Irrational thoughts

[ohsobusyx3]

Sorry - long post - nobody to offload to.
I’m a SAHM and have been for 11 years. DD, DD & DS are now 10, 7 & 5.
July16 we left the UK for DH job & now live overseas. We have a good life with no real worries health or financial - cushy life from outside BUT I am not coping!

On many days Iife is ok, I am ok but there are becoming too many when it is not and I am not and the dark thoughts swirl. I am losing it with the children disproportionately and then struggling in depths of despair over my crushing love for them, wanting to be everything for them but knowing I am not and cannot be. Thoughts of leaving in many ways pepper my conciousness.

I am finding myself home more often than not, avoiding people & places. I see the slippery slope ahead and do not want to head down it.
I worked so hard to get off medication - I’ve been on it all. It took 18m & I was free in 2015. I had been on meds since getting PND with DD1 in 2007. I would rather not go back to them. My clarity of thought now instead of the AD fog is something I value even if the thoughts are bleak! I have not seen any form of counsellor for many, many years. I last saw a psychiatrist in around 2008/9.

It’s not expat/away from home stuff that needs addressing but my long term emotional state. There is a whole pile of crap from my chilhood that I had filed quietly away until having my own children shook the box!

I am completely alone here. I have no support from DH. We do not have that relationship. In fact truth be told we have no relationship. It’s a farce. Something I rarely admit to myself. Has been for a couple of years. There is no emotional nor physical connection at this time. We should be separated really. What keeps us together is circumstance & responsibility. Which is true bollocks. We are both unhappy. I do love & care for him but do not know how to connect. It seems it has been too long. I know he does not care for me in the sense of well-being, respect etc. I had this revelation about 3 years ago. I have been too weak-willed to walk away. I should be an example to my daughters, to my son and be strong. Stand on my own.
Now we are all, DH too, trapped here in our guilded new home.

What a fuck up! 😕

Speak to your Dr tell them the above. Maybe therapy instead of meds? Or different meds?

I can relate to the childhood stuff hidden in a box, is that chipping away at you? I'm also a SAHM and my husband working and living overseas. I think you need to sit down and have a think about your 5 year plan. Where do you want to be in 5 years from now? How do you hope to achieve that (sounds deep I know but it may give you some sense of direction right now)! I have never taken AD however probably should have many times. Why are you reluctant to go down that route, it may be worth talking to your doctor at least.

Yep, I hear you on the childhood stuff, mine has come to light strongly this year although I have been on and off depressed for years. There are some external circumstances I can't change so I have been trying to work on my internal world, through counselling which is a long term solution, and antidepressants which I needed in the short term but am trying to come off now. I think you need a place to get all this stuff out, do you write a journal at all? I would strongly recommend therapy. I feel trapped too and it is very empowering to feel that that has been heard by someone else.

Ps Also, therapy has completely changed the way I relate to my kids, I no longer have those ranty, seeing red, angry flare ups at them, I no longer go to that place with them. I am not telling you that to show off, just to say that that is a massive difference for me in my relationship with them, I hated that part of myself.