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Mental health

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Original poster

I know I should feel happy its healthy BUT

75 replies

Baysmum · 08/03/2007 14:46

Feel like crap here and I DO know Im lucky to have a ds and another healthy baby on the way BUT just had 20 wk scan and its pretty obvious its another boy. Feel so upset - have surprised myself, I did have a preference for a girl but didnt realise Id feel this upset to be having another boy. DS1 fairly young and all I can think now is that I dont want a baby at all, cant cope and dont know how to get back on track. Have been suffering from depression (post natal I think) and this seems to have just finished me off. Any ideas PLEASE??

OP posts:

calebsmummy · 08/03/2007 20:12

Two boys, especially with the age gap you will have is fab! Loads of fun! They will be best friends from an early age and have so much in common throughout their lives.

I have 3 boys (4 really as my forst was still born) so really have no hope of having a girl, but I absolutely love having my boys. I have to be honest and say that I wouldn't mind a daughter, but I wouldn't swap my boys for one!

My 2 youngest are 2 years apart (to the day) They are 2 and 4 and adore each other. They have a ready made playmate all of the time and now DS3 is a bit older they play wonderfully together.

Boys are great!! Straightforward. You know what you are getting with them.

mainlymayday · 08/03/2007 20:21

Try singing "Two little boys" by Rolf Harris - you'll be in tears and hopefully it will remind you what a lovely relationship brothers can have [sentimental smiley]

SidtheKidsMum · 08/03/2007 20:22

Please don't feel bad about how you reacted to the scan. It's another one of those out of my control moments. Maybe just go with it and let yourself feel sad for not having a girl this time? Don't beat yourself up about feeling bad about it.

I've always loved little boys! They are just so brilliant. I have a DS and would love another. To me they seem a lot more straight forward than girls. They are demanding, but there is just something about them. And other people are so much more understanding about bad boy behaviour - not right, but I think it's true.

Take care of yourself. Your DS1 is going to be thrilled with a brother.

Original poster

Baysmum · 08/03/2007 20:53

Sooo nice to hear reassuring stories. Just been on the phone to my sis trying to explain myself! DH is looking at me in that scared/confused way just trying to work out what to say that wont upset me - just dont know how to cope right now to make myself feel better, dont want to see anyone as I cant stop crying

OP posts:

frenziednester · 08/03/2007 21:03

Hey Baysmum - completely sympathise, but the other way around - I am pg with third and found out at 20 weeks it was a girl when I desperately wanted a third boy, in fact i started a thread on it called 'grief over sex scan result' which had some really helpful posts on it. It took me a good 10 weeks to get my head around it, but I am so glad I dealt with those emotions during pg rather than when confronted with the baby and I am sure it will help prevent a relapse into pnd. Give yourself some time pet - these are real emotions and they need to be worked through, not just stiff upper lipped and buried. Cry and cry for a bit is my advice - once it is out then you can start looking at boys stuff.

Original poster

Baysmum · 08/03/2007 21:15

Wow, so you already have 2 boys and wanted a 3rd?! Wish I could understand that train of thought as so different from my own feelings. maybe as it is because last time was so aful I just wanted it to be as different as poss this time. I'm doing well on the getting it all out front anyway - look like an alien from crying so much!

OP posts:

2Happy · 08/03/2007 21:18

Your CAT got to me!!
Emailed you.

frenziednester · 08/03/2007 21:20

I know, I feel the same sense of puzzlement at people wanting a girl, but I just meant I can SO identify with the emotions you are going through. I am only 3 weeks away and although I am a lot better than I was, I still secretly hope there will be a little willy waiting for me in that first cuddle. I was very honest about what I felt with everyone who asked me, and there were some (OK, lots) of the 'you should just be grateful she's healthy and that you are pregnant' brigade (which of course we are), but what surprised me were that there were an awful lot more who confided that they too had struggled when they found out the sex was not what they had secretly hoped for.

frenziednester · 08/03/2007 21:23

just picked up on something else from your last post - I was terrified when pg with DS2 that the same awful experience would happen too (first year of motherhood not one I want to remember) but something that helped me was when I was told, no matter what the sex you will never have your first child again, you will never be a first time mother again, and your children will be different. DS1 and 2 are chalk and cheese in every respect apart from one - they adore each other.

Busybean · 08/03/2007 21:27

When I was pregnant with ds1, everyone was convinced I was having a girl-not one person thought he was a boy-he was born, I was happy that I had a baby at all.

When ds1 was 20months I had baby2 and again everyone thought I was carrying a girl, I was also convinced, anyway when he was born in the pool, I lifted him up and saw that he was a boy and to be totally honest, I was really dissapointed.

I really wanted to have a girl but the feeling of bitter disapointment with ds2 didnt last very long at all.

