To ask for your help with my relationship with my daughter

[SuzukiLi]

I have a DD who is 3 in a few weeks and we just have no relationship. I love her, and I would die for her but I just find myself wishing she wasn't here. She's lovely. She never tantrums, never cries, has a beautiful heart and soul. I just feel like such a shit mum. I find it such a huge struggle to sit down and play with her, or go out and do things with her. It's just us, her dad isn't involved. I just feel like she deserves so much better. I have BPD and I do have my bad days but even in my good days I struggle. I don't know what to do because she deserves the world and I can't even give her a smile most days!

The only problem with BPD is sometimes medication used to treat depression can make it much worse so im too scared to try them! I just want to get better.
My crisis team appointed a CPN to me but he was off sick on one of my appointments I haven't heard from them since. I know i need to phone them but I get so anxious talking to people on the phone.

I've just phoned my mental health team, in tears, saying I desperately need to see someone and they won't come out. The woman just said she will send some sleep stuff in the post and I can't get a doctors appointment today. I don't know what to do as my CPN is still off sick.

Hi there OP,

We're so sorry to hear you're struggling at the moment.

We hope you don't mind, but when these sorts of threads are flagged to us, we like to link to our Mental Health Webguide and Postnatal Depression page, which have some helpful advice as well as links to sources of support.

We're going to move this over to Mental Health shortly

OP i also have BPD if you mean borderline. I too have no connection with my 2 ds's been trying for last 15yrs but nothings there. its not your fault its the illness. I can say don't feel guilty but im crippled with guilt everyday and its hard not too feel that way - the guilt causes my depressed moods and the cycle goes round and round.

im annoyed at posters telling you to 'sort yourself out!' you lot can DO ONE, you don't understand. you don't tell a borderline to sort it out. struggling with relationships is one of the hardest of all the strains in borderline its not a choice OP cant just snap out of. also Meds have no effect on BPD they may dent the sides of depressive mood but nothing helpful.

OP I too was worse on meds, they sent me manic. I went to the therapist again on the 8th aug who finally agreed im better off without the meds and has referred me for DBT. which ive heard great things about on here.

regarding your DD being taken away. I have social services involved with my case as my 2 older boys are due to live with there dad once he gets his housing sorted. I called them myself begging for help to give them a better life. I have a younger dd and if they felt she was in danger she would not be here. so PLEASE don't stress and ask for help, your DD wont be taken. she sounds lovely and your doing a great job. talk to me if you need to x

I managed to see my GP today and she's given me some medication to try so I'm going to see how it goes. I'm just so exhausted and ready to sleep even though I haven't even done anything today! I can't believe how bad my mental health team have been and my GP is going to contact them. She's also going to contact a health visitor to see if there is any additional support I can get with coping with my daughter.

So glad to read you've made a positive step today op, you should be proud of that.