i feel its the only way to get rid of this pain

[happyfrown]

I hurt so much it takes my breath away, I don't know where I belong. I can handle life stresses. I feel sorry for the kids being snapped at cos I cant deal with anything. its on my mind everyday, I cant go to a&e theres no where safe to put the kids, I don't want to die I just want this pain to go away. I don't even know what the pain is. it just hurts my head and makes me want to leave.
this is the only place I can come to talk. no one understands me. I have no one to talk to, I don't want to be locked up I feel im no longer in control scared every day im not going to make it.

i did, gp just offered antidepressants. the IAPT said they will do one follow up appointment in sept from my 16wk course. took 2 yrs to get the last sessions because they said id had too much of their services and they have no more to offer?

sorry im ranting on. im grateful for all their help. i don't want to sound ungrateful. its no ones fault im a mess. i appreciated all they do even if it takes 2yrs or arguing. and i know people have worse things to deal with. i just sound awful.

You really don't deserve this, you don't. You certainly don't sound awful, you sound like you're bearing the weight of a terrible illness for which you have desperately tried to seek help for and have been let down. I'm no expert, far from it, but reading your posts it sounds as though you may be battling more than one illness. For example, you have described obsessive behaviours which could be a sympton of OCD. You mention that this started in childhood, can you remember if something happened then to trigger it, like bullying at school? I have no personal experience of them but could the charity SANE help? Please understand that no one here or in RL will think you are unhelpable, worthless, waste of space or any of those things your illness is trying to trick you into believing. Like pp have said, keep talking, you matter.

i was told it all comes under borderline personality disorder. there is more than one illness with that.
i just read a thread a few lines down from mine. some one asking about BPD a poster added a link which i looked at and just felt overwhelmed with the amount of things that i do. at the end it said bpd has no cure.

then the dread came back when i actually remember one of the psychiatrist telling me the exact same thing and that i have to manage to live with it

cant remember when it started. i use to pass out a lot as a child, its a family problem. i passed out one time and cracked my head open. cant remember much before that i don't think. i just remember fending for myself, having no one to talk to. feeling alone. im pretty much numb of emotions like my mum was growing up.

remember was bullied at school and constantly put down by my mum, nan and sister and cousin that was in class at school.

i felt comfortable in my own company but lonely.

keep on keeping on OP - I felt like you did nearly 2 weeks ago - one night I nearly ended it all just before turning to some wonderful people on here for support - they picked me up and with some help from the samaritans I'm back in the game. Depression is a monstrous thing to live with, but with the right support and meds if you would like to use them, you will turn the corner. I promise. Reaching out for help is the best thing you could have done. We've all got you

thankyou, everyone has been so nice. im surprised anyone wants to talk after what ive said.

i usually feel so down, self harm and slowly function through. but lately it all feels too much, too pointless. it scares me to have thoughts ive had 3wks ago during the day id made up my mind that i need to write my notes for my dc. i just wasn't there anymore

its not going to get better. when the boys leave it will hit home that ive completely failed them. they will end up like me. its the cycle in my family. theres nothing but loneliness infront of me, i cant magic a family for them. remaining dd will lose her brothers typing this isn't helping.

You have failed nobody.

You have the power to change this - you don't know what the future holds, you can break the cycle one small baby step at a time.

First things first you need to either call or text or email samaritans this evening and they will be able to offer you some very good advice.

2nd of all, you need to get yourself back to GP tomorrow and discuss your options again.

Thirdly - remember you aren't on your own, treat yourself kindly and patiently.

But you can get help. You deserve help. You can break this cycle. It's the illness that makes it all seem too much and pointless. It isn't. It really isn't. It's the illness that makes you wonder why people are nice. Why wouldn't we be? Can you write it all down or go to the GP with someone to be your advocate should you need it.
You deserve help. You are worth helping. This can get better.

thankyou for being kind and talking x

You deserve it. You deserve to feel better. X

How you doing OP? X

haven't been that good and think i might be tested to the brink soon. my 2 oldest dc will be leaving me on fri to go with their dad. although i don't have a good bond with ds's it just proves that i failed.

It might be a good opportunity for you to have a break and be kind to yourself? Have you visited your GP?

had an appointment with the access assessment team today, again. seen them before. I don't get all the names and places, some people understand whos who better - I just get confused and turn up for the appointment!

he was the only Dr who has listened he also agreed that the meds wont help with my history of them making my symptoms worst. it was like a break through that some one believed me/agreed with me.
he is referring me (again!) to get some therapy. but he says theres a chance of not being accepted if 'who ever is assessing me' refuses. which has happened 2 times before I was accepted for my last therapy course which ended in june. so im not keeping my hopes up
thanks you all for being so kind to talk.