It's never going to get better is it?

[NoFucksImAQueen]

I thought once I started studying I'd be able to handle them better but it just makes me not want to be around them even more. I'm alone with them today, tried to get them ready to go out and everything's just hard and Iv ended up flustered and in tears. Kids are now all in their rooms and I'm crying.
I'm fat because I just stress eat and I hate myself. I just don't want to do it anymore

It can get better! It sounds like you may need counselling. This is probably just a 'rough patch'. Everyone has them at some point. Try to set out a strict routine/structure your days the night before or even a week in advance. Get lots of exercise (this is something you can do with your kids) and remember to do something fun every day/week with your kids (this doesn't have to cost a lot of money, maybe just going to the park or on a long walk, or spend an afternoon doing crafts together, etc). Spend time on yourself too on something you enjoy (long bath, manicure, reading a book, etc.)
Don't give up hope! There is (free) help available and it CAN get better!

My depression was caused by a chemical imbalance when I was pregnant with my third so I don't know what I'd even say on counselling. I don't find walks or the park fun because they don't listen. DD is nearly 2 and Ds are 6 and 3 so the little2 run off in different directions. I'm just fed up of feeling like a maid/slave/ piece of shit.
Dh works a lot and even now I get to escape to college 3 days a week I still have to deal with them alone for 3 days including Saturday which is the worst

A chemical imbalance should have been treated, and if it was not I would highly recommend you speak to either GP or a counselling service. Don't worry about not knowing what to say, an experienced counsellor/GP will know the right questions to ask.
Is there anyone that can help you with the children (family, friends, etc). Having 3 small children is tough for anyone, but getting the right treatment for yourself will help. Have you talked to DH or family/friends about how you feel?

What do you mean by treated? I'm on medication and they do help a lot usually.
I don't really have any friends but my mum and dh both know how I feel and my
Mum is good at helping when she can but she works full time.
I'm feeling better after a sleep thank god. I just kept crying yesterday and barely left the sofa. Felt so guilty that the kids did nothing but watch tv all day

I really do understand OP. Can I ask which medication you're on? I had to try about four or five before I found one that made me feel somewhat better. Also, are you in contact with your community mental health team? I have found them to be brilliant when I struggle. Don't focus on yesterday...you tried to get out, you didn't make it but at least you had a go. I promise you, things will get better with the right support. Not everyday will be brilliant and there may be more crap days than good days to begin with but focus on those good days. And most importantly, stop beating yourself up. Focus on your success s each day, however small. For me it was things like getting a load of washing done.

I wish it was to begin with, Iv been ill since pregnant with DD and she's nearly 2 now. Iv had stages where I felt completely better and then days where I go back to my worst point. That's why it's getting to me, because I feel like I'm always going to Come back to this.
I was under the perinatal team till DD was one but then they discharge you.

Oh sorry I'm on sertraline. Iv also been on imipramine and another one I can't remember the name of but that gave the most horrendous side effects like extreme sensitivity to light and a really strong aversion to black and white patterns

Oh sweet, I truly do understand. I've been there and although am feeling better, I still get bad periods that have me thinking that i really can't cope anymore. I've just started some cbt therapy through the mental health team and wonder if this may be something you feel would be an option? I've found the medication works to a certain extent but isn't a cure. You've got 3 little ones...anyone would struggle let alone someone with depression and anxiety. I'm angry on your behalf that you were discharged so readily when clearly you still need support. I truly think you need to make an appointment with your dr ASAP and tell them that you are struggling to cope. Would your mum go with you? Emphasize that you need an urgent referral to the mental health services and please don't let them fob you off.

They should not have discharged you, but rather they should have referred you on to another service. Also, using medication alone will not help you. There are lots of therapy options available. You might have to try a few different things to see what works best for you, but please don't give up! It will get better!!
Please make an appointment with your GP tomorrow. Don't let them fob you off. There are also free services you can use if you need to before you see your GP (I know it usually takes a few weeks to get an appointment with my GP.)
Mind: www.mind.org.uk/information-support/
Relate (family help): www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-family-life-and-parenting
Samaritans: www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you

These services are free and can provide support/advice if you need it.
Stay positive OP! It will get better!!

Thank you both, I really appreciate your kind words and taking the time to reply and share information with me, will try and get a gp appointment x

I'm so glad you're going to phone and make an appointment. Please let us know what they say...you deserve a happy life as much as the next person so be insistent that they help (with more than just tablets). It may help to write down everything you're thinking/feeling during a bad spell as when you're having a 'good' day it's all too easy to forget how bad things can be. Take the notes with you to the appointment (I did this and just thrust my scribblings at them to read).