Now ds1 is 3 and ds2 is 15 months and its fab to see them play and chatter together and play with cars and get muddy together in the garden etc etc

I would love a girl one day, but to be honest I dont think I would have anougher baby if I couldnt be sure it would be a girl, the boys are great, but if I had anougher I would have to keep having them until I had a girl

I think that youre at an advantage that you know now thats hes a he, so your not getting your hopes up, with me I was so convinced they were girls, it was quiet a shock when they were born and on hindsight it was probably just wishful thinking on my part

2Happy · 08/03/2007 21:31

[sorry, BTW, ds2 fallen asleep so I'm going to get to bed, so long as the bugger doesn't wake as soon as I put him down , but I'll check in tomorrow. Hope you get some sleep x]

sweetkitty · 08/03/2007 21:31

hiya baysmum - I think your feelings are only natural I believe whenever you find out the sex part of you always grieves a bit for the child you won't have if that makes any sense. I have 2 DDs 18 months apart and it is great I think having 2 the same sex is lovely when I was younger I would have loved a sister instead of a brother and I'm sure your DS will love having a brother too.

I'm about to ttc no3 in a few months and half of me wants a boy half would love a little girly gang, oh it's probably 51-49 for a boy if I'm totally honest, more as I know DP would love a boy as he's getting outnumbered. I would like to know what it's like to be a mum to a boy as well if it's different to being a girly mum.

I am sure once you get your little man in your arms you'll wonder how you could ever possibly be disappointed with him.

nally · 08/03/2007 21:36

my sis and i have always been close, shared everything with eachother and knew all of eachother's secrets and dreams. we used to share clothes and everything.

we were pregnant at the same time back in 2001. dh and i decided to have a scan to see what the baby's sex was.. we were expecting dd1. was so excited! i begged sis to find out if she was having same (had ideas that our two would be as close as we used to be), but she refused and said she 'felt' that it was a girl and that was enough. anyhoo when i got the phone call to say she had had a baby boy by c-section and all was well, all i could feel was disappointment. and i felt terrible for feeling that way.

i still wish sometimes that she had a dd, but she has decided one baby is enough and her ds is a real cutie. he and our 3 dc are all very fond of eachother.

Original poster

Baysmum · 08/03/2007 21:53

Wow, just been reading your 'grief over sex scan' thread F, its amazing how many people feel so strongly on this subject and I cant help thinking how in my mum's day there were no scans at all, never mind sex scan results - was that somehow better? - still confused! Can just about manage to be logical abouth this boy thing and then a massive wave of illogical grief just floors me again. And the thought of a little willy inside me (so to speak) - YUK!

OP posts:

frenziednester · 08/03/2007 21:57

I think people still felt as strongly, you do hear lots of people day 'my parents really wanted a boy/girl, and were disappointed with me', so i do think it is better to know and try and get your head round it, but it does take time. I couldn't look into boys prams for ages after the scan - in fact I cried so hard during the scan that the people in the waiting room thought I had had some really dreadful news. I have to say, your distates at the willy is about the same to me when I think about the whole pink thing - sorry, I am trying to empathise, but may just be making things worse.

Original poster

Baysmum · 08/03/2007 22:04

Not at all - and as I said the thread you started really helped too. Its just wierd how we feel the same but want opposite things!! Maybe we should swap - can you hang on a bit!!

OP posts:

frenziednester · 09/03/2007 09:07

no probs!!!!!! I would say 'give me a willy any day' but that raises all sorts of oedipal issues if it is ANY comfort at all, my DS2 is much easier than DS1 in every way.

Original poster

Baysmum · 09/03/2007 09:15

People have said that to me but dont want to get hopes up! My DS was a diff baby as he had colic but has a v sweet temperament so feel it is my turn to get a naughty one. Also expect that this one will be a fiery red head (DH is and amazingly DS is blond like me)! Not to offend red-heads but they are often more..spirited!!

OP posts:

frenziednester · 09/03/2007 09:24

now you will think I am completely freaky but I would LOVE a red headed child!!!!!!! I think it is a beautiful colour and would dye my hair if DH hasn't got the bigotted view that all ginggers smell of wee and has threatened to shave my hair off if I do......

Original poster

Baysmum · 09/03/2007 09:26

I was actually disappointed that DS was blond as I had got right into the idea of a red one! Never had a thing for gingers til I met DH and now Paul Bettany etc - phwoar! Its an aquired taste!

OP posts:

frenziednester · 09/03/2007 09:47

ooh yes- my first two bf's were redheads, and even now I go misty eyed thinking about them. I would have loved long red pre raphaelite curls myself, but not to be

edam · 09/03/2007 09:58

I was shocked to discover I was having a boy but got over it and spent third trimester cuddling my bump - hope you do too.

Original poster

Baysmum · 09/03/2007 10:03

Thanks edam, am already better than yesterday. Trying to bond now, just wierd as not what I was imagining for past 20 wks

OP posts:

jetjets · 09/03/2007 14:14

Message withdrawn

yellowrose · 09/03/2007 14:42

Oh Baysmum, 2 boys togther will be lovely. I have friends who have same gender kids, they get on so well !

I was actually desparate for a boy, when I had my second scan and they confirmed it was a boy I was over the moon.

I think it is because I hate pink and love cars ! I was a tom boy when a kid and my best friends were boys and male cousins.

Now I get to put lovely non-pink colours on ds and we play with big trucks and cars all day, it's fab !

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