Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Mental health

Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

Original poster

I know I should feel happy its healthy BUT

75 replies

Baysmum · 08/03/2007 14:46

Feel like crap here and I DO know Im lucky to have a ds and another healthy baby on the way BUT just had 20 wk scan and its pretty obvious its another boy. Feel so upset - have surprised myself, I did have a preference for a girl but didnt realise Id feel this upset to be having another boy. DS1 fairly young and all I can think now is that I dont want a baby at all, cant cope and dont know how to get back on track. Have been suffering from depression (post natal I think) and this seems to have just finished me off. Any ideas PLEASE??

OP posts:
2Happy · 08/03/2007 15:32

Oh Baysmum, we (mums) do punish ourselves don't we . Nothing like motherhood for making us feel guilty about every natural emotion going... This must be particularly hard for you if you're depressed to begin with anyway. It's hard to know what to say, except what you're feeling is ok, it doesn't make you a bad mum, and it will get better. If you need to chat, I'll happily chat on here, or you can CAT me if you like, if it helps to talk to someone who's felt the same xx

TeeCee · 08/03/2007 15:32

I'm so so sorry you feel this way Baysmum and really hope you turn a corner soon.

All I can say is that I think having 2 of the same sex is lovely, really lovely. They'll be really close and play all the same sorts of games together. They'll go drinking together and share mates. They'll phone each other for ideas on what the hell to buy you on mohters days and birthdays because they'll both be crap at ideas. They'll come to you for advice and make you feel all jelly legged when they say 'thanks mum' and kiss you, they'll make you so proud when they turn up on Xmas Day with your wonderful dauhgter in laws and they'll be all tall and strong and make you feel safe and incredibly happy.

You're a very lucky lady and I'm sure you'll be able to see that for yourself soon. Hope it's not too long till that happens, and it WILL happen.

Much love - TC x

kks · 08/03/2007 15:32

I am the opposite as you cause i have a girl and if i had another one i would want it to be a girl again so they were sisters. I always think if you have two children its better if they are the same sex. I find a brother and sister don't always get on that well if its just the two of them.

Original poster
Baysmum · 08/03/2007 15:35

Thanks 2Happy and TeeCee, you have (all) unbelievably made me feel better - and I have cried for most of this morning - though I have to say those last 2 posts nearly set me off again. 2happy, I wd love to CAT you - must find out how to do it!

OP posts:
TeeCee · 08/03/2007 15:39

You can CAT by clicking on the little envelope in the blue strip withthe posters name on it.

Sending you massive hugs >>>

2Happy · 08/03/2007 15:41

Ahh, that's what the envelope means! YOu can also use the toolbar at the top of your screen.

schneebly · 08/03/2007 15:48

I have 2 DSs who are 17 months apart and they warm my heart every day with the way they are together. DS1 is so patient with DS2 and helps hims to do things and DS2 just idolises DS1! They share a bed (out of choice) and I really wouldn't have it any other way!

I must admit I would have liked a DD and have no idea if I will have/can have more but I wonder if my children would hvae been as close if they were different sexes? I am glad they have the relationship they have.

I am sure that it has just been a bit of a shock for you initially and having PND will not help matters but given time things will improve for you and you will see why 2 little boys together are so special. xxx

hunkermunker · 08/03/2007 16:04

Aw, Schneebly, that's lovely - how old were they when they started to share a bed? I thinK DS2 would love to do that now (he ADORES DS1) but DS1 is a bit more...er... "Gerroff!" about it all

schneebly · 08/03/2007 19:07

Ever since we got rid of DS2's cot and changed to a toddler bed hunker! He was maybe 18 months and a climber so we got him a little toddler bed with a rail to go alongside his brothers bed and when we left the room he would just climb in with DS1 - now we just put them to bed in the same bed and the teddies sleep in the toddler bed lol

Original poster
Baysmum · 08/03/2007 19:19

OH GOD, just found out a friend has just had.....a little girl...of course she has. Feel v jealous - why arent I a nicer person.

OP posts:
2Happy · 08/03/2007 19:28
  • it's nothing to do with nice or not, please don't be so hard on yourself. I feel jealous of my own flipping sister who's due a dd in just over a week. I feel bad for feeling that way, but I know it's not personal. I also know though that she wouldn't understand - I think unless you have a real wish for one flavour, but don't have it, I think it is really hrd to understand. I've tried talking to my mum, but all she ever wanted was girls and she had 3, and i knw she doesn't quite get that it hurts... all she thinks is, you've got 2 healthy babies you should be grateful, and of course she's right, so many people would love to have a baby full stop etc etc, and i am grateful...just wistful lol!
do you have any siblings? i wondered if having dsises coloured my desire for girls. also i haven't had the smoothest relationship with my mil, and her family only ever produce boys, and i wondered if that made a difference. clutching at straws! what about your dp/h, hve you told him how you feel?
Original poster
Baysmum · 08/03/2007 19:32

Hi 2H, I CATed you earlier - i think. I have got a sister and 2 brothers, though my mum frequently tells us she would have liked 4 boys - cheers! MY brothers are both married and tend to (naturally) be a bit closed to their wives' families, while my sister and I are both pretty close with my mum. MY MIL is the least maternal person in the world and has....3 boys, I know it sounds horrible but I def dont want to be like her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Baysmum · 08/03/2007 19:38

Oh and DH knows how I feel (well I did cry for 2 hrs), dont think he knows what to say. He knew our friends had a girl early this morn but was too scared to tell me!

