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Mental health

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Original poster

To ask for your help with my relationship with my daughter

31 replies

SuzukiLi · 14/08/2017 16:27

I have a DD who is 3 in a few weeks and we just have no relationship. I love her, and I would die for her but I just find myself wishing she wasn't here. She's lovely. She never tantrums, never cries, has a beautiful heart and soul. I just feel like such a shit mum. I find it such a huge struggle to sit down and play with her, or go out and do things with her. It's just us, her dad isn't involved. I just feel like she deserves so much better. I have BPD and I do have my bad days but even in my good days I struggle. I don't know what to do because she deserves the world and I can't even give her a smile most days!

OP posts:

mamatiger83 · 14/08/2017 16:31

I didn't want to read this and run, but I did want to say you should give yourself some credit for being brave and saying something about the way you are feeling. It is really hard having kids and it is often taken for granted that you feel this overwhelming rush of love, sometimes it's hard for any number of reasons. You say you have bpd which I fear may have 'makes' pnd, though if I'm wrong I apologise. I would suggest speaking to a gp if that's at all possible. It will get better xx

mamatiger83 · 14/08/2017 16:31

*masked not makes

Gingernut81 · 14/08/2017 16:38

I'm really sorry you feel that way. Do you have any mental health support in place where you could find help? What about seeing your health visitor or as pp said your GP?

Original poster

SuzukiLi · 14/08/2017 16:45

I went to the GP when she was about 10 months old as I had just left an abusive relationship and I knew I had PND. The doctor said they would take my baby away so I never got any help as I just left.

OP posts:

mamatiger83 · 14/08/2017 16:50

It has never been my experience that a child would be removed from you because of pnd, it's just not done for that reason. It is disgusting that you have been left feeling that way and unable to access the help you need. I had pnd after having my dd and had similar worries as a result that I was a bad mother.
Would it be possible for you to see someone different?

Original poster

SuzukiLi · 14/08/2017 16:51

I did complain to the surgery at the time but I was fobbed off so never followed it up.
She's just so amazing and deserves so much better!

OP posts:

MatildaTheCat · 14/08/2017 16:55

May I say very gently that you may have heard your GP say your dd would be taken away but this is probably not quite what they said? Maybe something along the lines of DC in DV situations could be at risk of being taken into care if no changes are made?

Please, please go and seek more help. If your DD is developing well and is a happy little soul then you are doing a great job in hard circumstances. Seeking help is considered to be a big plus. Your HV and GP can both offer you help and support.

Not sure if you are referring to Bi polar or borderline PD but either way please reach out for help and take one day at a time.

mamatiger83 · 14/08/2017 16:56

What about support you receive for your bpd, can you speak to someone about how you are feeling?

RaininSummer · 14/08/2017 17:07

You must be doing lots right as a Mum as your daughter sounds lovely. I don't have any real advice but I hope you can find a way to enjoy her more. They are little for such a short time. Being on your own probably doesnt help as it can be such a grind.

Original poster

SuzukiLi · 14/08/2017 17:11

I haven't seen anyone for my BPD for a while. I probably should.

OP posts:

PollyFlint · 14/08/2017 17:25

OK, first of all, it sounds like your daughter is doing great and is a happy, well-adjusted little girl, so you've obviously been caring for her really well. Don't tell yourself you're a bad mum. You're not. You obviously love your daughter very, very much - and I can assure you that your daughter knows she is loved. You have done a brilliant job bringing up your daughter with no help.

Secondly, you should definitely go back to the doctor. If you were treated badly by your previous GP, register somewhere else and see someone new and tell them everything - the fact that you left an abusive relationship when your little girl was a baby, that you are looking after her on your own and that you had PND that wasn't treated - and that you have BPD too. There is help out there. Nobody is going to take your child away: you said yourself that she is a happy little girl and that you love her. There is absolute no reason why they would need to take her away as she isn't at risk.

Thirdly, if you had all the upheaval of having a baby and finding the courage to leave an abusive relationship within the space of 10 months, and have also been coping with BPD, it is absolutely not surprising that you're finding things hard. Anyone would find things hard in your situation and it actually sounds like you've coped better than most people would. You've been through an awful lot in three years and you've been amazing.

Please please please see a doctor and get the proper help that you deserve.

HeyBigSpender · 14/08/2017 17:29

You've obviously got a lot of strength coping with everything that's happened in the past few years and care for and love your daughter very much.

I can only echo what other posters have said - time to go back to the GP and make sure you're getting the right treatment. Are you able to pay privately for counselling at all? You could also ask the GP to be put on the list for talking therapies as well, though it might be a bit of a wait.

Mittens1969 · 14/08/2017 17:31

I would really encourage you to ask for help, it really shouldn't be like this. I can tell you that I'm on anti-depressants and suffering from PTSD because of past trauma, it really doesn't mean you're going to have your DD taken away. But if you get the help you need then you will come through this.

You've done so well to come out of the abusive relationship you were in so you're definitely stronger than you think right now.

Original poster

SuzukiLi · 14/08/2017 18:09

I just don't understand why I can't even sit and do a jigsaw with her! I know I am depressed at the minute. I can't even get out of bed in the morning to do breakfast at a decent time

OP posts:

contrary13 · 14/08/2017 18:17

OP, my daughter has BPD - and whilst she doesn't (yet) have a child, I do know that there is help out there. When was the last time you spoke to your care co-ordinator/counsellor? Your Psychologist? They are your first port of call and there will be help available to you, even if just The CRISIS Line (which is "open" 24/7, from my experience).

