Dh going on a two week business trip - how the hell am I going to cope?

[DumbledoresGirl]

Can I just say first off, I do not want lone parents on here telling me to pull myself together (it happened once before )

Dh informed me last night that he is off on a 2 weeks business trip next week. As the mother of four children with no support anywhere nearby, this would be bad enough (usually by the time dh comes home in the evening, I am more than grateful for the opportunitly to share the parenting load, and at the weekends, dh does his fair share of childcare) but my situation is made 10 time worse by the fact that I live daily with the fear of emetophobia. I cannot give you a strong enough impression of how this phobia affects me. As dh is often away for anight or two, I am beginning to get things under control for those short trips, but for 2 weeks? I have been panicking all night just thinking about it.

I just can't function at all when this phobia kicks in. It doesn't take a vomiting episode for that to happen. Already this morning I have roared at the children as I am so tense.

What on earth am I going to do? I know there is no practical help out there, but I cannot function on Mumsnet without telling you this is what I am going through.

Thank you for your support. I am in floods of tears here. I know this is ridiculous, but I feel I can be a bit more honest here than I can in RL, hence the fact that I am telling you this. I have just come back from taking ds3 to playgroup (he coughed all the way there saying he had a funny taste in his mouth - I could hardly hold him I was so scared) and it did cross my mind to go to the doctors and ask for an appointment. But I have done all that before and got nowhere. Sometimes I feel all I want is a sympathetic ear, someone to unburden this terrible load onto, but in my experience of RL, that ear just isn't there.

In answer to some of your points:

I dond't think anti-emetics would be the answer. If we get a bug, surely you need to get the bug out to get better? But I appreciate your offer Sauerkraut.

Yes, the nights are the worst time. I am not sure I can explain why. When dh is at work, I would still go to pieces if the children were ill, but at least I would know that dh was home in the evening.

My children are aged 10, 9, nearly 7 and 4. They are not often ill but you never know with young children when the next time will be, do you?

My phobia is such that when dh is away, I find it very hard to go out of the house with the children at all, even to do regular activities let alone extra things to pass the time, as I am acutely aware that bugs get passed through contact with others. So planning things like trips out is not really an option.

I don't really make friends these days, this is especially not helped by moving around the country as often as we have in the past. We have lived here 2 years and I only know a handful of people to pass the time of day with in the playground, nothing more. The one parent I did open up to who lives quite nearby, turns out to have the same phobia as me so she would not be any use to me in a crisis! Ironic eh?

Oops missed Xenia's post. Believe me, dh knows how much I fear his trips. There is no way this trip is avoidable (although I think he should have been allowed to come home for the middle weekend). The other week, to avoid spending Sunday night away from me, dh got up at 3 am, went to Sweden for the day and was back at 11pm - and still went and did a full day's work the next day.

There is no room in our finances for any sort of help. Sometimes when his mother is in the country (she lives in Australia but comes over every spring/summer) she will come and stay with me "to keep me company" (I don't dare mention my emetophobia to her) but she is not here yet.

I know therapy is the only real longterm answer but I tried that and got nowhere.

Can someone else come stay with you? A friend? A mumsnetter? Anyone? Where are you?

Why did you get nowhere? Perhaps you just need a better therapist. My sister is a clinical psychologist. She is referred people by their GPs and will help them with all kind of phobias, OCD, spiders, flying, etc. I am sure that many of them genuinely are helped. Perhaps you just need a change of therapist.

It sounds awful. There have been a few occasions when I have actually fainted when faced with someone being in pain, so I can imagine how overpowering a reaction can be possible.
As for sickness, I have no problem even though it's horrible and I bet there are people nearby who would be happy to be on call if you could pluck up the courage to confide.

DG, these irrational fears can be treated. Go back & see your GP again. If you explain how profound an effect it is having on your life, then they will have to refer you for treatment.
What did you think about the writing down idea? Do you think it would help to plan out the days that your DH is away.
Whereabouts in the UK are you? If you are anywhere near me (London) I would be more than happy to be "on call" for sickness, if that would give you some reassurance that you didn't have to deal with it on your own.

DG speaking as someone who can get claustraphobic and understands the fear that something may happen, I can recommend making a coping strategy and assemble some 'props' to help you deal with the situation if it should arise ( I always carry a bottle of water and sweets on the tube for example, which helps me cope - the water is to splash on my face if I feel faint and to drink if I get a dry mouth - see what I mean)

In your case I would first think - OK the 3 oldest children are probably able to either get to the toilet if necessary or use a bowl/bucket - so that reduces the odds of you having to clean up if something happens, by 75%. Hold that thought

Then, put a bucket or bowl in the bedrooms by the bed and tell the kids what it's for.

Put disposabler bed mats on the beds, under the sheet - makes any clean up that bit easier.

Get yourself some rubber gloves, bin bag, paper towels, carpet cleaner, vicks (to put under your nose to disguise the smell), nose clip ( swimming)? and or face mask? to wear if you do have to clean up. Put it all somewhere accessible upstairs, so that you know that you are as ready as you can be if the worst happens.

Maybe you do stuff like this already? If not HTH - it certainly hepls me to deal with my fear

Have you tried Hypnotherapy, it can be very effective with phobias!

I know that therapy is the only answer. But please, can anyone help me to believe that it will do anything?

