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Mental health

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Original poster

Suicidal neighbour?

94 replies

BulletFox · 03/02/2018 07:36

I'm not entirely sure how to deal with this.

He's about 20 years older than me, I've only known him since Xmas eve, admittedly his life is very limited at present. He's estranged from family/ex partner/friends (although not in a belligerent sort of way, they're frustrated) and in completely the wrong sort of accommodation, private rented up 2 flights of stairs.

I sat with him yesterday waiting for an ambulance as he'd said he'd taken paracetamol. His mobility is bad, he's now saying he has £8 left til next week.

I can help in some aspects, e.g. I could apply for PIP on his behalf, speak to his bank (he's overdrawn), try to encourage him to engage with the outside world.

I'm really not sure what to do

OP posts:

purplecorkheart · 04/02/2018 10:52

Why do you need to call up? You don't. If you stop going to him he will have to get help from the people who are there to help him. Stop going up to him

Bluedoglead · 04/02/2018 11:00

You don’t have to call up.

The man wanted the op to shower him she was going to take a milking stool and do this.

Original poster

BulletFox · 04/02/2018 11:06

I honestly only meant that the wooden stool is light and I wouldn't have minded sitting outside the bathroom whilst he showered if he was worrying about falling. He only has armchairs which I couldn't have dragged through and the stool is light and compact.

I love my stool, don't knock it :)

Ok, got the message, never post about neighbours again

OP posts:

PerfectlyDone · 04/02/2018 11:08

You deserve better than to be running around after this man.

This.
With bells on.

You are of course free to post about him or not; it's more the RL situation that worries me. For you.

GlitterGlue · 04/02/2018 11:17

He's deliberately manipulating you.

By interfering with his care you are preventing him accessing care provided by professionals.

It is hugely inappropriate for you to be involved in his personal care or financial affairs.

He is a neighbour, you don't owe him anything. Yes you can call an ambulance if required, but don't engage with anything further.

If you need something to occupy your time take up a hobby. Ideally one that gets you out of the house and away from him.

Original poster

BulletFox · 04/02/2018 11:18

I genuinely didn't mean to upset anyone, I bit off a little more than I could chew. Not that I'm 'nice' or 'perfect' or 'noble' just that I don't think I can help him very much.

Someone was just banging on my flat door, sounded quite sprightly so I assume it's his carer. I stayed very still and didn't answer.

OP posts:

GlitterGlue · 04/02/2018 11:18

Ok, got the message, never post about neighbours again

No, that is not the message. The message is stop getting involved.

purplecorkheart · 04/02/2018 11:24

Nobody minds you posting. If his carer or anyone else tries to talk to you about him you must be firm and say no that you do not want to get involved and that they should contact his caseworker. If someone says he wants to talk to you say it is no possible. Do not go up to him. Do not answer the phone to him.

Original poster

BulletFox · 04/02/2018 11:26

I'm starting to detach Glitter, I didn't respond to any banging earlier or what I think was his carer just now.

Maybe they think we're closer than we are or want to pass over responsibility.

OP posts:

purplecorkheart · 04/02/2018 11:39

Most likely and you n
eed to stop it fast. If anyone tries to talk with you about him tell them it is nothing to do with you and not to contact you about him again. If he starts banging on the ceiling ignore it or complain to the landlord about noise. Stick up a do not disturb sign on your door and advise you friends to ring/text before calling around. Once he knows you will not respond he will move on.

Original poster

BulletFox · 04/02/2018 11:46

Actually I think his landlord's quite attractive! I saw him on Friday whilst the paramedics were here and he was telling me about my landlady (apparently she's quite elderly and just wanted to rent with no hassle). I was en route to the wheelie bin carrying a charcoal drink which they made him drink to counteract any effects if he had overdosed on paracetamol and I said 'this isn't mine'.

OP posts:

purplecorkheart · 04/02/2018 11:56

What you think of the landlord is no relevant in this situation. The only important thing is you establishing boundaries. You need you be consistent and straight with your message.

Original poster

BulletFox · 04/02/2018 12:20

It's an a bit of an aside that I'm actually attracted to someone. I don't know his landlord anyway, I was slightly embarassed about waltzing out to the bins holding a dripping charcoal bottle so said it wasn't mine. He probably has a wife or partner anyway.

I'll just call around later today and try to set boundaries with neighbour.

OP posts:

Bluedoglead · 04/02/2018 12:26

How you set the boundaries is by NOT calling round.

Are you being deliberately obtuse?

purplecorkheart · 04/02/2018 12:33

The start of setting boundaries is not calling around ever.

Estellanpip · 04/02/2018 12:36

You're determined to be even more involved. Ignoring the knocking on your door and calling up to set boundaries are just more ways to prolong the contact you're having with this man.
You can be helpful to people, make lists, give advice on here. You could make a difference to people's lives in a way which is safe for them and for you.
What you're currently trying to get involved in, is dangerous and too close to home.

butterfly56 · 04/02/2018 13:04

FlibFlabFlob · 04/02/2018 13:09

I've never read any of your threads before OP, but I'm shocked you're this involved with a neighbour. I agree with others that you really need to extricate yourself from this situation!

