This is going to be a rant. I’m sorry but I have to get this OUT.
I am 35 years old and I am a fuck up, a huge fucking fuck up artist.
I have dyspraxia and dyscalculia (diagnosed in my 20s) I think I might have some form of ADHD too but my GP will not entertain it.
I am also in pain physically in one way or another all the time, muscle, joint, skin?! I am also a fucking whale, I weigh 20st and have a disgusting over hanging belly, I’m enormous all over really awfully disgusting to look at.
I have fucked up my life and no doubt I am fucking up my kids lives too, I’m sure I have caused my DPs depression though he says not.
I gave up a uni course twice because I couldn’t cope due to my SPLDs and possible ADHD, I have £40,0000 in student debt and nothing to show for it.
I am in £10,000+ debt for pay day loans and catalogues, I have 4 CCJS and more on the way no doubt because I just ignore all letters that come through my door and have done for years.
I don’t answer my phone because it’s usually debt collectors.
I got us stuck in the renting trap because I gave up a HA property due to years of mould and disrepair (I should have just paid out of my own pocket to fix the place up because it would have been cheaper than the situation were now in) I’m such an idiot all the fucking time, I make bad choice after bad choice and don’t realise my mistakes until long after I’ve made them.
I constantly drop things and knock things over, I can’t remember fucking ANYTHING all the fucking time!!! I can’t even remember my children as babies!!!!! I forget to write things down so miss appointments or I fucking misread times or misjudged time scales and end up late I fucking hate being late!!! I’m a bumbling clumsy fucking liability all the fucking time and I can’t take it anymore, my house is a shithole of clutter and dirt because I can’t be bothered to clean it I’m fucking lazy and thick and don’t even realise there is mess or dirt half the time until it’s got so bad that I panic and think WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?!! ok to be fair to myself I am getting better with this but it’s still not good enough.
I hate my landlord so much that I didn’t inform him of the leak coming from the bath down on to the kitchen ceiling, I just kept putting it off and off to the point it’s too late now, the ceiling is ruined and he will go absolutely batshit at me and he frightens the life out of me. I have to pay for it to get sorted but I don’t I just let it get worse.
My beautiful lovely children get a mask every day of a happy stable Mum who smiles and cuddles them but inside I’m a wreck, an absolute mess, my brain just won’t focus on anything, I constantly make mistakes, I can’t do a simple fucking task without somehow fucking it up and I can’t take anymore!!!
Today I was sitting on the sofa and somehow managed to bang my head on the wall as I was getting up (don’t even ask me how! Because I can’t tell you) so hard that I cried and now have a huge lump next my temple, I lost it with myself, absolutely lost it because I can’t fucking be this person anymore, I can’t do it, I can’t face waking up to another day of being me!!!! I AM A FUCKING LIABILITY TO MYSELF AND OTHERS. I need locking up in a padded room or throwing off a bridge.
I’m so sorry if you’ve taken the time to read that I know it’s fucking pathetic and embarrassing but if didn’t get that out I think I might explode.
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