OP posts:
2Happy · 08/03/2007 19:43

not got it yet, baysmum, but my virus scanner is often overenthusiastic and can hold mail up for up to a day!
I know what you mean on both counts - i def do not want to be like my mil. i do get on better with her these days, but the day before our wedding - having refused to contribute to the costs except flowers - she gave dh cheque for a third of the cost and told him to spend it on something that would last . I worry about my dses growing up and getting married and being a mil, because i don't want to be her. plus neither of my dsises have sane mil's, so there is definitely something about mils!
also me and dsises all are really close to our mother whereas dh's family is more standoffish. i would love to hve a relationship with a dd like mine with my mother, and fear that it can't be the same with a ds (and if you are close to them that seems to guarantee you the dragon mil label!)
you alwys hear people saying a dd never leaves a mother, but dses leave them for their wives, and I just hate hearing it, even if it';s a pile of shite...though it's possible i worry too much, lol!

Original poster
Baysmum · 08/03/2007 19:49

I know, it feels ridiculous to worry about these things that are so far off BUT I've given up a lot to have a family and I dont hik its so nreasonable to have some preferences for both now and the future. I spose we have to remind ourselves that these things dont always work out that way and we could end up with nice Dils. Im now trying to find out the name of friends baby, if it is the girls name I had picked out I will go fully insane!!!

OP posts:
hunkermunker · 08/03/2007 19:52

Oh, I can't wait to be a MIL to a girl and get it right

My mum's future DIL calls her Mum (and my dad Dad) so I know there are some decent ones out there. Well, one at least!

noonar · 08/03/2007 19:54

hi baysmum. mum of 2 girls here- and guess what? i'd love a little boy!!!

i totally understand. i do think you've you've done the right thing finding out the sex. at least you can process your feelings before baby comes along. i didnt find out, and was taken aback and guilt ridden about my 'disappointment' when dd2 was born.

she's so gorgeous, i love her to bits, but feel sad that we will prob never have a boy.

2Happy · 08/03/2007 19:55

oh god, a friend of ours had a dd 4 months after ds1 was born and knicked our dd name - know she knicked it because iona's not exactly a common name is it?
we will break the mould and be the best mils ever!! (besides, my mother once walked in on dsis's dh starkers, and she went a bit bonkers around other sis's wedding...so girl's mums aren't perfect )

SoupDragon · 08/03/2007 19:55

Baysmum, you'll be fine. I felt like this when I discovered DS2 was a DS at a growth scan shortly before he was born. I am so glad I found out early because I would have hated to have felt any sort of disappointment when he was actually born. And of course I fell in love with him the second he was in my arms.

DS1 and 2 are great together, almost exactly 2 years apart in age. When looking through photos of them together not that long ago, I realised that a brother was the best "gift" we could ever have given DS1

2gorgeousboys · 08/03/2007 19:56

I felt exactly the same - I have Dstepson (12) DS1 (7) and DS2 (2) and cried for a week after my scan with DS2 showed I was having another boy but.. I am really glad that I found out at the scan stage because by the time he was born 26 weeks later I loved him for him and now I wouldn't change my boys for anything. If I had not found out I think I would have spent the first week of my baby's life crying and sad and that would have spoilt things.

Original poster
Baysmum · 08/03/2007 19:56

Hi N, think you are in a minority as lots of women want a daughter in my exp. Can I ask why you wanted a boy? Was it cos you already had a daughter?

OP posts:
pinkchampagne · 08/03/2007 19:57

Sorry to hear you are feeling upset after your scan, Baysmum.
I am pretty certain your feelings will change completely the second you hold your newborn DS in your arms though.
I am the mother of two boys & wouldn't have it any other way!
Much as my two are totally different personality wise (couldn't be more different, even if they were boy/girl), they are great company for each other & share a lot of the same toys. Infact DS1 said to me the other day "I am glad DS2 wasn't a sister because they play with horrible Barbie girl!"
Honestly, it is lovely having two same sex children, they are real company for each other.
Oh & as for the sons being less close to their mums than daughters - the reverse is true with H & myself...he needed to be pulled out of his mothers house at 29 & that was only because of a lot of pushing from my estate agent mother!!

SoupDragon · 08/03/2007 19:59

BTW, there is no sense to these feelings whatsoever. I found out at the 20 week scan that baby #3 was a girl and I was scared witless and wished she was going to be a boy!! I still feel rather like she's a little alien and she's 12 months old now...

2Happy · 08/03/2007 20:02

God it's so nice knowing so many people have felt the same way!

noonar · 08/03/2007 20:08

hi bays. i was desperate for a girl first time round. i couldnt believe my luck tbh, when dd1 was born.

with my second i think i fooled myself that i didnt mind, and was unexpectedly 'thrown' by having another girl. you cant tell anyone how you feel though, can you??

i guess i just want to have a different exp, the exp of being mum to a boy, and feel sad that i wont have this.

until recently, i still felt a bit of a pang, tbh, when people i knew gave birth and had 'one of each'. dd2 is just over 2.5 and i think i am now 'over it'. ...but i'm a bit slow