Anyone around? Feel like I can't carry on, everything going wrong

[Lucysdiamonds]

Feel like I can't take anymore. It's been a crap couple of years and today I finished with my boyfriend because we've just been rowing non stop and I'm so stressed, depressed and can't see it changing.

I know I did the wrong thing, I can't bear the thought of life without him and I just can't cope.

Im really scared .. I don't want to carry on. My life is useless, I'm useless.

I understand the mind racing thing with yoga and meditation. They're life savers for me but I couldn't do it when I was at my most unwell.

I tried attending a yoga class late last year ... just couldn't concentrate at all and felt under more pressure!

I do understand wanting someone to look after you, especially when you've lost your Dad and your Mum & DD need looking after. It would be nice to have someone looking after you,, but sadly when we are vulnerable, we tend to attract either abusive or unwell people and it's not good. Life is bloody unfair at times 💐

I should be low carbing (I'm diabetic) but I'm not - so kudos to you!

This is the ongoing thread for Candy's Hugs -

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/2828493-Zombie-and-Woolly-Hugs-Our-second-thread-Come-and-find-out-about-Candys-Hugs-all-very-welcome?watched=1&msgid=66564298#66564298

Candy is Zombie's real name. She's now in a hospice & sadly we will probably lose her tonight. The project Candy's Hugs is for people who have cancer, if that's too close to home, there are other projects, it's just this is the most chatty right now. K&P will post you some wool, no problem at all, we have people donating funds because theshe can't knit/crochet. Someone probably has a spare set if needles too and every charity shop I have ever known has them - but sometimes behind the counter!

No pressure though, only if you want to. You can come & chat too, knitting not compulsory 😊 💐

I can't settle to meditation or yoga either, my mind just goes places I don't want it to. I should probably try to conquer that, but I just chat online instead 😬 Oops. I really do think they're both good for us (yoga & medtation).

That's fair enough Lucy!

If it does interest you, there are shorter videos on YouTube you could follow (like 20-30mins - Yoga with Adrienne is popular) but just like anything else it might not suit everyone! And a whole hours class is quite a lot of pressure, if you're a beginnner, and you're anxious being out and about anyway, and you're dealing with everything else as well. Anyway, I think the main thing is finding what works for you, which might be different from other people.

Thanks. I'll check out the thread.

I have plenty of needles, including lovely wooden ones, but they're packed away ... need to find them. I hate asking for things, so will maybe look on ebay for wool ... not sure how expensive it is.

Thanks AnxiousM I'll have a look. I do have a DVD but not the concentration to start at the moment. I also have the Headspace app but again not the motivation or concentration to get on with it. I'm trying to read but struggling to concentrate. I think I need something really easy and maybe funny to get me going .. any recommendations?

DD is away with her dad for a week at half term and I was thinking of doing something nice then, to destress, just not sure what. Thinking I might look on Groupon or similar for a spa session somewhere in Cardiff, as I struggle with the dirtiness of normal leisure centre pools (I'm a little OCD and phobic ).

Sorry forgot to say ... not sure about contacting the GP. I've been so many times in the past ... they just don't know what to do, just say, let's increase your meds or try a different one ... different ADs seem to always set off weight gain and I'm struggling with that already, contributing towards my depression and low self esteem, it seems counter productive to contribute towards it.

Being referred back to the primary care MH team seems useless as she admitted there was nothing she could do and she didn't feel she needed to refer me to the secondary care team.

The counselling is ok ... but seems to be geared towards "normal" people without depression, sorting out little issues. I don't think she's taking into account how down I feel and maybe I haven't made it clear to her, but now seems too late. However, 12 sessions is the lot unfortunately.

I'd look for more elsewhere, but it's so expensive. I have self help books coming out of my ears but can't concentrate on them. I need something to help me build my self esteem and I need to learn to say no to people, but that's linked to low self esteem too. I'm trying, really trying ....

I've found my knitting needles

How old is your DD?

A spa or something sounds great! I hope you can find something, it'll do you the world of good!

GP/MHS - I understand what you're saying, but (isn't there always a 'but'), some of them are proper twats, you just need to find one that's got some understanding of your needs & worries. See a different GP, persist trying to get the right AD's for you. Yes, it's trial & error, but think about how much better life would be if some meds fixed the imbalance, then you could focus on everything else?! No need to answer me - just think about it 😊

Great news that you found your needles. The way Woolly Hugs works is that some of us buy wool & knit it, some hand over cash because they can't knit & others knit the wool the non knitters supply. There's no problem at all getting wool sent you! Just PM K&P. It's what the wool is there for. Without people like you, the non knitters wouldn't be able to be a part of it!

