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Original poster

Anyone around? Feel like I can't carry on, everything going wrong

94 replies

Lucysdiamonds · 28/01/2017 04:37

Feel like I can't take anymore. It's been a crap couple of years and today I finished with my boyfriend because we've just been rowing non stop and I'm so stressed, depressed and can't see it changing.

I know I did the wrong thing, I can't bear the thought of life without him and I just can't cope.

Im really scared .. I don't want to carry on. My life is useless, I'm useless.

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Original poster
Lucysdiamonds · 03/02/2017 21:03

Maybe for us both ... but mainly for dd who is 15.

CAMHS can't help apparently, we have to wait for school counselling.

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AnxiousMunchkin · 03/02/2017 21:22

Poor girl, being 15 is horrible at the best of times. It's pretty jaw dropping that CAMHS wont help if she very recently attempted suicide. Bloody austerity.

Would she talk to childline, perhaps? Despite the name they support young people up to the age of 18, they have counsellors on the phone or text chat online.

Original poster
Lucysdiamonds · 03/02/2017 23:05

I know Sad

Yes I've given her details for Childline but she says she can't explain to anyone how she feels.

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AnxiousMunchkin · 04/02/2017 05:12

Tell her that's ok. She can tell the counsellors that.

Original poster
Lucysdiamonds · 04/02/2017 11:29

Feeling really low again Sad I've no idea where I'm going with my life. Bf thinks everything's fine .. because I gave him that impression .. but it's not. I don't think I want to spend the rest of my life with him but whenever I try to finish with him I feel really sad and regret it. I don't want to do something I regret, I don't want to hurt him, I don't want to make him suicidal. And I know he's not really the problem. .. the problem is me .. I'm not happy with myself.

Just want to go to bed and sleep for days with no one to worry about ... but I can't sleep for longer than 4 hours or so. Last night I insisted my bf went home so I could sleep better although he wanted to stay .. then I couldnt get to sleep and in the end had about 4 hours sleep again. I'm so tired ... but I want to go into town when dds friends come round, as I don't have to leave her alone then. Also very aware I have very little time to myself before bf will be round here.

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Original poster
Lucysdiamonds · 05/02/2017 13:24

Sorry to keep posting. . It helps to write it down.

Anyway yesterday we argued again and eventually I said we need time apart. I miss him but I need time to think, to work out what I want.

I'm tired of trying to please everyone and not looking after myself. I'm tired of worrying about him, about whether I've said something that will upset him .

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AnxiousMunchkin · 05/02/2017 14:22

Hi Lucy don't worry about posting sorry that none of us saw the post the other day. But well done for taking the proactive step of asking for time for yourself.

His response to this is NOT your responsibility.

How are you doing today since the argument?

Original poster
Lucysdiamonds · 05/02/2017 14:37

Thanks Anxious.

I'm not sure how I feel .. partly I feel so sad .. but I'm trying to feel relieved. I was finding it so difficult to keep everyone happy. My dd has to be my priority at the moment. I was constantly worried whether he was upset when I was spending time with her. We arranged to see each other every other day instead of every day but then he'd want to come over when I was going to do something with dd "just to see me briefly ". That was nice but made me feel stressed. He wanted to sleep here. .. something I wanted him to do more last year but now I sleep better alone.

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Original poster
Lucysdiamonds · 05/02/2017 14:40

I don't want to live with someone again. . I like having my own place, doing what I want.

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Original poster
Lucysdiamonds · 05/02/2017 14:49

I have an appointment with the only gp I feel reasonably comfortable with in a week. I'll discuss ADs with her. I hate taking them. What if it's circumstantial depression and they won't help? Is it good to mess around with our brains like that all the time? I don't know. ..

Maybe it's my age. .. I'm peri menopausal and I understand that can cause depression and anxiety. ..

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AnxiousMunchkin · 05/02/2017 14:50

I recognise that feeling of not knowing how I feel, thinking that I should feel a certain way (and then judging and criticising myself for not definitely feeling that way). The thing is that you just feel how you feel. You can't exactly control that, although you can control what you do, and with help/therapy/training how you think.

It sounds like he wasn't respecting your boundaries. How is it nice for him to pressurise you into him coming over 'just to see you' when you've already told him you only wanted to see him every other day, because you were concentrating on your DD? That doesn't sound nice to me, it sounds a bit manipulative.

AnxiousMunchkin · 05/02/2017 14:52

I took ADs for circumstantial depression (after a relationship breakdown) because I knew that with my history I would find it really, really difficult to cope and they definitely helped me through the early months.

Back on them again (again again) years later but that's a different story!

Original poster
Lucysdiamonds · 05/02/2017 15:52

I think I have issues with men ... wanting them to like me .. probably based on a father who made me feel I was never good enough, who I always disappointed. So I feel flattered if one wants to spend time with me.

But yes, I feel like he wasn't respecting me or my wishes. I told him that yesterday and he said "but then you will think I don't love you ". We had problems last year when he was quite distant for a while ... it's been difficult so many times. .. we're both insecure. .. I just want it to be fine. .. I want to see him but without the problems Sad

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Original poster
Lucysdiamonds · 05/02/2017 15:57

I guess I don't understand how ADs work. . If they treat a chemical imbalance , how do you know if you have a chemical imbalance?

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Original poster
Lucysdiamonds · 05/02/2017 16:12

I used to dream of meeting an older man, stable, caring, who would look after me, love me and make me feel safe. Instead my last two relationships were with younger men.

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Original poster
Lucysdiamonds · 05/02/2017 16:13

Which ADs did you take?

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Original poster
Lucysdiamonds · 05/02/2017 16:49

It was like having another child ... Sad but maybe it's me .. Maybe I need that? I don't know. Now I just want to be looked after ..

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AnxiousMunchkin · 05/02/2017 17:34

"Then you'll think he doesn't love you"...... again, he's telling you what you think there, not listening to what you're actually saying to him.

I've been on so many different ADs at different times in my life. Everyone reacts differently to different ones.

Original poster
Lucysdiamonds · 05/02/2017 17:41

I know Sad He doesn't listen .. hears what he wants to. I've told him things have changed since then but he doesn't seem to hear ... he's insecure too .. he says he's scared to do things wrong and lose me.

I'm on sertraline, I think originally they helped, not sure now. Others cause me to put on lots of weight. Maybe if I sort things out I won't need ADs? ?

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