should i still be crying about this 3 months on?

[traumatisedatnight]

most nights when i go to bed and switch off the light i am suddenly overcome with feelings of sadness thinking about the birth of my dd. i can't stop thinking about the whole ordeal and the feelings of despair i had when giving birth.
i am normally such a positive and calm person and by day i still am, i talk about the day easily and make jokes about it even. at night i cry. i don't even know why! i don't think it was that bad compared to what some others go through! do others feel this way? i think i'm just dwelling on it sometimes and making myself feel worse but i can't seem to get over it.

What is it about the labour that makes you feel bad? Being out of control? Or the pain?
Was the labour ok(as far as they go?!)
Is your relationship with dd good? Are you feelings towards her good?

I suffered from depression quite badly after my first. Though at first I didn't realise.
Day to day I was normal, but would find my mind wandering at night...but not about anything in particular, just sad stuff.

I am taking it you had a pretty bad birth. Do you think you may have a bit of PND?

Contact the midwives who were present at the birth. They should be able to arrange a meeting with regard to the birth, where they go through your notes and explain what happened when, and why. You can also ask them to refer you for some counselling if you want it.
Lots of people feel like this - I did!
I was actually quite traumatised by my first birth, and spent a lot of time trying to cover up how I felt.
It will get better, but I think talking about it will help a lot.

i have a fantastic relationship with dd. she and dh are my world!
the labour was longish but ok up until i started pushing. i had to push for four hours (whats normal?) and after a little while i was desperate, i had no energy and i truely thought i couldn't do it. i felt so helpless and just so full of despair - i keep going back to those feelings. at the time i thought: what am i doing wrong? why can't i do it? how can i do this? i was so exhausted i felt barely conscious of anything and the contractions were on top of each other. The pain was bad, of course, as it must be for everyone, but i don't remember that now. i just relive those emotions and the feeling that it was the worst day of my life. I ended up with a 3rd degree tear which was a bit shit (literally - lol!) but healed up ok.

thankyou, i had thought about speaking to the midwife but felt i'd left it a bit late. feel like i'm making such a big deal about something that every woman must go through!

you're not making a big deal out of it at all. giving birth is a massive experience in so many ways, and your midwives will be quite used to requests for follow-up support - no matter how long after the birth it may be.
good luck, and I hope you feel better about things soon.

Have a look at the do you wish you had a csection thread that is around at the moment, lulumama gave a couple of good links for peope who have had traumatic births.

thanks woman, i'll get in touch with mw - i do feel that i have some questions about it. don't think its pnd though.

lucy - thanks, i did read and post on that yesterday actually and checked out lulumama's links. didn't feel brave enough to phone up though. mn is a bit of a comfort zone i suppose! i'll have another look at the bta i think.

I suppose it's all about realising the pain was all in good cause (dd). She is the product of what you went through.

Just try and put yourself past the pain, and to the end of your labour when that lovely little girl was placed in your arms.

You were not a failure for struggling at the end of your labour hun. You went through a very traumatic experience. You had a baby. YOU did that. you brought your little one into this world naturally and by the sounds of it did a fantastic job.

I was told after DD was born that it can take months, up to a year for the normal hormones to belance themselves after birth, without breastfeeding. If you are breastfeeding, it will take longer. With these hormones wizzing around your body, lack of sleep if baby is not settling, major upheaval, it is perfectly natural and common to feel down for a while after your LO arrives.

I wanted a home birth but due to minor complications I had to go into hospital, I gave birth naturally with no epidural but due to placenta not coming out on its own I needed an epidural afterwards to remove it. I was exahusted due to time and loss of blood in the hope it would come out, so although I BF DD immediately after she was born, I could not do it for a couple of times after theatre (and she needed to feed milk due to low birth weight). I could not reach over to her and hold her when I wanted for a while, and this was the main reason I wanted no epidural.

I felt terribly guilty for a while. It did not cloud my experience of first time motherhood, but it did wonder into my thought alot about whether I would bond as well, how it did not work out as perfectly as I wanted, and how I wanted it to be perfect and did this mean I had not given her the best start?

I knew none of this was true, and I kept talking positive thoughts to myself and in time the negative thoughts were drowned out by all the wonderful positives. I continue to breastfeed now, my DD, DP and I are wonderfully happy and although I still have wistful pangs of regret, it is in passing now.

