

purplecorkheart · 05/02/2018 03:44

Bullet, you do not need to sign off. That is sending mixed messages, stay away, do not go back.

ppandj · 05/02/2018 03:56

Hi OP
Just to give you a perspective from a HCP, I often see these situations and unfortunately have often been the one to contact neighbours when necessary to care for someone. The trouble is that any agencies will also be trying to help this man and for them that sometimes means calling upon the friend or neighbour of the person they are responsible for, so if you do help by dealing with these agencies then you cannot detach. I know it seems harsh but you need to explicitly say to these agencies that you are detaching from this situation and they mustn't contact you. If your neighbour needs help I would contact 999 for them to liaise with crisis team/ambulance as appropriate.

It is a wonderful attribute to be kind and helpful, but when it is costing you so much then you do need to evaluate whether helping is helpful if that makes sense.

LoveProsecco · 05/02/2018 05:04

How are you today? Have you managed to stay away from him?

FlibFlabFlob · 05/02/2018 07:51

It's not a big deal, I just need to say I don't have the capacity to assist as it's not my area of expertise.

That is too wishy-washy.** You need a bit of the MN "No is a complete sentence approach".

Try "I do not and will not be caring for him and am in no way responsible for him.* Please do not contact me again". Or similar.*

Original poster

BulletFox · 05/02/2018 09:12

Prosecco I didn't respond at all at the weekend, haven't seen him.

Flib I was trying to process this and think he's looking for an emotional bond which I can't provide.

In terms of my own MH I can get overwhelmed really easily by noise and demands put upon me, some sort of methodical boundary setting training would be helpful. Quite a lot of people on here mention problems with boundaries when they feel their territory is being encroached on.

There, I now feel a bit self indulgent wittering on about myself!

I don't think I'd term it in the same way but I will put my foot down this week.

I said this earlier but it really has been genuinely useful having help from here over the weekend. Even if it is 'c'mon woman, BUCK UP!!'

OP posts:

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