No one is going to take your baby away from you.

But they will help you.

I left an abusive relationship before my daughter was born, and was diagnosed (wrongly) with PND, on top of bipolar, 21 years ago now. If I managed to "keep" my child, then you will, too.

What about family support? Friends? I can't quite credit that there's no one you can talk to/trust in this situation.

Asking for help, is the right thing to do - not only for/by yourself, but also for/by your daughter. You both deserve support and, OP, as "unMumsNetty" as this is, I just wish that I could give you a hug and tell you that the only way is up, that you deserve happiness, that your daughter is going to be okay, just so long as you keep loving her and asking for help.

Just because your GP apparently shut one door to you, doesn't mean that they all are.

PM me if you need to.

swingofthings · 14/08/2017 18:17

If you were such a rubbish mum, she wouldn't be such a lovely child. She is obviously happy and you are obviously doing a lot more for her than you think.

Not all mums love playing with their kids and taking them out, making exciting noises about animals, or pushing them on a sling. I never cared so much about all those things and started to enjoy sharing things with my kids when they are able to have proper conversations.

They are things I enjoyed doing with them, mainly visiting new places and teaching them about the world (I was telling them about what insurance and mortgages was all about at the age of 4!) but I never really enjoyed reading them books (only occasionally), nor cooking with them and playing on the floor with them even less. Some of it I did force myself and must have done ok because they never showed sign that they noticed, but the rest, I accepted myself as the mother that I was.

Must not have been so bad because they are now lovely teenagers, happy, friendly and ambitious.

I'm sure you are a great mum too in your own way.

Original poster

SuzukiLi · 14/08/2017 18:23

I was crying in bed the other night and she pulled my head into her chest and stroked my hair and wiped my eyes. She's 2! She's just incredible but she shouldn't be doing that for me. I should be doing that for her. As horrible as it sounds, i start uni in September, and i think o let really seeing her in the evenings and at weekends will be good for us. We will both get that break from each other then

OP posts:

diamond49 · 14/08/2017 18:46

A. child who is too good is not necessarily a good sign.and crying onto her chest? Do you realize how frightening this would have been for her ?, No wonder the poor little mite darent put a foot wrong.sort yourself out op before you screw her up

contrary13 · 14/08/2017 19:03

What diamond says.

OP... if you have BPD - please access the help which is out there. It's 24/7, they will listen to and support you. Where are your parents in this? Other family members? Friends?

Your baby needs support to deal with your illness, too, especially as she grows up. Which she will do. How are you going to cope when she's a pre-teen/teen who is furious at the world in general and you, as her sole parent, at large?

My daughter doesn't even have a child, but we've already had to draw up a contingency plan for if/when she does - simply because a child deserves to be precisely that. A child. Not a caretaker. Not someone who rescues their parent when they're in the midst of a breakdown. My daughter may well be more fortunate than you, in that she has family to help... but if she didn't? Well. There's help out there. I know for a fact there is. Have you tried to access it, or did you give up at the first hurdle?

You can't do that when you're a parent.

The Early Help team in your area might be a good place to start. They won't take your daughter from you, but they will be able to help you support her. Because believe me, if you can't cope with a child... you won't be able to cope with a child and university.

Genghi · 14/08/2017 19:06

Are you on your meds? Your posts suggests not, or that you need to change your meds. If you love your daughter, get to your GP NOW.

mamatiger83 · 14/08/2017 19:51

@Genghi that was not a helpful comment

Original poster

SuzukiLi · 14/08/2017 20:19

No I'm not on any medication. I didn't mean to cry on her, I was crying when he snuck in. She's just such a little beauty. I'm trying to make plans with friends who have kids so I can start going outside with her again and doing things.

OP posts:

WeiAnMeokEo · 14/08/2017 20:25

Suzuki please PM - I'm also dealing with a long term MH condition similar to yours and have experience getting help - I think people who haven't been this position find it hard to believe how ignorant some GPs can be (MH rotation isn't compulsory for GPs so many have no training despite being the first people most of us with MH issues see. Having them as gatekeepers has got worse and worse with the cuts, but seriously - no one will take your daughter). I would be very happy to talk you through it. I totally recognise what you're saying and please believe me that there's light at the end of the tunnel with the right help. You've been so brave to leave the abusive relationship and keep going this long. Your relationship with your daughter will improve with help, and YOU deserve better than to feel like this.

Sending tons of love xxxx

dollydaydream114 · 14/08/2017 20:26

SuzukiLi You definitely, definitely sound as if you are clinically depressed. Agree with what others have said - see a doctor ASAP. You don't have to suffer like this. If you didn't feel comfortable with your old GP, see someone else.

Imaginosity · 14/08/2017 20:34

Don't feel bad a out not doing jigsaws and things like that. I find them so boring and try to avoid things like that but it has made no difference to my children. They do plenty of that in school. Just do things together that you do enjoy - maybe walking around a shopping centre looking at things together or having a movie night with pizza.

Medication made a huge difference to me when I felt depressed. It took a few weeks to kick in but it made me 'normal', which felt amazing!

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