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Original poster

I need to swear. Lots.

59 replies

zephyrcat · 03/03/2007 18:38

FUUUUUUCKINNNNNNGGGGGGGGGG HHHEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OP posts:
alittlebitshy · 03/03/2007 18:40

oh dear. what's up??

Aloveheart · 03/03/2007 18:41

what's up

NappiesGalore · 03/03/2007 18:43

?

whassup zeph?

Original poster
zephyrcat · 03/03/2007 18:47

I've just typed an essay and dropped the mouse and lost it......... arrggghhhhh!

OP posts:
Aloveheart · 03/03/2007 18:48

oh crap

fairyfly · 03/03/2007 18:49

Oh bugger. Any notes?

alittlebitshy · 03/03/2007 18:50

oh god

Katy44 · 03/03/2007 18:50

Sorry if this is patronising
When did you last save? Do you have autosave?
(or do you mean you lost the mouse??)

Katy44 · 03/03/2007 18:50

Tell me to p*ss off if you know all this - especially if it will make you feel better

danceswithnewboots · 03/03/2007 18:51

Zephyr I've fixed my msn problem! Lovely tech person told me what to do

So sorry about your essay, what a p*sser.

Original poster
zephyrcat · 03/03/2007 18:55

ok some of you may know, I got pregnant. Stupidly. I went for a termination. Didn't take it ightly but had to do it. At the scan they told me it was twins...well two sacs one yolk, so maybe? I don't know. Anyway. Walked out, mind changed. Big discussion with dp, he wants them.

I DON'T WANT ANYMORE CHILDREN. I have 3. Eldest 5, youngest 10 months. I could not cope with 5 children under 6.

I would be stuck. I do not drive. DD2 would still need a pram. I asked DP to take a year out to help me. He laughed at me.

No-one will tak to me about help or options or anything. The midwife will not ring me until 12 weeks which is too bloody late. I need to make a decision. I do not want another caesarean. I do not want to be in the maternity system in this city - it is beyond shit.

What the hell am I supposed to do?? Why do I feel like I have to have them? I don't want to be pregnant. It's my own stupid fault and there are so many people on here desperately ttc and losing their pregnancies. How can I choose to 'get rid' of a special thing.

But I want my life back. I'm 30 this year and this was supposed to be my year. I have my family. I want to start training for a career. I want to get married this year. I want to go out and celebrate my birthday and eat and drink what I want.

I'm already moody and miserable as Hell and shouting at the kids every two minutes. It's not fair on them.

I don't know what to do!!

OP posts:
Dior · 03/03/2007 18:58

Message withdrawn

danceswithnewboots · 03/03/2007 18:58

Oh Zephyr I can't tell you what to do but I do sympathise, I know I would be feeling exactly the same if it was me. What a freakin dilema. Why couldn't DP take time off? Is it totally unfeasible? When I had a pg scare recently I said to dh that that is what I would have to get him to do, he didn't say much either.

fairyfly · 03/03/2007 18:58

Have you not made the decision to keep them if you walked out of the termination?

I hate to be so black and white as i know it's not as simple as that but it seems like you have made a decision. If so...... is it time to see the positives of having more kids?

Katy44 · 03/03/2007 18:59

So sorry to hear all this - it sounds as though the essay was the tip of the iceberg.
It sounds as though you need to talk to someone, soon - can you call the MW and say it's urgent - 12 weeks is ridiculous

danceswithnewboots · 03/03/2007 18:59

Why did the fact that it was twins change your mind about terminating? Or would you have changed your mind anyway?

Original poster
zephyrcat · 03/03/2007 19:02

Hiya dances - well done on the msn front!

My head is such a mess. I had made a decision. I walked out of the clinic and was keeping them. But the more I think and think the more unfeasible it feels. DP couldn't afford to take a year off but to my mind there wouldn't be an option - I couldn't physically do it on my own.

I started a thread about Ante-natal depression the other day. I think I had it with DD2. I am notoriously moody when pg and I can't help wondering if it's that kicking in which is making me feel like this and once that's gone, will I regret it??

OP posts:
Original poster
zephyrcat · 03/03/2007 19:04

FF I'm finding it hard to find a positive.

When I found out I was pregnant, I made no connection to the pregnancy. I didn't want any more and that was that. If they hadn't told me anything at the scan I probably would hae gone ahead because I had mentally prepared myself to go ahead. As soon as they made it 'real' by telling me, I was attatched if that makes sense?? I felt really happy, but scared. Now I'm thinking with my head and not my heart.

OP posts:
fairyfly · 03/03/2007 19:10

Zc, do you want me to think of any or will that just piss you off?

I was supposed to go for an abortion over Christmas, had a miscarriage, i was pleased it took the decision out of my hands. Now though ( as the grass is always greener isn't it! ) i can't help thinking how life would have been with a baby and wonder if it could have been a great thing. Probably not. I suppose what i am trying to say is that whatever happens you will work it out.

Original poster
zephyrcat · 03/03/2007 19:15

No go for it ff!! In an ideal world I wouldn't mind but I'm going to be stuck. With 5 children under 6. In the house. Day in, day out. That's all I keep thinking.

3 is manageable.

I don't want the ones I have now to suffer because I can't get anywhere or afford to do anything.

OP posts:
fairyfly · 03/03/2007 19:19

Well.......

Just think of two more little people in your life and how much you just can't help falling in love once they are born.

Once you have got over the initial shock and absolute exhasution you will have a huge family to nurture and be proud of.

It may set you back a while but you have the rest of your life to fulfill your ambitions, and ambitions never ever replace love and a family.

How am i doing, do i sound like an arse?

fairyfly · 03/03/2007 19:20

Oh and my kids don't suffer at all because i have no money and can't do anything. They suffer when i am a miserable negative boot. never any other reason.

Original poster
zephyrcat · 03/03/2007 19:26

No you don't sound like an arse, you're absolutely right. But logistically (sp?) and in the harsh daylight of reality how could I do it? DD1 would be 5.10 - she is fab and is not a problem. DS would be 3.4 - at the moment he is very hard work. Could I trust that he'd be grown out of his nightmare phase by then? DD2 would only be 18 months old and would still need a pram. Plus two newborns, in a pram.

We are currently in a 4 bed temp accom council place and we have to move before May, into a maisonette - likely to be on a 2nd/3rd floor. Going to be Hell.

I've rung and left messages for the midwife but no-one will ring me. I don't know what I can do to get help

OP posts:
Original poster
zephyrcat · 03/03/2007 19:28

And you're right again. Our three now don't suffer from lack of money, they have everything they could possibly want and more, but they are suffereing because I'm unbearable to live with right now!

OP posts:
danceswithnewboots · 03/03/2007 19:30

Zephyr - to be firefly's devil's advocate. Should you not put the welfare of your current children first and foremost in any decision you make? A depressed, stressed mum who can't cope (not saying you wouldn't but from what you say it sounds like you would find it very hard)may be alot for them to handle...