I know I should feel happy its healthy BUT

[Baysmum]

Feel like crap here and I DO know Im lucky to have a ds and another healthy baby on the way BUT just had 20 wk scan and its pretty obvious its another boy. Feel so upset - have surprised myself, I did have a preference for a girl but didnt realise Id feel this upset to be having another boy. DS1 fairly young and all I can think now is that I dont want a baby at all, cant cope and dont know how to get back on track. Have been suffering from depression (post natal I think) and this seems to have just finished me off. Any ideas PLEASE??

Tell us something about your ds. How old is he?

Oh darling - would it help to hear all the lovely things about having two boys? I can't help with the sorrow re not having a girl as I felt quite relieved when DS2 was born and I didn't have to learn to do plaits, but I do know what it's like to have PND.

Hes 18 mnths and quite hard work but I dont think thats the reason Im so against having another. I did have a difficult birth with him which I believe triggered PND (which went untreated due to a house move etc etc). I saw the doc this morning who advise ADs and who also offered me a C-section if I want it to take the pressure off the birth this time round - but I still feel so awful and against having this one.

Sorry HM xed post - would love to hear positive stuff about 2 boys. Am not usually such a crap girly girl.

Baysmum they wil be great, great friends growing up

I have a 21m age gap, so not that dissimilar from what you will have.

OK, good things about two boys - here goes:

A brother is an amazing thing for a boy to have - who else can they play engines with, who else will really understand the importance of the difference between the narrow gauge Skarloey and Duncan, ordinary steamies Thomas, James and Edward and the somewhat evil diesels Iron 'Arry and Iron Bert?

You can use all the same clothes again - and your second son will suit all the stuff you didn't quite like on your oldest (weird, but it's happened to me!).

They have a natural choice best man in the future and they won't upset any friends with their choice.

They can share toxic aftershave when they're teenagers.

You can say "the boys" without having to always say "the children" or calling them "the kids" if you don't like that shortening (which I don't, but I'm a ponce).

Oh, and loads more. I don't feel I've missed anything by not having a DD - I think I'd have been more anxious about projecting my "I'm an insecure woman with self-loathing tendencies" onto her.

mums of boys always seem quite glam

Actually its quite a consolation that boys are less likely to be as mentally unstable as a girl could be - (likely with me as mother)! Just feel like I'll be sidelined in family - moved to coast so there was more space and general outdoorsy activities for DH and DS - but I miss my London life - flat, jobs, frineds, shops etc etc. Have just realised how shallow Im sounding here...!

I have two boys. I knew I was expecting a second boy when I had a CVS. I really honestly was happy with that and most importantly that the baby was healthy. Now he is here I love the fact that I have 2 boys. Boys are so straightforward. And I couldn't put what hunkermunker has said any better. You will love it.

B you are not sounding shallow

OK then, maybe jealous is a better way of putting it. DH has all this boy stuff to look forward to, taking DS surfing etc etc which Im just not into. Maybe a girl would have more in common with me? That said, I know I could have a little tomby AND ds did just leave the house sporting fetching shade of juicy tube lipgloss!

I'm sorry you feel crap, Baysmum
I have always wanted a girl, for reasons I can't even properly voice, it's just irrational. I didn't mind having a boy first, but this time I knew it might be our last baby (haven't decided on 2 or 3 yet) and I knew it might be my last chance.
To make things worse, we were told at 20w scan it was a girl, I was so pleased. Luckily dh and I kept it to ourselves (never even let it slip to MN, until this moment!) because at a scan at 39w the consultant showed us the most enormous pair of bollocks (the baby's, not his, ha ha!). To say I was shocked is an understatement. I felt a failure as a mother, I couldn't make a girl (yes, I know it's the sperm that decides sex, but I did say it was irrational!), and I really felt I couldn't copr with two boys (and mine have an age gap of 20m).
It sounds a cliche, but Baysmum I promise my feelings changed entirely within a very short time of ds2's birth. It's as irrational as the way I felt before the birth, but all of a sudden it felt so lovely to know that I would have 2 big strong boys to look after their old mum, to worship the ground she walks on (I hope!).
Whether or not we have another baby, I'm sure it's be another ds if we did, and I will always have a little sadness at never having had a girl, but for me the wanting of a girl has become a separate issue that doesn't men I love my dses any differently or any less IYKWIM.
Plus, with boys, yes they get smelly when they're teenagers, but my goodness they're not so moody

oh i have great fun with my DS, as much as my DH does - I really really truly don't think sex of a child makes much of a difference, it depends on what you as a family do in your spare time.

eg i have a DD age 7 and a DS aged 3 (just) and we go walking in the woods, running about on teh beach with a kite and the dog, baking, sticking etc etc and both dcs enjoy it as much as each other! You won't miss out

Thats it exactly, I feel like a failure or 'less of a woman'and that my friends with girls will all feel sorry for me. It must have been a huge shock for you to find out at such a late stage it was a boy - Im still wondering if we should have tried to not find out (bit obvious actually - little willy waving around) rather than face the next 20 weeks in a state. At least things improved for you after the birth.

