i feel its the only way to get rid of this pain

[happyfrown]

I hurt so much it takes my breath away, I don't know where I belong. I can handle life stresses. I feel sorry for the kids being snapped at cos I cant deal with anything. its on my mind everyday, I cant go to a&e theres no where safe to put the kids, I don't want to die I just want this pain to go away. I don't even know what the pain is. it just hurts my head and makes me want to leave.
this is the only place I can come to talk. no one understands me. I have no one to talk to, I don't want to be locked up I feel im no longer in control scared every day im not going to make it.

I'm sorry you feel this way. I really don't have any advice except standard stuff, GP? CPN input? There will be no quick fix. Stay strong x

I understand. I've been there, and come out the other side. You can cope with this and survive.

Please, talk to us about it.

Hello happyfrown, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

to you, happyfrown.

how did you make it through
Ive given up thinking I will ever get better im trying to get kids to the right places before I go but Im struggling to get them there. its taking too long but I don't want dd to go anywhere cos she relies on me but im loosing strength to keep going for her and to look after right without snapping or shouting. im just scared

Of course you're scared, it's fucking terrifying. Your mind is betraying you & you don't know which way to turn. It's an absolute bastard.

I got the right medication, that's what helped me. Are you taking anything? Are you under medical care for your depression?

I know how desperate you feel, I really do. But (it's cheesy but it's true) life is so wonderful and so worth living. Think of all the milestones your children are yet to reach - how proud will you be at a university graduation, a wedding, first grandchild??There is life after depression, I promise you. I'm living it.

Please keep posting, I am here to listen and talk.

I have borderline personality disorder
the meds kept making me manic, decorating and making things, buying animals, keep fit it went in phases and cycles. would spend 12 hrs fixated on researching, building, exercising going to bed with the next project in my head. kids were sidelined and basic caring feeding and cleaning and back to my project. I cant go back there

the health team keep discharging me

i feel so guilty i cant offer them more happiness. no family i cant make friends or cope with people in my home im too anxious i don't go out much we are all lonely and its my fault

Oh love. I don't know what to say as I am in a similar position but I just wanted you to know someone understands.

It's not your fault - you are unwell. Please try to be kind to yourself. There's not much else we can do.

thankyou i know im un helpable but it just helps having someone listen theres no one else to talk to

Sending you love and support

Keep talking to us x

I bet you're not un-helpable. The mental health team discharging you doesn't mean you're un-helpable, it means they can't help you because there are no services due to budget cuts and general fuckwittery. Obviously that's not helpful but please know it's not you.

I really should sleep now but will come back to check thread tomorrow xx

thankyou for talking it kept me distracted till I was tired enough for bed.
my last course didnt make a dent in my mental health, 16wks and no difference. I just cant be here this miserable. they tell me im too hard on myself but its how I feel. I see my reflection in the window whilst sitting out in the front garden yesterday and felt absolutely disgusted how I look just so ugly and miserable looking. I went in. cant be seen outside looking like that.
I keep feeling I need to write some letters but I don't want to have that feeling

You poor thing, you sound so low. They are right, you are being too hard on yourself, although I know it's much easer to say than to believe... One of the things I've found helpful is to imagine if it was a friend who felt like that, or even a child (maybe this more approprite if you have trauma going way back to childhood). Think about what you'd say to them and how you'd treat them, and try to do that to yourself. Sort of being your own parent/carer/whatever. Honestly I will say to myself (in my head!) "we're just going to make a nice cup of tea... thats it, well done..." as if talking to a child... and wrap myself in a big duvet, again as if comforting a little one. It feels daft at the beginning but can really help.

I only have 2 friends, one was abused by her dad and pretty much holding on as much as me. the other mate has on and of down times. we support each other as we all understand, I say to my older friend how strong she is with what happened to her.
ive been cleaning and walking on my tread mill to keep my mind busy, ive put dd in a holiday club today and tomorrow. I feel awful for feeling I wanted her to be somewhere else but I don't have the energy to play games. its horrible feeling seeing her so lonely too.

I mean mental energy.
sounds bad that I have energy to clean and walk on tread mill, I mean mental energy. oh still sounds bad!

She won't be lonely in holiday club. You need help and support. You say you had 16 weeks help. Out of a lifetime that's nothing. You're not unhelpable. But you need a strategy. Are you under a crisis team or can you go back to the GP? You must seek help.

I feel bad I cant be there for her, to keep her entertained. my older too keep busy with computer/ phones. but dd prefers company.

yes 16wk course and 2yrs ago a year of CBT which also didnt help much. it took nearly 2yrs to get the gp to help instead of sending me away with AD's. after the cbt they discharged me (2015) then it took a further 2yrs, 2 refusals from IAPT to be accepted again for the 16wk DIT course which finished in june.
I asked about crisis or cpn, that other posters on another thread suggested - but they told me only psychotic people get that?

ive been seeking help, taking everything offered since 2011. in early days when gp took me seriously I was seeing mind before they lost funding.

ive got an appointment with the assessment team on 9th aug. don't know why. been there, to see psych. got to refill forms again. so they've probably took me off the list. im going in circles.

ive got early intervention team also with me regards to my elder 2 living going to live with their dad.