Long winded I can never do short! I just wanted you to know that its ok to feel this way, as long as you can try to put it into perspective in time, if not then seek some help to do this, thats ok to do too.
xx

had similar thing with the epidural as i was determined to just have gas and air for the labour but had to have an epidural/spinal anyway for the tear repair in theatre afterwards.

Traumatised - i know how you feel about feling like this even tho it was a fine birth. Looking back now, I really think I had a great birth. I put the epidural bit to the back, it was nothing I could help so I dont dwell on it, and if it pops into my head I remind myself of that. However, it took a good few months, and 3 months is not really that long. My DD is 9.5 (ARGH almost 10) months old now, and the negative elements of my birth are gradually being replaced with all the positives, like tea and toast when it calmed down for half hour, hearing DD cry for the first time.
Initially, I went over everything I could have done differently. I did not get to hear the music I wanted when DD arrived, I did not get to use the waterpool, I did not use my birthing ball, I did not push hard enough (although I bloody well did!), I wish I had bigger veins then the oxitocin would have worked and thus no epidural...all things that are seemingly irrelevant but for a while afterwards upset me a bit!

Is it the fact that you had an epidural that makes you feel sad? Or just, hard to explain sad?

You are not making a mountain out of a molehill, your feelings are valid and natural.

As long as you are feeling able to cope with these feelings?

don't feel at all sad about the epidural now, although at the time I was sadly resigned to the fact that I had been through enough and a bit more wouldn't hurt (which it didn't because of the epidural!)
The things that gets me still is my desperation for those hours of pushing, i honestly didn't think i could do it. i know that i did and everyone said well done etc etc but i just go back to that feeling again and again. it makes me feel so... i don't know!.. helpless, raw, un-heard, in need, desperate, alone, weak

I think in some ways, it is normal to feel like this about the birth, esp if it was a bit protracted like yours and I certainly felt that way. After all, if you want to get philosphical about it, it's the nearest thing to mortality that you will experience whilst living, giving birth to a new life. However, I would talk to the midwife, get some support to help you deal with this. Certainly wish I had.

ranting - i guess you are right, and thats why you must feel alone despite a room full of people. thinking about it now I can try and see that as a positive side, that it was me and dd in it together, the most intense experience. god knows how she must have felt lol! [teary smile]

BTA

i can only second all the great advice you have had. and would also suggest getting in touch with the above site, the birth trauma association, and you can get in touch with a peer support volunteer

also, might be wise to go through your notes with a midwife , there might be a midwife who specialises in this

or contact the patient liaison team, PALS, at the hospital , they should be able to advise

thanks lulumama, will look at bta again, feel like i should meet some sort of criteria to qualify for 'birth trauma' though! I know that is stupid really.

no, no criteria needed !

i had an emergency c.s, which was not the most traumatic thing, and yet affected me so deeply and so badly , i had PND for over 4 years, triggered by the birth.....

it is so subjective, and it needs addressing, and good that you recognise that it needs taking in hand...

night time often worse, as you have time to think

you are sooooo not alone feeling like this, and you are completely allowed to feel this way for as long as you need to. i had a bad birth (again though there are plenty worse) and dwelt on it for months. then just as i was getting past it 3 friends had babies (all positive experiences) and that set me off worse than ever. I'm pretty reconciled with it all now but it does take time. I always think the "but it was worth it" argument is a bit lame. Of course it was worth it but if i spent the rest of my life with hot pins in my eyes to make ds OK it would be worth it - would still be bloody painful though. take care and congratulations on your dd

helloooo vitomum...

'it makes me feel so... i don't know!.. helpless, raw, un-heard, in need, desperate, alone, weak'

I think you've described it very well. I felt like that and I didn't push for as long as you. I desperately wanted to give up and kept saying I couldn't push. Afterwards I lashed myself with guilt even though I knew it was irrational. I couldn't stop going over it in my mind for months.

I found it helpful to see my notes (a long time later) with comments like 'R* doing brilliantly' and 'coping well'.

But maybe it isn't just the birth - being a new mum can make you feel weak, desperate and needy in a way you haven't before. Have you told your dh how awful you feel? Could he give you a bit more help or support at night - like making drinks or sandwiches for when you have to do night feeds?

eemie, lol at the thought of dh making a sandwich at 3am! seriously though, he is very supportive. he's always saying 'talk to me, tell me how you feel, wake me up if you need me' but i don't know what to say to him really. he knows exactly hw i feel, i can't just keep saying the same thing to him. he suggested i should try and get some help.