Yesterday bf and I talked and last night he stayed over .. I feel so sad ... he was quiet, eventually told me he didn't feel well, but only after I asked .. We've spoken about that a few times, I've told him I can't read his mind and when he's quiet and withdrawn I presume he doesn't want to be with me . Today has been equally sad ... we were late up because late to bed ... we thought his parents might cook Sunday dinner but they didn't get in touch. Later found out all the family were there but no one told us. This happens a lot .. they seem to expect him to know there's dinner ... although they dont always cook dinner so heaven knows how ... he never asks them if there'll be dinner ... I find it all frustrating . I can't cope .. I don't feel like we're close .. we're barely talking ... he's gone home ... then dd asked if I'll watch a film with her because she's feeling nervous about going back to school tomorrow. I'd planned to spend the rest of the day with bf but dd comes first. I feel so down

Oh.

I don't know what to say really, other than what I said earlier, I don't think having him in your life is good for you, but it's your decision.

What film are you going to watch? My 'feel good' film is Mama Mia. I'm swearing you to secrecy!

I can't live with him and can't live without him. I felt so sad after finishing with him. I can't face that again.

We're watching Notting Hill, dd hasn't seen it before. I love Mamma Mia too though.

Pm'ed you xx

How old is DD?

You have to walk your own path.

However, I have to say, you can live without him. It's not without pain in the beginning, but you'd get through that. We do, because we have to.

Oh & Notting Hill is good too!

Dd is 15. She loved Notting Hill. She loves Julia Roberts

I know .. I would be able to live without him. But it's a big move and I'm not sure I want to make it. I want to be sure before I do that. Thered be no going back.

As Munchkin says...
You can't see things clearly when you are verey depressed. That is because you are ill. It doesn't make you a bad person. You are an ill person who needs medical treatment.

As to what you said about cheating on your BF... It seems you made a bad call. We all do it when depressed or stressed. Gawd knows, I made a huge cock-up this summer whilst I was wound up over something and also not taking my meds. With the benefit of hindsight I can see it was not wise but at the time I did what felt right.. It doesn't make me a bad person because I made a mistake..

Keep posting.

Thanks Itisnoteasybeingdifferent. I feel like such a bad person. I know I was confused and unhappy, but I hurt him ... hurt him really badly. And reading through messages on the relationship board here on MN, everyone says doing something like that is the end of the relationship ...

Haven't slept at all .. I went to bed at about 4.30 am but then the cat threw up all over the bedroom floor so I had to get up and clean it up. After that I was wide awake again.

Dd has gone back to school this morning for the first time since overdosing so I'm on call to collect her if she panics at any point during the day. I'm going to try and get a couple of hours sleep though.

I've another worry to add to the rest now .. after I finished with bf he got out his stockpiled drugs. He didn't take them but the thought was clearly there Now I'll always worry about that if I finish with him.

And getting ready to take dd to school I tripped over the dog bed , fell on both knees, jolted my back .. feeling very sorry for myself and in pain

Lucy,

If I have noticed one thing about MN it is that apart from this forum there seem to be quite a lot of nasty people about. Most of the relationship threads border on LTB or why haven't you LTB (not the B can be bastard or bitch). No one posts to say they woke up this morning snug in bed with the one they love. No one writes they are happy in love after 30 years of marriage.. People post because they have problems. So of course you only see the train wrecks of relationships.

In short don't bother going in there.. Stay here where people are much more kind and loving towards each other...

True I guess. It just seemed a given that an affair (if tou could even call it that .. I wouldn't) is never acceptable.

My dd only managed 2 hours at school before panicking and asking me to collect her Hopefully she'll try again tomorrow ...

Tricky with children at school bit...I am of couse an expert as I don't have any..

It is a balance between support and over induglence.

No improvement with dd ... she's been to school twice, but still can't face it and yesterday and today I couldn't persuade her to go, there's just been constant tears. Today I'm awaiting a follow up call from CAMHS, they were supposed to call at 9.30 and I still haven't heard anything! Very disappointing ... I desperately need some professional help here, I'm completely out of my depth.

Do you mean professional help for you or your DD (or both?) - how old is your dd?

I hope that CAMHS are making themselves useful