I try to keep up beat, but it just doesn't happen. they don't understand how much I hate myself, how I look, feel, who I am, how sad I am. how defeated I feel. I have NO nothing, self esteem, confidence, self worth. nothing seems to help. I have no family and the only family I do have (my dcs) im giving up on! a big part of me feel like I deserve all the pain for that reason alone. that's a big chunk of the issue. that ive had dcs and cant cope/ cant bond. they all I got and that's how I treat them. I should hang myself.

my only 2 friends are supportive but have their own troubles.
when I read that back im pure waste of breath.

You have held on this long, you can hold on a bit longer

Depression does this, crushes the very spirit out of you and takes away all of your self esteem. Anxiety makes you doubt everything, look for the worst case scenarios and scare yourself with them.

You are not defined by the depression or the anxiety. You are you and underneath all this pain and sadness, you are still there.

This is likely to be a stupid question but have you tried antidepressants? Sometimes our depression and anxiety is at such critical levels that I think only medication can bring us down enough to start working on beating them.

Your life is not always going to be this way. Your life is not worthless. I am in the grip of a severe depressive episode, my second, and it's been agony, I have asked myself what is the point, but the point is in our children. Even as an adult, I need my mum and my children will need me in adulthood too. They are the purpose. They are the reason.

Go back to your GP, psychiatrist, write to your MP. Do whatever you have to. Just keep fighting.

Can you write it all down? If you say what you have written here they won't just send you off with pills.
You're not a waste of anything. This bastard illness just makes you feel like you are. I'm sorry but your friends don't sound like that can actually help much. You really do need professional help.

ive been on self destruct since childhood got harder when I had little people to then look after. sucks all the energy out of me. its not their fault.

the antidepressants made me manic. I still get impulses but they are no where near as bad. one example (on ADs) was I need a dog, a specific dog that happened to be 5hrs away there then back. had to have it, thought wouldn't pass my mind until I had it. (would cure me and all that apparently my ex says) made ex dp drive us to get it, few months later when phase passed I had a crash with the stress of having the dog! rehomed the dog that has repeated 7 times I wont name the other animals but theres been many. that's just one phase. exercise, decorating, cleaning and making stuff is the others. that's on the ads.

I keep telling myself the illness is making me not bond with people stripping me of feeling and emotions but it doesn't help. it doesn't help me feel like ive damaged my kids and this cycle will run again when they have kids.

ive told them most of this wolfie. they just say I too harsh on my self, I need to find a hobbie and go out. I cant even concentrate on my kids let alone a hobby. they don't listen.

my friends are there, they make a cuppa and listen but they cant do much to help to change my mindset.

Hi Happy,

Do you have certain triggers? Please do consider either calling or emailing the Samaritans. I know it might seem flippant or doesn't have much meaning but your happiness is incredibly important and even if you don't know it or don't feel it's true you are important to people. You really do matter and if talking helps there's lots of support and ears here.

I don't notice triggers, the last therapist says its my lack of self worth and dealing with people? how is that a trigger? she kept telling me to challenge my thoughts when I suffer anxiety when out and talking to people. the last lot of therapy is more or less a blurr now cant remember most of it. its like my memory just wipes away after every day.

my ex used to tell me when I was going hyper or about to crash. he knew and I would swear blind he don't know nothing. but he was right. I used to talk loads and be abit bouncy/fidgety but I thought I was having a good mood then shortly after I would start on one of the projects etc. on the way down I couldn't even follow a recipe my concentration was blank.

ive called Samaritans before. it helps talk and of load my stress and relief that my poor friends don't have to hear it this time. but it only takes my mind off whilst talking on the phone. then im back to my thoughts.

sorry ive turned this into a moan.

You're not moaning, your sharing very real experiences. How long have you felt like this?

since childhood.
I remember telling my mum my head feels weird and not being able to feel stable. always either hyper jumping about, cutting up clothes to make a collage is what I remember then. then scratching my skin till it bled when I felt low. going out hoping some one would beat me dead! i didn't know then it was depression but i used to lay out side my mums bedroom shaking. saw shadows, thought i could talk to dead people. complete nutter. weirdo was peoples favourite word for me, they said i act funny?

got worse when I had kids, struggled to deal with the 'mum' friends my anxiety hit the roof. having an income meant I can buy things, not that I have money I live in overdraft.
my head is a mess, i cant have cupboards full of too many things, can only have enough cups,plates I need. If the food cupboard starts get too full and food too close to the edge I don't like it I throw things out. its ridiculous kids toys get thrown out too much stuff in the room. prob other things cant think of right now.
but then when i get an impulse i buy multiple stuff cant control my own head.

house has to be clean - unless i was on a 'making something' project it would over power the clean obsession. until it passed then i would be in pieces at how messy the house had got. its so stressful.
spent 3hrs (if i remember right) hovering few months ago, thought i was going to drown in cat hair, had to bleach everything. kids couldn't touch any thing. cat of 4yrs went during that episode

if it talk to any one, even my friends soon after i leave or go home i start attacking my own head with thoughts of why did i say that, or did i overstay, did i look weird when talking, my face is ugly how can they look at me to talk, i question everything. tell myself i cant speak to them or go out again, i do but with built up anxiety.

Go back to your GP, you are entitled to help and you most certainly deserve it.