I posted this already on the eating disorders talk but haven't had much response and really looking for a hand hold! So reposting this- i hope this is ok? I hope it is xx
I have had anorexia for a long time, dating back to 12 years old, with it getting serious when I was 16. I have had multiple hospital admissions, still trying to juggle normal life between them. I recently, 2 months ago came out of inpatient care after a 5 month stay. I self discharged as I didn't agree with their target weight. I do have support now outside the hospital and I know I am lucky to have that. I desperately want to start a new relationship with someone, but the anorexia and my depression constantly gets in the way. Right now, since leaving hospital, doctors are worried that my weight is going down every week. Not drastic amounts, but around half a kilo a week. My anorexic head telling me to carry on with this amazing weightloss and I'm going to withstand any future admission and just refuse it and still carry on living a normal life even if i have a very low BMI. I used to be very suicidal and have had attempts but recently luckily, those intense thoughts have subsided. Now I'm just left with depressive thoughts relating to me wanting to lower my BMI. I know there is no magic answer, and I'm constantly told 'I know the right path to choose' and to 'fight the thoughts despite them'. But right now this is impossible! I have a weigh ins every Tuesday and I'm embarrassed to say that I hope it's gone down each week. Last week (after a 3 week break over xmas, I had gone down 1.6 kg and I was happy and this is terrible of me!) I feel guilty about all of this. I know none of you probably would know what to say, but anyway just a rant and hoping for some loving support. Thank you in advance to all you wonderful mums x