About 2 and a half yeasr ago I went to my then GP. It took me about 5 minutes to be able to tell her what I was ther for. I cried the whole time and physically could not speak. I know that sounds weird and it is so not like me but that is what happened. I strongly got the impression she thought I was mad. She did not understand the phobia I don't think. Anyway, she referred me to the CPN.

Meanwhile, we moved suddenly. At my new home I hard from the CPN in my old home and they transferred me to my new area. Here, I saw a CPN who quetioned me for about an hour about my phobia, concluded I was not depressed ( I could have told her that) and therefore she could do nothing for me. She gave me some contact numbers of local self help groups. I plucked up the courage to phone one and was very put off by their methods (basically desensitisation - yuck!) so took it no further.

My oriignal GP offered me ADs which I refused. I don't see that as the answer. Although the mental health unit in my old area referred me to the the CPN in my new, this was done with the knowledge of my new GP practice. I feel if they knew anything about my phobia, they would not have bothered sending me to the CPN who clearly could not help me.

So do I go back and ask for some other way forward? I don't know. The thought of having to go to the GP and explain it all again fills me with dread. I know I am quite eloquent here about my phobia, but that is here, not the same as in RL. It is so humiliating as I can't talk about it without crying (you can't see that here).

BTW I am north of Bristol, so regretably nowhere near you Bugsy though I appreciate your offer.

I know somebody who had Hypnotherapy to get over her fear of snakes & it worked!

Perhaps you could write it all down so you don't actually have to tell the GP everything verbally?

Oati, I also suffer from claustrophobia though it is nowhere near as acute as my emetophobia, thank goodness! A lot of what you suggest is just normal living for me, eg waterproof mattress covers, rubber gloves. TBH, although I fear the possiblity of my children being ill every second of the day, and I find it hard even to say this, the event is not as bad as the constant fear is.

I hate to admit I have this mental health problem, but the more I think about it, the more I realise what a terrible mess I am in.

Is hynotherapy available on the NHS though?

Oh and Bugsy, sorry I keep missing your point. I do sort of write things down each day anyway as I have a sort of rota that I go through weekly - you know just household jobs mainly. It does help to get things done, but I am not sure it would help specifically here.

It sounds like you didn't get the right help last time.
I would write down what your problem is/are and take the paper with you to the GP. Then if you get overwhelmed, you can give them the piece of paper to read.
When my ex-H left me, I used to cry every time I went to see the GP, so I really do sympathise.
However, I really do think you have to bite the bullet with this and get some help & the GP is your best route, unless you want to go down the private route with a counselling or a clinical hypnotist etc.

Sorry I have no idea what's available on the NHS, only your GP will be able to tell you that.

DG I agree with the others that you really do need to go back to the GP and get more help with this. Writing it down, like bugsy suggests sounds very good.

However, this is the NHS, so unfortunately it is not going to help in time for this trip. So you need to follow the other suggestions regarding coping with this trip.

Cognitive behaviour therapy is available free on teh NHS. Some of the people referred by their GP to my sister have to wait 6 months though so it's not quick to get someone. But many many people are completely cured. I would get the GP to refer you for that and in the meantime try to think of some way to deal with when your husband is away. Is there no relative who could come and stay for the 2 weeks?

OK, psyching myself up to call GP surgery. Might take a few weeks for me to do that though .

No, no relatives. My parents have always led busy lives themselves but a few months ago, my mother had a major stroke so on two coutns, they would not be able to come. MIL is not yet in England - she is my best hope normally, and even she would only come for a few days.

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I need to get a grip first cod. I am in a mess today.

Is it totally irrational to hate dh for doing this to me?

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I wouldn't ever have to get over it if dh did not keep going away and leaving me in the shit.

What is head tilting speak? Do you mean the softly softly approach? Don't worry, I am usually hard as nails too. That is what makes this situation so damn difficult.

I really must stop skiving and get back to work, but just quickly... you CA N get over a phobia, you can and will put it behind you with the right help. Just hold onto that fact and that will help it start to lose its power over you, even before you start treatment. You can do it.

As a teenager I had an absolutely terrible, debilitating phobia about falling off the planet, straight up into the sky! - a form of agoraphobia I suppose. I had to stay near structures at all times - walls, lampposts, etc. - when out so that I could grab onto them if I fell. (So you see there's no way I could consider anyone else's phobia silly!) What helped me was plain old talking therapy, on the NHS, with a clinical psychologist. I don't have time to go into all the details of how it worked, but it did. I'm still a very anxious person and I think that's part of who I am, but I now have more control over my tendency towards phobias and not let it get out of hand. It can be sorted and you have that to look forward to. Tell yourself that every day.

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DDG - I am not phobic about anything and have never experienced it. But listening to you, I compeletely accept the level to which you find it debilitating and upsetting, and I have nothing but sympathy and feel nothing but support.
You see - people will not judge you just because you suffere because of this.

Could you think about going back to your new GP - write it all down if it is hard to tell - cut and paste sections of this thread.

And if you are able to get a trainnee nursery nurseto help out, maybe that would help? they are used to being put on placement with people who need help fro all sorts of reasons, and it isn't thier business to have views about your phobia, either!

One more thing: There is someone with whom I have no more of a chatty / nodding aquaintence with in the playground, and when we heard that her DH is in intensive care in another city, all her nodding aquaintences were more than happy to help, and her In-Laws will be using our spare room for the w/e. Nodding aquaintences may well be more than happy to get closer and help if they can see someone who needs it.

I really hope that something comes up to release you from this misery.