Hi guys, hows everyone?
Had my first visit with the weekday CHMT team. Got very upset in today's session, I am SURE she said she thought I didn't need the CHMT stepped up care and wanted to refer me back to the GP and to talking therapies like CBT through IAPT (I don't think CBT IS for me - have tried it through charities before, and have been turned away for being too complex)
I got really upset about this as it seemed to be the route of my problem-- that my masks are so good no one ever thinks I need help, no one can see me screaming. That I was being abandoned and left to cope on my own with no help. I said she should come back at night and see me then. I told her about the urge to self harm, after the last session. I said I felt a bit abandoned by the service.
The thing that confuses me, is that she then seemed to massively backtrack, and said she only said about GP to avoid waiting times for the psychiatrist/psychologist... she kept talking about how long the waiting lists are for all the services, kept talking about all the far off clinics are I'd have to go to... she was trying to put me off the plan that had been made on Friday, saying it was only a referral - it wasn't a plan. It just seemed so negative, so confusing. There doesn't seem to be any hope then? I thought i'd get to see a psychiatrist about possible medication/diagnosis? A psychologist to help me learn new behaviours? Visits daily to help me keep myself safe, and to guide my recovery?
She thinks I should go to the GP and ask for Sertraline - The nurse who assessed me does not think I have depression, I agree. I do get anxiety.I said i'm very nervous about asking for medication without a diagnosis, because anxiety is not my biggest/only issue. I'm worried about taking something which takes a long time to start working, has side effects and then getting diagnosed with something at a later date, and realising i'm on the wrong medicine? It just seems really illogical. My GP doesn't have a free appointment till end of April anyway.
I got upset because she kept mentioning psychiatrists, psychologists, psychotherapists and various therapy styles and clinics without explaining what each of them does. - i don't know what they do, i've never been here before! I don't know what I need - other than fridays referral plan. I just don't trust myself to do this on my own.
She's going to come back on Wednesday, because I asked/cried that I didn't trust myself and felt hopeless. but she doesn't want to do more regular visits (or at all). She said these visits are mostly for people with psychosis. I just feel so alone and lost again. I don't know what the plan is, I don't know how to stay safe, I don't know how to get better and I don't feel like CMHT want to help me, and i'm not sure I have the energy to fight.
I cried for about an hour in that appointment. She said she could see her mentioning the IAPT service changed my mood. I really wanted someone there to help me communicate, I just don't think she understood how i'm feeling, or why I was scared/upset by her suggestions.
Positives are... everyone i've spoken to so far has mentioned UEPD/BPD, which I would agree with. So have some reading to do, and I now have two pet bunny rabbits hopping around my house :) In fact one was hopping in and out of the visit this afternoon...