I've fucked my life up. Can't bring myself to start dealing with it.

[Flowersandcats]

Sorry if this OP is a bit all over the place. My biggest issue is that I am not acknowledging what is happening so it is difficult to put it into words.

I am an alcoholic and I have MH issues. Over the last few years my life has been falling apart. I haven't worked in months. I am thousands of pounds in debt. Massively behind with my mortgage. I owe money to everyone. I have borrowed money from my parents. I lie. I lie about everything. To the point that I feel like I'm not sure what's true any more.

I haven't opened any post in weeks. It's an external mail box, I haven't even looked in there since the new year. There are probably court summons in there.

I can't face dealing with it. Like if I don't acknowledge it then none of this is happening.

I bought a whole bunch of painkillers recently. Bought from five different shops so that I could get round the "one box only" thing. I don't plan to take them right now but they're here in the house.

I'm not doing anything to address anything. I had a counsellor but I haven't been for the last 2 weeks. Couldn't face leaving the house. Although she did suggest that I may have Dissociative Identity Disorder.

I fantasise about being imprisoned or hospitalised so that all power and control will be removed from me and I won't have to have to make any decisions any more. (I appreciate that this isn't how it works.)

Most people don't know. I was out with friends on Saturday (not drinking). I am sure that they would have thought everything is fine.

I don't know what I want from this post. I posted a few months ago under a different username and I haven't done anything to deal with it since. Things are worse.

[dowhatnow]

Hear Hear Hiding

That's really positive. When it all starts getting too much for you again - and you will have bad days - reread this thread and see how brave and strong you have been.

[StartledByHisFurryShorts]

Thanks so much Hiding and dowhat. It's all very much 'one step at a time'.

[dowhatnow]

and probably 2 steps forward and 1 step back, but keep plodding on. Eventually the journey will be worthwhile.

[Bluefrog26]

Sounds like you're doing really well and are an inspiration to us all. I suspect everyone has buried their head at some point, I know I certainly have. I'm going to try to be more like you and deal with things head on. I've done it in the past but it's exhausting and makes me want to curl up in a ball and sleep! Well done and keep us posted

[WhoWants2Know]

Op, your thread had been encouraging for me. I've been melting down all week in a similar way to your original post, chest pains and all. Because I lost the plot over the past year, lost one of my biggest clients and struggled to carry on working with depression and fatigue. And in the process, I totally fucked up and forgot to tell the Tax credits people. So I used way less childcare than they paid me for because I was home sick and not earning so often.

And now I have a letter asking for childcare receipts and bank statements and contracts. I've never even thought to ask for a receipt! I'm meeting with the childminder to find out how much I actually paid and she's been amazing- but I am scared shitless about how much the overpayments are and how I'll survive financially.