Also, the Hospital said his bloods were fine?! Sounds like maybe he didn't OD at all and just really wants some attention, including from you.

I'm agog at the shower incident too!

Also, you could be genuinely hindering him accessing services. If he has an assessment and they ask "who does X job for you" and he tells them you do then he will not be provided with any help.

Original poster

BulletFox · 04/02/2018 13:22

butterfly it's not a deliberate biscuit, maybe a mistaken one.

Flib I did wonder if he was fabricating about the paracetamol as he said he'd taken 20 and thrown them out of the bathroom window but when I went down to check if the empty packets were in the courtyard they weren't, and the paramedics leant out of the window to see if he'd thrown them further over the neighbouring wall they couldn't see anything.

Well anyway I ignored any banging today.

OP posts:

Haffdonga · 04/02/2018 13:41

Flutterby I too had a suicidal neighbour and found myself getting over-involved. It's almost impossible to extricate yourself once you start being involved because you become the one who is there that all the other services rely on. (My neighbour is a lovely, very physically frail very elderly man who became lonely and suicidally depressed after his wife died. He was not manipulative or pervy like yours sounds).

For example, when he attempted suicide and was brought home by the police, they asked if him who could keep an eye on him and he said Haffdonga and I get the police at my door asking me to go round and stay with him. So I then become the one on suicide watch for the following weeks, because I'm right there. Police tick him off their list because someone is keeping an eye out.

For example, when social services came to do an assessment on him (alerted by me) and asked how he gets his shopping and manages household tasks he says Haffdonga gets it all for me. she is so helpful . Social services tick him off their list because he is notat risk as he's being looked after by Haffdonga.

For example, when they set him up with a fall alarm whose name is at the top of the list to go round if the alarm goes off?

For example, when he did fall and hurt himself, who do you think took him to a&e because he wouldn't agree to an ambulance and waited 6 hours through the night for them to patch him up and bring him home because his local nephew was too busy-- ? Yes you guessed it.

I am not an exceptionally kind person. I frankly didn't want to be so involved but it's impossible to say no once someone vulnerable has become dependant. My neighbour's story has a reasonably happy ending purely because I wasn't there for him one day. I was away and with nobody around he rang social services again and said he was going to kill himself. Thank god they put him in a lovely home that very day for 2 weeks respite. 6 months later he's still there and happy enough. I visit him often but I'm no longer responsible for him, thank god.

Please take heed of my story Bulletfox The most helpful thing you can do for him is step right away now and let the professionals take over. It's impossible to just help someone get sorted then withdraw. There are services involved who are better at sorting PIP and supporting him than you.

Don't go round. Don't sort his PIP. Don't do his shopping. Don't check he's ok. DON'T.

Original poster

BulletFox · 04/02/2018 13:47

Haff that makes me feel a bit better about inadvertently getting over-involved, thank you.

All the services seem to think you're the main contact!

OP posts:

QueenAravisOfArchenland · 04/02/2018 13:56

his current system doesn't appear to be working and I'd like to try to ensure he's safe before I can bow out.

Do you not get it yet? His system will never be working and he will never be "safe" while you are involved, because he's quite aware that your involvement depends on your perception that he's unsafe. He will keep staging crises to draw you back in.

You need to move, and to get your own head straight as to why you need to be needed so badly. You're being played like a harpsichord.

Original poster

BulletFox · 04/02/2018 14:01

No I paid for half year which is until end May.

Apparently they're looking into sheltered accommodation for him so I think he'd move first.

OP posts:

rosegeorgia21 · 04/02/2018 14:08

@BulletFox I think you're a wonderful person for trying to help this man. It does sound a bit like he's just doing things to get some attention - or company even.. but as the others said he isn't your problem, do not feel bad for trying to detach yourself from this situation. again I think you're very wonderful for getting involved. Xxx

BrokenBattleDroid · 04/02/2018 14:22

Ignoring banging is probably for the best, although it must feel unnatural to do so.

Bullet are you perhaps a bit lonely yourself?
It can feel positive to be 'needed', even just subconsciously (as in not actually enjoying what's going on, but it feels purposeful at least).

I wonder if wanting to post about it all on here is part of that too? Nothing wrong with it by the way, and I'm not saying it reflects on you badly, not at all. Needing friendship and people to chat things though is part of human nature. You'd do the same with friends round for coffee.

I suppose that could come across as enjoying drama to some, which is perhaps why it has been interpreted as such. I don't think it sounds like you do though.

You sound friendly and kind and neighbourly, but this guy is not one you can help. He now sees you as someone to take advantage of and play. Yes he is ill and lonely, but it can't be you that helps him - you just end up in a vicious cycle of incentivisng him to do more weird stuff to get your attention. Rewarding his need for your attention in these odd ways is well-meaning of you but not helpful for his mental health, it's just going deeper into dark and unhealthy places (for him I mean).

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