I think that what you have at the moment is one three-letter word to focus on - b...o...y.

What you don't have is the cuddly bundle of newborn in your arms - with his own way of looking up at you like you're his world (you will be), his own snuffly sounds as he feeds, his own giggle, his own little habits and foibles that you will adore as he gets older.

But for now, you have BOY to focus on, and that's all. And although you will adore him when he's born, it's a bit of a grieving process to go through if you really wanted a girl, because you're letting go of the idea of having a daughter.

Start to think of a name for him - make him more real like that. Get out baby photos of your DS1, maybe? Some of the little newborn outfits that you will be able to reuse?

As for friends with girls feeling sorry for you - that's up to them, but it's a bit silly. There's nothing to feel sorry for!

Boys give the best cuddles, everyone knows that

It was quite a shock, the consultnt looked totally bemused that I should be upset (I think he's a man's man and thought I should be happy at the news ), but I would rather have found out then than when the baby was born. But I must admit, when the birth went wrong (he turned the wrong way and got stuck) and I was in theatre being prepped for forceps (failed) and cs, I must admit I had some resentful thoughts towards this bloody boy who was making me have this rpocedure I didn't want, when I didn't want a boy. (Not helped by the fact I naively expected my second delivery to be straightforward, so for things to go wrong again I was pretty upset anyway.) When he was born, I was so knackered after a long and horrible labour, and all the morphine they'd given me, that all I wanted to do was sleep. dh sat beside me holding him, and I just turned my head away and closed my eyes. (God I'm sorry, I don;t know why I'm off loading all this, I haven't told anyone about this.) But when I did get to hold him and look at him, and he was so beautiful and looked so like his brother, who of course I adore, I couldn't not love him.
I will probably always feel inferior that I "couldn't" make a girl, and always feel jealous of people that have dd's (including, unfortunately, both my dsis's), but I will also always feel an overwhelming love for my boys.
Also, I remember a thread a bit ago from someone deeply disappointed to find they were carrying a dd - it works both ways, and some people will be insanely jealous of your ability to "make boys".
I think it probably is better to find out in advance, you don't want your first emotion when you meet your ds to be disappointment, but that's just the way I think, no right or wrong answer!

Thanks HM (and all other posters), I know you're right. I will focus on the name - it took me a week to come up with DS1s name - and its ridiculous! Had a lovely girls name (sob) but better get thinking. Why is it that I like such daft names?

Aw, 2Happy

The gender of your baby isn't down to you though - it's the sperm that carries that info.

LOL! I find boys names really, really hard! Hardest bit of having a boy, in fact!

(I love boys toys as well - they are better - all the construction-type stuff - bit scared of Bratz et al).

I know, HM, and I am mortifed to admit tht in my distress after the scan I told dh it was his defective sperm's fault - like he has any control over the matter, what a hurtful thing for me to do . Now, of course, I just think it's hilarious of me to have called him "defective sperm" ha ha! (serves him right for calling himself "supersperm" after me getting pg when ds1 was only 11m old and while I was still bfing!)

Baysmum it is irrational, but then isn't everything connected with pregnancy?! I only wanted girls and the first one was a girl- hurrah for me. She was followed by 3 boys. Each time I was desperate for another girl (we even had DS3 just to have another girl) and each time I was upset to have another boy.

Roll on 20 years and I'm just about to have our second girl. Do you know what? I'm scared stiff. Boys are a known quantity. Our DD is 21, left home at 17 and would far rather be elsewhere. My middle son (17) has been so supportive during this pregnancy I don't know what I would have done without him. He's the first one to offer to stay in with me, to notice if I'm upset/ cold/ hungry etc. Our DD was far more work than the 3 boys put together.

You've got 20 weeks to get used to having another boy. Put them to good use. Have counselling if you need it- it does help. Think about the fun your boys will have together. It does get better, honestly.

Sorry 2Happy missed your last post there. That sort of scenario is exactly what Im talking about trying to avoid as I had a similar experience with DS1 and to this day feel sooo guilty about my initial reaction to him. I already feel guilty that I'm feeling negative and this one hasnt even been born yet - poor little bugger. I feel like if someone said I had to push him out I just couldnt do it - hence the consideration of the C section.

LOL 2Happy - DH did similar - DS1 was 12mo when DS2 conceived.

Thanks evenhope, that was another of my 'boy concerns', they (eventually) leave you for another woman whereas girls often tend to be closed to their mothers - obviously thats a bitof a cliche. I dread being old and going out looking like mutton without a daughter to tell me I look crap!